Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 2/2/16

February 3rd, 2016 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Is there a place a nonreligious girl like myself can go to ask for forgiveness for taking last week off and not recapping the episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Faye Resnick came face to face with the woman she talked total bullsh*t about twenty years ago in a book that was written in two weeks alongside one of the editors of the National Enquirer so she could most effectively capitalize off the murder of someone she claimed was her best friend in the whole entire world? Would it suffice for everyone to know that, even more than I hate the slug-like Resnick, I hate myself for spending last Tuesday night leisurely resting up for the Springsteen concert I went to the following evening instead of watching the Housewives devolve into simmering pits of resentment while the sea monster in their midst sat calmly on a patio she probably decorated? Can I ever possibly come to terms with the fact that it took me a full day to actually watch that slithering Resnick assh*le smile her collagen-pumped grin while telling Kathryn, the new Housewife whose life she tried to destroy a score of years ago for profit, that she looks beautiful?

Let’s just call a f*cking assh*le a f*cking assh*le, shall we? Why split hair extensions and beat around what I’m guessing is a carefully lasered bush? Faye Resnick is a f*cking assh*le. Here are the facts of my case:

1. She achieved infamy because of her proximity and involvement in the O.J. Simpson murder trial. This infamy was not a surprising result that befell a shy woman who desperately wanted to keep her privacy. No, this infamy was garnered strategically by writing a book and posing for Playboy.

2. Rather than mourn the woman she maintained was her closest friend, she wrote a book about that woman’s secrets.

3. She’s really good friends with Kris Jenner and makes sure to appear every now and again on her reality show so she won’t disappear into the void of nothingness that can plague a woman who desperately needs attention.

4. Kyle Richards considers her to be like a sister. Score.

5. She once tried to shame Lisa Vanderpump at the woman’s own house where she showed up to a vow renewal ceremony uninvited and honey, you can do a lot of things before I contemplate cold-clocking you across your shaved jawline, but you’d best not f*ck with Ms. Vanderpump.

Now, I’ve known for some time that Faye Resnick sucks the humongous sweaty balls of a farm animal during an August heat wave, but I got to be reminded of just how ridiculous a creature she is during the Kathryn Confrontation that never really got off the ground. First, Faye did not need to be invited to that dinner. I don’t give a sh*t if Kyle claims that she invites Faye everywhere and that the world would stop spinning on its axis and angels would stop getting their wings and Mauricio would stop getting covert bl*wjobs from interns if Faye was left off a guest list. I mean, we have watched Kyle gallivant on this show for years now and Faye most certainly does not go everywhere her raven-haired mistress goes. No, Faye was there for a showdown she then refused to participate in and she instead chose to sit and quietly nod in a nonsensical fashion as Kathryn (not so eloquently) attempted to call her out for her past misdeeds.

Faye refused to engage. She refused to say a single word. She refused to get up and just leave. She wouldn’t even say that she was sorry or that she had been going through a tough time back then and she made some questionable choices she now has to live with and she would like to apologize for the fact that she is one of the greatest examples of why some entire cultures hate women. She refused to say pretty much anything even as she had the f*cking audacity to stare blankly at the woman sitting before her and then cluck about how pretty Kathryn is, a compliment apropos of exactly nothing.

The problem I’m facing now, however, is twofold. The first part of my issue is that my steaming hatred for Kyle Richards has now spiked as though Faye’s just heated it with her very own cauldron, the kind you can purchase directly from The Faye Resnick Showroom where you can be told you look pretty before walking away with a piece of furniture that will break in an hour. For Kyle to pretend that she is afraid that Kathryn will confront Faye is idiotic – and not even interesting in its idiocy. Kathryn just joined The Real Housewives, not an Emily Post Discussion Group. She is being seated across her from her longstanding nemesis at a bullsh*t dinner party during what is essentially her second day on the job. Obviously they are going to fight and for Kyle to flutter her hands nervously after all but padding these two up for a brawl in her backyard is taking disingenuity to an extreme that I refuse to accept.

My second issue is that, while I hate Faye and believe we should probably start a petition that will allow us to do experiments on her living body, her appearance is the only legitimately interesting thing that has happened all season. Sure, it’s been fun to watch Erika react to the craziness everyone else has convinced themselves is totally normal, but it was Faye Resnick’s appearance on the scene that caused me to think something was actually going to happen on a show where most of the participants are far too afraid to do or say anything incendiary or they get offended when someone asks them a personal question even though they have chosen to get paid to appear in a franchise ABOUT THEIR LIVES. I cannot believe I’m actually asking this question, but should someone maybe make Faye an official Housewife? Is she just too loathsome to simply be an infrequent guest star when nothing else ever really happens on this series?

(Did I actually just advocate that we see more of this f*cking shrew? And was that a cute little pink piglet that just flew right by my window?)

Leave a Reply