In Da Hood, Kyle’s at a rather scrubby looking chandelier store with Faye Resnick. They have to plan décor for Kyle’s White Party, at which Russell was so conspicuously uncomfortable loitering by the Fatburger stand last season. This year won’t be any better, hon. Today’s Tan Birkin day, and Glenn the Event Whipping Boy is showing the ladies some sparkly danglers. They also need mezuzahs. I looked this up on Wikipedia (I’m Catholic, I just don’t know all this stuff), and a mezuzah is a scroll of parchment inscribed with the verses of Shema Israel from the Torah, and is meant to be affixed to the doorframe of one’s home. Faye Resnick seems to think the mezuzah holds the same power as the evil eye baseball hat Tamra Barney was sporting last season to ward off Gretchen. Faye also seems not to understand that when an event whipping boy hands you a chandelier you are meant to hold it up, because she drops their candidate to decorate the cabana and it shatters into a million teeny pieces on the showroom floor. Only $750, which means that was a damn cheap chandelier, so who cares anyway.
Around the corner and down the street, it’s time for Lisa and Pandy to go wedding dress shopping! No pre-owned wedding dress for Pandy, as the Pumps turn up at Panache Beverly Hills, located in a storefront that used to house a Woolworth’s before the neighborhood went to hell. Pandora wants a tiara, Giggy’s all tangled up in his blue pajama suit (he seems to wear that a lot lately), and here are Pandy’s top four:
· #1 has a long-trained underskirt with wayyyyy too many ruffles. She looks like the Bresler’s Ice Cream Barbie Doll birthday cake I was never allowed to have as a child, probably because they were dealing drugs out of that place. Giggy is unimpressed and slurps water from the bottlecap all over the red velvet settee.
· #2 is a dirty color and has all these drippy looking tulle flowers hanging off it.
· #3 has an attractive tulle draped bosom, but Pandy wants to bedazzle it a little more and festoon the back with pink roses.
· #4 has a big assbow.
Did anyone else see Dana and Brandi on E!News on Monday night? They were decorating their homes for the holidays and making a gingerbread house together. Dana was complaining of her lack of a fan base. I wonder how those two scored that gig…?
Great post Elizabeth. I look forward to you columns!