REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/9/12

An hour after their scheduled 11 a.m. departure, the crew gives up and leaves Kim and The BM behind, arriving at the docks and quickly disrobing. Camille and Lisa poke each other’s boobies. Adrienne removes her Hit Me Baby One More Time half shirt and complains that her massive rack, encased in the white version of Camille’s black boulder holder, is “small”. Only in LA. Kim and The BM race to the docks in a taxi only to find their ship has sailed. Kim’s a marlin fisher, so she knows when you charter a boat you wait for people. Not these nonfishers, nope. Kyle calls forlornly to Kim from the boat, but the captain declares that they are on a tight schedule and can’t turn this mighty vessel around now. Shucks.

Kim and The BM return to the hotel to loudly consume a very leisurely lunch of lip-smacky nibbles. The BM, who got poked in the eye somewhere along the line, set the alarm on the clock but it didn’t go off. They also called for a wakeup but the call didn’t come. But they don’t care anyway because they really didn’t want to go. They just want to sit and enjoy their vittles and skip this whole Hawaiian nonsense. What is that brown strap around Kim’s neck? The BM informs her that he has had enough of this group giving her a hard time. Common decency should prevail, or he’s going to throw jabs himself. Good times ahead!

Back on the boat, after waving her atomic wedgie at the Captain, The Glands’ suit bottom comes untied and there’s a moment where her “vagina” is nearly “in the air”, according to Brandi. That’s not really what I think would have happened, but whatever. The men, and Camille, set to snorkeling to avoid flying gynecology, whereas Lisa would prefer to watch The Science Channel, dry, and stay on deck to see what wardrobe malfunction is coming next.

And having made good with the producers, guess who got screen time back in LA? Tay! She’s lunching with Dana and it looks like Dana may have moved because this just isn’t the same house. Hmmm….interesting. Dana was worried about Tay after the party. She will always believe her friend, but didn’t know what to do about the “perimeter”, i.e., the fact that Bravo kicked the Armstrongs off the show and told the Housewives they could not interact with them due to risk of litigation. “I’ve left him, he’s gone,” intones Tay, before bursting into tears and metaphor. She’s given everything she had. For the last six months she was not herself. She’s been trying to hold the lid down on an overboiling pot (I thought she didn’t cook?). It’s hard not to have friends standing up for her. Dana, who is turning out to be a voice of reason, points out to Tay that Russell has been an alienating force, and as long as she’s kept him around she’s been building her own wall. Dana loves Tay, and is sure she is going to blossom. That was sweet. I like Dana even better now. My opinion of Taylor pretty much the same, though.

Back to Lanai, where Birthday Dinner #2 will be served at the Four Seasons Lodge at Koele. Adrienne really needs to give more careful thought to her fabric choices because her purple butt looks all ripply. Lisa is costumed as a sunset, while the Richards Chicks appear to be wearing the tangerine outcome of a two-part Project Runway challenge, where a team has to present one pageant gown and one $5 knockoff. Kim strolls the grounds with the Oof-Ifs, who are making friendly, positive inquiries about their new friend The BM when they come upon him and his BlackBerry, at which point he attacks. “We were being nice!” protest the Oof-Ifs. “I’m not buying it,” he growls. Adrienne looks straight into the camera and telepathically channels a single word: “FREAK”.

The gang is hustled inside for a formal dinner at which brie cheese will be served, and The BM informs Kim she doesn’t like brie cheese. Kim thinks she does like brie cheese. “No, you don’t,” says The BM, flatly. So much for the cheese. Kyle, hair clipped back in the only butterfly clip left in North America, asks Kim what they did today. “Lunch,” she is told. No pool, no beach, no hula classes, nothing. Just the TGIFridays special. Kim’s perfectly happy to have missed the catamaran cruise, because even though she’s a fisherperson, everything happens for a reason. Kyle is angry and feels Kim and The BM are being disrespectful of Mauricio’s birthday. “Not really,” says Kim. Oh, right, you’ve come to dinner and ruined it, twice. Mauricio joins in and takes things back to the beginning with the missed flight, while everyone else sucks down grappa. Kim thinks they are picking a bone. Mauricio thinks their behavior has made everything awkward.

Finally, The BM has had it. “We don’t care!” he announces. “We’re tired of the whole thing and wish we could enjoy ourselves.” Because it’s their birthday, dammit! Everyone who invited them on this free vacation should just leave them alone! And with that, Kim and The BM leave. So long, suckers!

Really, I think Kyle should be happy about this but she’s not, and she’s going to be even more unhappy when she sees the back fat being captured by this camera angle. My husband is distracted by the “mambo tatas”, so she has that to be thankful for. A discussion ensues about Kim’s mysterious substance abuse problem and how The BM isn’t helping her. Lisa feels this isn’t a fight Kyle’s going to win so she needs to back off. The Glands feels Kyle needs to intervene. Mauricio wishes he’d just had his birthday at Chuck E. Cheese like he asked to in the first place.

Next week: Sur opens, barely; Kim thinks she may be facing a Ramonaception; and The C Word is back! Aloha!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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