After freshening up, the weary travelers reunite for sunset cocktails. And can you believe it? Camille and Brandi are wearing the same dress! Not the same ONE dress, but the same keyholey maxi dress, Camille’s in streaky green and Brandi’s in navy. Do you think they bought them together? Camille gracefully pivots to show the camera her plumber’s smile. Maybe she’s keeping her keycard in there. Lisa’s in a painful white girdle, Adrienne’s got a necklace competing with her halter neckline, and Kyle’s in a striped white coverup with wings, ready to leap from the balcony and take flight. Last week a friend asked whether Kyle has legs. Well, now we’ve seen them, but the bigger question is whether her boobs rest right on top of her belt, like the librarian at my junior high.
The Glands decides to snuggle up to Mr. Lisa, in his silky violet medallion print blouse that nicely brings out the mauve in his mullet, and Lisa sharply raps her on the knuckles and tells her to GET OFF, and by the way your right nipple is about to pop out. The Glands and Mr. Lisa look equally addled and confused. Loosen up, kittycats, we’re on vacation! says the Glands. For her part, she’s loose. Extra loose.
Day 2: Paul arrives, no Kim. And it looks like no piñata for Paul, either, so sad. Adrienne, you’ve got to give some up sometime, girl. They are called marital duties, and when duty calls… but Adrienne’s not going to do Dr. Paul, she’s not going to go in the ocean, and she’s not going near a dolphin, either. Nyet!
Camille and Brandi are going down to the pool. As Brandi peels off the net some lascivious fisherman tossed over her head in passing to reveal her poo brown crochet butt floss, Camille erupts in an orgasmic coo that the Glands’ body is “incredible!” Incredible indeed! Her ensemble looks like what would happen if the Incredible Hulk was wearing suntan-colored Hooters pantyhose before he transformed. Camille, meanwhile, is wearing a teeny black bottom and an industrial strength black boulder holder to contain Thing 1 and Thing 2, who are trying to make a break for it out the bottom. After a well-intended staff person stops by to spray their private parts with Evian, the Pumps stroll up en route to the plage. Lisa’s in a caftan with a – surprise! – giant pink hat, while Mr. Lisa is wearing the same chapeau as Brandi. Do you think they bought them together? He advises The Glands to elevate her cankle. Lots of concern he has for her wellbeing, kind man.
The group ventures on to the beach, where dolphins frolic and The Glands clanks along the sand looking like a knock-kneed giraffe. It appears that Lisa has a furry acid-green string bikini on under that caftan, which is a bold if ugly choice for age 50. Kyle’s got bunions and is toting a giant gold lame handbag, but she’s not going to reveal whether she’s secretly wearing giant granny panties pulled up to her armpits, thankyouverymuch. Caftan from the wardrobe of the musical ‘Hair” staying ON, end of discussion.
And then: the phone rings. It’s Taylor. And her marriage is over. [GASP.] Russell is moving out before they hurt each other anymore. It’s been a toxic marriage. They are going to do this in a nice way (mmm hmmm) and need to make it good for their little girl and be good coparents. Yeah, that’s about right. Lisa blinks in sorrow and her fake eyelashes make her look like an elephant. It’s just Noah’s f***ing ark around this place.
Next week: One great ass after another, and Kim’s late again! And again! But The Bear doesn’t care. Aloha!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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