REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 10/3/11

The pop-up barbecue has begun! It’s like a flash mob of housewives and children, time and place communicated via Twit at the moment of inception. Unlike your and my barbecues, there’s no kettle grill, no keg, no still-in-bags of chips and Tostitos salsa. No slip & slide (we call it a sip & slip where I live), no smelly mandals, no twelve-year-olds trying to get the dog drunk. No naked fools on the roof trying to get people to pay them money to jump in the pool, no greased watermelon, no soggy swim diaper in the drinks cooler. But we do have Dr. Paul Nassif’s hairy manpooch. I love those touches of reality.

Brandi Glands crutches in in a maxi-dress, long scarf, and no doubt more poorly-chosen footwear. Have you ever been stuck on crutches? Because I have, and a person can get tangled up when inappropriately attired. I’m waiting for the splash. Adrienne is wearing a chain-link print maxi-dress, and it’s the best she’s ever looked until I realize it’s actually a jumpsuit. Good goddamn, it’s like a belted version of that bag with arms and legs I bought at The Limited in the mid-90’s and wore until the ass fell out. Kyle’s in a shirt with ladders up the arms, shorts, wedges (my mother frowns on heels with shorts, I remain undecided but stay flat to be on the safe side), and a very expensive looking belt with an “H” buckle that must be for “HILTON”. Baby Portia looks perfectly darling in a yellow tutu suit exactly as little baby girls should be. Love.

Fiery Twitter Explosion not to belie her true feelings, Brandi casually mentions that her ex became Mr. LeAnn Rimes over the weekend and that she had no advance warning because she does not have Xfinity. She knows Camille can understand, because she’s had an A-list divorce while Brandi’s was admittedly D-list. At least the girl knows her place (although I wouldn’t call Frasier A-list, but Camille’s flattered and that’s nice). Brandi thinks Camille needs to start dating because they both have a “short window of hotness left”. Camille doesn’t like Brandi so much anymore.

Finally, the moment we’ve all been previewed for: Dana rolls in with her $25,000 sunglasses and tells everyone exactly how much they cost and why. Kyle thinks buying $25,000 sunglasses is “asinine”, and I agree which is why we are friends. Camille says people with real money are discreet, and I agree which is why we are friends, too. Personally, when people compliment me on something I have a compulsion to tell them exactly what I paid for it when – and only when – I bought it at Target or Costco and the price ended in .99 versus the 8.00 it ends in at a higher-end merchandiser, which is why everyone thinks those are the only places I shop and secretly pities me. And that’s what makes me a Real Housewife.

While all this idiocy is transpiring, Lisa is trying to teach her giant oaf of a son, Max, how to put in her hair extensions. That’s a fruitless enterprise if I ever saw one, which is no doubt why Lisa arrives at the studio for her big Royal Wedding reporterage just 15-minutes before showtime. It seems Lisa’s going to be on Headline News, which is CNN for airports, so I think all the other housewives’ snarky comments were really unnecessary given the circumstances. After pounding on Dr. Drew’s door and demanding he impound Kim in the Pasadena Recovery Center, er, tell all his Twitter followers to follow her (and Gigolo), because he has a giant Twitter, you know, Lisa does her thing and we’re over it. That was a whole something about nothing, apparently just like Frasier’s Sherman.

Back to the bbq where Tay is threatening to splinter what’s left of her into a million little pieces doing handsprings on the trampoline. She survives, and Camille declines to perform her own high school pom routine which is disappointing as I was curious about the strength of the suspender straps holding up her giant phony bazooms. Watch What Happens indeed. Dana’s baby is dumping water all over the lush Oof-If lawn, and he may speak Thai but he’s still on the bottle which is a pediatric no-no. That kid seems naturally inclined toward average and thus faces a rough ride, mark my words. Elsewhere, Brandi Glands’ Jakey, age 4, strips down off camera and pees on the fairway. And we thought overwatering was harmful to the greens! Brandi does nothing because it’s better than peeing in the pool. Kyle’s pretty sure he’s already done that, and I agree.

Our New Friend Dana now shares with us a few more details: she’s getting married next June at a castle in France, and her John travels a lot. “Or has girls all over the country,” says Brandi. SILENCE DESCENDS. That Brandi, she’s balls to the wall and isn’t a super slut, but Kyle thinks she’s projecting and I agree. Dana flatly informs her that John is visiting his son in Boston and his dying mother in New York. “Oh, okay,” says Brandi. “I’m obnoxious, take it or leave it.” Well, I’d choose Leave It but I’m not Casting.

So where’s Kimmy? Seems she’s had another power outage! Her phone died, her kids wouldn’t come, she felt weird so she had another drink. Oh well, and more foreshadowing. Next week Brandi drops the meth-head accusation and the Richards Chicks go all Oklahoma on her ass!

Until then…

Elizabeth