Finally, it’s time for the Fashion Show and they must have had a whole third world country working like elves to get that single prototype delivered with such speed! Adrienne’s in a panic because she’s a Virgo, therefore a perfectionist, and while I too am a Virgo and a bit of a Type A, my usual output of perfection looks a whole lot different. But there’s room for all kinds in this world, I suppose. Adrienne’s confronting Shay, the Party Planner, and has Bernie the Enforcer at her back and ready to go chop-chop should this Shoe Show not get adequately On The Road. After assuring herself that the 19 valets can manage the parking needs of 100 guests, and seeing that the giant table lamps are in place and the Angel Champagne given prominent product placement, we’re ready to roll! Kevan Hall, Celebrity Fashion Designer, is in the house with his fall line, and marketing agent Shaila, with whom I share a common friend (therefore making me just three degrees separated from Adrienne, no Kevin Bacons involved) is keeping Ms. Maloof off the roof. Showtime!
It seems Russell has had a meeting cancel and is going to come to this shindig with Taylor and be very gentlemanly all evening, which just makes it all an extra bit too salty. They pick up the Umanskys and while I like the color of Kyle’s dress, I think it was a mistake for her to go for a BH Pippa look. She’s just too top-heavy and needs more industrial-strength spanx, I’m sorry. Satin is terribly unforgiving. In the limo the four of them discuss the awkwardness that now exists between Taylor and Camille. What the what? That awkwardness has nothing on the awkwardness of engaging The Elephant in the Limo, Russell himself, in open discussion about how his wife has told people he’s beating her. According to Russell, it’s all Camille’s fault for saying such “blatantly false things”. According to Kyle, all Camille was doing was repeating what Taylor has been saying to all of them. Lord get me out of this car.
Finally we get to the Manse Oof-If, and Brandi’s already arrived with her crotchety human crutch from last week who appears to have recycled her Kounty Fair ensemble for this event. Dr. Paul has spruced up his look with a jaunty paisley print shirt of Adrienne’s choosing and a silk pocket poof that looks stolen from Doug Henning. Lisa teeters over from across the street in her one-shoulder Barney legwarmer with Mr. Lisa and Moh in tow. Upon arrival Adrienne immediately takes Lisa out behind the woodshed for a confrontation about Pandy’s bachelorette party, which Adrienne’s non-competition, Planet Hollywood, is hosting. Adrienne’s mad because she wishes Lisa would have asked her. Lisa points out that her PH friend offered, and asking Adrienne would have been an imposition (not to mention rude to the friend who had offered to seek out a better option, how about that?) They agree to disagree, until they decide to disagree more about whether Adrienne had or had not done enough to promote Lisa’s wine in her casino. Do we have to do this NOW?
Thank the lord of the rings Camille’s here in that gorgeous winter-white coat I love so much, accompanied by her publicist. Smart. Is she too casual? Not as casual as the dudes in the untucked printed shirts. The promoted Bathroom Confrontation is a big nothing and she and Tay agree to Talk Later, which means caca will by flying next week! Heading back out onto the patio, Tay introduces us and Russell to Wendy, a self-described former bitter, angry bitch, who was saved by Dr. Ron and introduced him to Taylor. Dr. Ron has now “almost” fixed the Armstrongs marriage! ALMOST! But yet nope. He must be so pleased to be professionally involved with this disaster.
Finally, after much hoo and haw about which side the champagne would be served from (serve from the right and clear from the left!), the fashion show begins! This is a big charitable moment for Adrienne who in turn is such an inspiration to the girls of Step Up. I mean, if Adrienne, who inherited a ton of cash and owns a casino and a sports team and a whole bunch of other stuff not to mention is on TV, can start a shoe line, why can’t those girls? Adrienne’s motto is to take care of her customers, her employees, and to give back, and she’s damn right about that. Anyway, after a moving toast, Lisa’s ready to see the Maloof Hoof! But where is it? Is this another She by Sheree fashion show? After the whole tasteful Kevan Hall fall line is introduced, Adrienne finally reveals herself, and her back fat (sorry, but it escaped a little and I saw it) in a new spangly strapless column that….. completely covers up the shoes. Adrienne intones that she wanted Step Up to be the center of attention. Which is nice, but perhaps a bit misguided. When we finally get a glimpse of the Maloof Hoof it unsurprisingly reveals itself to be… a pair of six-inch peep-toe gold spanglers, but this time with a mirrored platform! Gorge! But look out, Adrienne, because the VanderPUMP is on its way to kick yo ass! And Kyle’s got a butterfly clip in her hair!
Next week: someone’s a narcissist (hmm, who could it be?), the wedge-but-no-bra party devolves into a b*tch fight with splits, girl slapping, and a confrontation with what appears to be Allison the Electric Cigarette Smoking Psychic, and Taylor goes totally Bat Shiitake in Kyle’s powerful embrace. Adios!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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