Back inside the Palais Oof-If, The Glands has arrived and oh my God. She’s wearing a peuce jumpsuit. With genie legs. And CAMELTOE. How does that happen? There’s supposed to be drape! I am quite simply staggered. And she’s all bedraggled like she just got off work. (An aside: one early morning when I was a single girl in Chicago I happened upon a whole bunch of strippers rolling home at dawn in the back of a pickup truck. Pink feather boas and all. It was just like Friday Night Lights, but urban.) In an ITM, our Kimmy comments that it’s going to be a relaaaaaxing spa day with Brandi! The ITM is only remarkable because Kim’s again wearing the gold lame leopard Blanche Deveraux blouse with hidden straightjacket, which artfully covers her neck which is SO OLD! It pains me to see the great Kim Richards, who I loved so much in the “Witch Mountain” series, past her prime. According to IMDb, she’s 47, whereas Kyle is 42, and those five years were not kind, it seems. This whole spa thing is just not. working. for. Kim. In more ways than one.
Narrating her activities as usual, Camille decides to have a cake pop in her “effort to gain weight” before popping into the spray tan booth with Bernie the Enforcer and a very small sheer pink thong. Lisa peeps in the door and shouts to Camille to BEND OVER, which is again a telling thing. I’ve never had a cake pop, but I think they’re a trend that’s over before it started, kind of like Kim Kardashian’s shark jumping marriage. (An aside: Thanksgiving 1995, a year when I was not tasked with cooking a frozen Kosher turkey, we were in Vail for the holiday and happened to be staying across the hall from the Kardashians, a situation discovered when my Presbyterian mother spotted the custodial parent Robert (“You won’t believe who’s staying across the hall! That skunk haired man from the OJ Bronco chase!”). The K Kids were uniformly surly and, in Khloe’s case, a bit intimidating in the elevator. And they do not have the naturally luminous complexions they and E! would like you to think. But I digress.)
Now we’re having this whole back-and-forth about the Crystal Meth Slapdown and who needs to apologize to who, and we’re not even 24 hours post NJ and there’s really not enough wine in the world for these kind of shenanigans. Adrienne wants Brandi to be the bigger person and apologize, Brandi doesn’t want to do it because They started it, Kim doesn’t want to acknowledge Brandi, and Kyle’s perfectly happy with her head on the Boppy letting the color-block-haired manicurist paint the piggies. Now as I’ve said, the Richards Chicks really let us all down with their performance at Game Night, and need to be held accountable. But we also have the Glands clinging to the fact that her interaction with Kimmy was the first time she’s even met her (this is an excuse?) and insisting our Kimmy was “clearly inebriated” and “clearly has a problem”. Clearly? “You can’t fight with crazy,” says The Glands, and I’ll agree with that, but that and only that.
I’m not a mental health expert, but I’m going to guess our Kim is struggling with various forms of anxiety and phobia and may possibly be adversely affected by a medley of physician-prescribed medications of sorts and kinds. Which may be sketchy, but accusing her of firing up the meth or whatever one does with crank is apology territory if you ask me. And Lisa agrees with me. Brandi thinks I should go to hell and she should try to sneak out because she doesn’t want to apologize anyway, but the rest of the ladies are too quick and corner her, so the fauxpology happens and it is just like what goes on at my house on the 8s when Big smacks Middle in the nose or more delicate regions, and vice versa. The Glands acknowledges that her kids and her parenting are her trigger, and Kim’s Kyle’s, and after bickering about the chronological order of rudeness they grudgingly acknowledge they were both shits and let’s move on. Oh thank God, not that any of it’s resolved, but what remains can wait for future episodes.
Next week: Mo throws an orgy, Kim’s got a secret lovah, and Russell’s back! Spooky!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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any more info on Tay and the dude from Most Eligible Dallas? Last I heard she was devastated. Is that a ruse?
Always enjoy your witty summary/comments..
My RHOBH wish: LESS Taylor & Kim
MORE “Giggy” the Pom
well..one can only hope 😉
Does anyone else think that on RHONJ Teresa is being made up to be “the bad guy”? In every season and city of Real Housewives there is a drama queen that everyone hates or has trouble with and since Danielle is not on the show, I think Teresa got cast as the witch… Dont get me wrong, she plays the part really well, but on the past seasons she never seemed this bad and even did try to go out of her way to make up with Danielle. Just a thought!