The three awkward amigas – Kyle, Adrienne, and Lisa – stop to confer about this Taylor situation. (Whatever ugly blood there is between A and L is temporarily tabled when Lisa looks A in the eye and says “Hullo. Sorry.”) Has anyone talked to Taylor? Nope. This is going to be head to head, mano a mano, chicas. Lisa is coming to Tay’s defense, because the email was sent while Tay and Lisa were in Vegas so she can’t have known, and she also didn’t know about the emails Russell was sending Taylor. What this proves other than disproving nothing I have no idea. The menfolk lean in to opine; Mauricio is wearing a necklace he picked up at a Dead show in 1993 with a pair of Kyle’s pink panties tucked in his jacket pocket. The men, and Mr. Lisa, are all in agreement that Russell is the black sheep of the White Party and has no place. The tribe has spoken. Pffffttttt.
Meanwhile, blissfully disconnected from all this hoodehah I Dream of Kimmie arrives to make one of her required minimum appearances in order to get paid. Kim’s wearing white pants, a white cami, and a white cardigan with a big gold lame judo belt. She’s accompanied by Kyle’s MIL, Estella, who she didn’t want to speak to last week, and The Bear, who is wearing the night’s signature look, an untucked white shirt. Curiously, the only undergarment he could find to wear underneath is a bleached-out North Face t-shirt. Is this what happens when you keep smoking pot after college?
So while the chickens are having a panic attack the closer Taylor lurks, Kim ends up cornered in the pantry of the Casa Umansky by The Glands (who is two feet taller and carrying a really ugly handbag and has one terrifyingly thin spaghetti strap just barely containing a boobie explosion) and Sober Jennifer in a confrontation that goes like this:
K: “I will never like you.”
B: “You watch your finger.”
K: “This is my magic finger. And when I get mad, when I get HOT, my magic finger…”
B: “Are you kidding me?”
K: [screechy falsetto] “Are you kidding me?”
**cut to montage of the party’s fat people packed into unflattering white clothing**
B: “I suspect substance abuse.” [Sober and Silent Jennifer silently concurs.]
K: “Don’t try it again.”
B: “I won’t, I am sorry.”
K: “You are so pretty, with your truck driver mouth.”
B: “I do have a truck driver mouth. f%^& f%^& f%^& f%^& f%^&ety f%^& f%^& f%^& f%^&..”
K: “Give yourself a great big hug for how great you are, and for all the great things you do, and don’t poke yourself in the eye in the process.”
B: “You’re so pretty.”
K: “No, you are.”
And finally Kyle breaks it up. Kim tries to send Kim Jr. in for round two, because that’s how momma teaches those girls how to be ladies, but she’s too jacked up on Nyquil and is slumped in the broom closet.
Meanwhile, just blocks away since they are supposedly neighbors but it still takes forever to get there, Tay and Russell hop into the limo and they are so geared up for a good time, they might even have marital relations afterward. It’s that good. Taylor says this party is going to be fun. Russell says he’s going to party all night (just like last year, while he shed a tear in his beer at the Fatburger stand) and be the last to leave after he drinks all the vodka. By the way, Tay, Russell thinks you look great in your peacock earrings. They left Vegas to come to this party and they are bringing that Vegas attitude with them! Now that the two lovebirds have forgiven each other, now that Russell is a ‘good boy’ (eeeek), they are ready to have some FUN! WOOOOOOT! Good times!
Back at Kyle’s the Amigas are trying to line up their story and Kyle needs to breathe into a paper bag. All this panic reminds me of the time my friend Chris accidentally set fire to our friend Mark’s shoe in the fireplace of our rented vacation home and ran amok like the piano player from Sesame Street while Mark’s wife and I conferred in a deep drunken tete-a-tete and toxic black plumes bloomed unabated from the hearth. The next day Chris blamed the missing shoe on my toddler before finally confessing on day 3. Lisa demands to know DOES TAYLOR KNOW? Mauricio thinks it doesn’t matter because it’s their issue as a married couple even if she doesn’t know. But DOES SHE KNOW? Adrienne is sure she does. Lisa thinks not. I don’t see how it matters. But DOES SHE KNOW? Dr. Paul doesn’t care. Why should anyone have to deal with this? Indeed. As Adrienne says, you don’t spin a situation up, get others wound up about it, and then ditch them with it only to get them sued over it. That’s not what friends are for, no sirree Bob. This why Adrienne has the most cake.
So the limo pulls up and the Unvitation Brigade storms out of the Casa Umansky. “Hey-LOHHH!” yodels Tay in Oklahoman. “We have to talk,” murmurs Kyle. They’ve all read the e-mail. They are all involved in the problem. Lisa pipes up from the back that “Taylor doesn’t know!” “I don’t know,” re-pipes Taylor. “Who the hell cares?” pipes Dr. Paul. “Nobody wants to get sued,” rumbles Mauricio. Somehow this is all being blamed on Camille’s lawyer in a total pansy move. Russell tries to be all dignified that his email wasn’t meant to be threatening, just letting her know that she hurt his feelings. Oh, right. When you email someone from the address of InigoMontoya@comcast.net and announce that they have made false, slanderous remarks that are harming your business prospects you are not engaged in a friendly disagreement, sir.
Tay shrilly and abruptly informs the assembled that they are going to go and hops into the limo with her frog prince. Kyle, sobbing, throws herself onto the limo floor, begging for understanding. Adrienne isn’t about to let this end that easily and pokes her head into the car to confront Russell for going after Camille for repeating what Tay herself had said. Tay insists that Camille repeated an exaggerated version of what Tay had told her. Or perhaps someone else did the exaggerating? There’s no getting to the end of this, so the Armstrongs kick Kyle out of the limo and they peel out for the airport, determined to fly right back to Vegas and make sweet love on the bearskin rug. Mauricio escorts Kyle back to the house, armed with the aforementioned bottle of vodka, and Russell’s manhood.
Next week: Russell declares the tea party statements an “out and out lie”, Kim (having proven to Dana with manual evidence that her boobies are the real deal) is getting randy with The Bear on the dance floor and giving us all the willies, and we’re off to Hawaii, minus you know you and you know who else. Until then, I wish you all feliz navidad!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770