Anyway, I wanna go to Hawaii! And so does Giggy, who’s got a Magnum PI shirt on over his favorite blue pjs, but he can’t because he’s not allowed. Are you not allowed to bring pets to Hawaii? Does this have something to do with their efforts to keep mongooses out? I recall something from our trip to Kauai about snakes and mongooses (mongeese?) but can’t remember what it was and don’t care to google it. Anyway, Giggy’s staying home with a babysitter, but Kyle invited Brandi and Lisa’s not happy about it because Brandi was once friends with Cedric, who it turns out has relaunched himself as a life coach to an interior designer. Having seen a few episodes of the Bravo show about LA decorators I can see how this would happen. Across town, Kyle’s pestering Mauricio to get off the treadmill and find her pretty luggage. He says Kyle can borrow his because he’s just packing two tshirts and two thongs in his fannypack. Will The Bear be packing a thong too? Aloha!
The next day the dogless Pumps are the first to arrive at LAX, followed by Brandi in a cheap white lacy maxidress I bought at Old Navy three summers ago, and then Camille who for some odd reason is wearing boots, like she’s Amelia Earhart. But where’s Kim? Over a hangover special of breakfast sammies, tater tots, and onion rings in the Admiral’s Club, Kyle tracks down Kim whose alarm didn’t go off. And the power was out. And her driver’s license is expired, and she can’t find her passport. And when Kyle tried to take her to the DMV last week she lied and said she’d already gone, but she hadn’t. Note to the LAPD: we have footage of Kim driving on an expired license this season…just saying. I tell you, these housewives and their traffic infractions… oh, and Kim can’t find her keys either. Basically, she’s locked herself in the closet and won’t come out. Brandi’s glad.
Meanwhile, having quickly made peace with the good people of Bravo, Taylor’s having a private therapy session with the magical Dr. Sophy, D.O., sharing her deep sorrow that she didn’t get to go to Hawaii with everyone else. Did Russell apologize for having threatened to sue Camille, asks Dr. S? Did he take ownership? No, says Taylor, and after she read his e-mail she realized that he didn’t give Camille an out. He threatened her, he’s a bully, he cannot control himself. And now it’s affecting Tay’s friendships, because her friends can’t help but want to help when they hear a cry for help, but then they might get sued for helping so they have to leave her in the street. The good doctor informs Tay that she cannot continue constantly managing Russell to prevent an explosion, and that she needs to realize she doesn’t need to be in crisis management to have a man. Wow, that sucks. Time for a tough decision, intones the sockless osteopath. I’d say.
On board Hawaiian Airlines, the champagne toast is ruined by mention of the absent Tay, although everyone seems far more turned off by the prospect of Kim showing up. None more so than Dr. If who would rather have a screaming baby on his lap than Kim on his later flight. Wow, I’d hide in the closet, too. Camille’s passing on the champagne in favor of 16 Ounces of Freedom. Someone is going to have to tell me what that is because Google can’t. But she’d rather have 8 inches, and Brandi’s all ready to give it to her. Ohmiword. Kyle and Lisa confer about what’s wrong with The Bear. Lisa thought he was okay if you like that sort of thing, but Kyle associated him with a bad time in Kim’s life (huh?) and says that being not lonely is not the same thing as being happy. True nuf, that.
The gang lands in Honolulu and heads out to the square block with wings that Mauricio rented to take them privately to Lanai, because he is trying to be fancy but he’s actually cheap. My dad was like that, which makes me love rumbly Mauricio all the more. Kyle, who hates to fly, is absolutely stricken. “Have a drink,” says the Glands, “because it won’t get better.” For her part, the Glands took a Xanax; she would have preferred to roofie herself, which she used to do and it was “awesome”, but that’s illegal. The Glands props her cankle up on the seat in front of her and her dress slips down to reveal a battery pack strapped to her leg. Perhaps some built in Bedroom Kandi is the secret to Brandi’s ever-mellow state? Kyle clutches her Zohar and shrieks in terror as the flying Frigidaire lurches and farts, while Brandi giggles, slurry.
Mele kalikimaka, we’re here! Mauricio wants a cocktail on the beach. Brandi wants a cock on the beach, or Camille, either will do. Snort! “Speaking of,” Brandi turns to the Pumps, “I haven’t seen the love between the two of you but I’m guessing it’s there.” Has Cedric been telling tales out of school? Lisa’s so put off by this that she offers to give Mr. Lisa a fourth pump for the year just as soon as they are alone in their suite at the Four Seasons Lanai. Happy holidays!