REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/16/12

Anyway, let’s keep it moving. So this is like the 19th episode of the season, but last night was the very first time I realized that in the opening credits when Kyle is rolling around on the bed with Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Portia, she appears to be wrapped up in a giant American flag. Kyle has also attended events for President Obama. A conservative conspiracy email regarding this matter should end up in my inbox any moment, courtesy of my mother.

The new day dawns chez Umansky where Flopsy and Kyle, who has a zit on the end of her nose, are doing their makeup together. For her part, Portia is putting makeup on the family dog, who is trapped in a cone. It seems tonight is the big opening of Sur, the Pumps’ sexy new dining establishment, and Flopsy gets to come, too, because pretty much everyone who has ever been on this show or any other Bravo vehicle is on the guest list. Portia must have pink eye because Kyle tries to give her her eye drops and she runs away screaming. This happened to me the other day when I tried to take a Sharpie away from my 2-year-old, who ran away shouting “Go away! Go away, mom!” I can’t decide whether or not I am pleased with the use of full sentences in this fashion. Anyway, what to wear? Something sparkly, no doubt.

Across town at Sur nothing is ready, which is interesting because per RadarOnline the opening had been delayed by weeks strictly because Taylor had been all beaten up by Russell and they had to put a halt to filming until she had been released from the hospital. So after a whole lot of downtime, now it’s a mad rush. Even Pandora is sweeping! Lisa is teetering about in some highly practical leopard print stiletto construction footwear and pointing out all the wires and other krap that needs to be hidden before the opening. You don’t say! Mr. Lisa, whose pink blouse is unbuttoned to the navel, finally steps in and sends her home to dress. Have you ever noticed that no part of Mr. Lisa’s face moves when he speaks?

Elsewhere in the 9s, Kim and The BM have decided to stay closer to town, taking up a room at Maison 140, which per Google bills itself as a luxury hotel with rates starting at $165. Maison 140 looks more like a retirement home on the side of a highway in Nebraska to me. Although Kim and The BM are supposedly only staying one night there are piles of krap everywhere and 14 pairs of shoes. Very Randy Quaid altogether. While Thierry the makeup artist has his way with Kim’s crinkled temples, she fishes around in her colossal gold lame handbag until she finds what she’s looking for: a pink vibrator she originally mistook for a light-up lipgloss when she found it in the drawer. Seeing as Kim wasn’t familiar with this strange implement, this establishes one of two possibilities: either Kim found the magic wand in a drawer at Maison 140, or she found it in a drawer at The BM’s residence. Either way, it seems this isn’t Kim’s bedroom kandi and yet she’s applying it to the back of her neck.

I guess Kimmy needs a little extra help with relaxation because she’s finding her relationship with The BM “strenuous”. The idea of Kim and The BM engaged in anything “strenuous” is almost as icky as the idea of Kim pleasuring herself with a stranger’s vibe. The BM just can’t meet Kim’s needs: he fails to bring ice for her 7Up, brings her bottled Starbucks instead of the fresh kind, has lots of opinions about her footwear, etc. etc. This relationship is failing fast. Thierry asks Kim about things with Kyle, and Kim claims she made very reasonable requests to address their Hawaiian differences privately, but Kyle insisted on airing it all out amidst their guests. I don’t remember it that way, but whatever. One little bit of trouble and Kim’s going to be out the door tonight. Or locked in a bathroom with Dana, either way.

Back to Sur, the Sexy Unique Restaurant, full of white fleurs, flickering candlelight at 2 p.m. in the afternoon, and lots of praying statuary. Lisa is back and all dolled up in a suffocating baby pink satin prom dress complete with lace edging. Perfectly hideous. Brandi, in a confining red dress nicely contrasting her black-clad entourage, is first to arrive and immediately hits on the bouncer before draping herself across Lisa and completely ignoring Pandora who is standing right there. Moh rolls in next with his silent bikini model companion, before we’re joined by the Oof-Ifs, accompanied by the shoe publicist. Adrienne is wearing a bronze lame evening gown which makes no sense at all. So far everyone pretty much looks like crap except the Sur hostess, who is wearing an exotic print halter slip dress and resembles a saucy Michelle Obama. Gorge.