We finally change the subject to the superstardom Yolanda’s kids have achieved in the world of modeling and she gives them all the credit, though a tiny part of her must be congratulating herself for denying them food during their formative years to prepare them for a life of being judged and sold purely by their gorgeous features. When I tell you that maybe no other sequence in the history of this show – not the wine glass being shattered in Amsterdam and not Kim screaming that Kyle stole her fucking house – has settled in my psyche with more alarm than the moment when Yolanda served Gigi a fingernail-sized portion of cake like you’d serve someone blow in a toilet stall, I’m not kidding.
And now it’s time to delve into the destruction of Yolanda’s marriage, the one that always made so many of us uncomfortable to watch, even when it was made to appear idyllic. Her obsequious obedience to the man was vomit-inducing, as were the jeans he often wore. Watching him this season as he looked like he wanted to gnaw his own arm off to get away from the sick lady was depressing, and it’s hard not to hate the guy who apparently was too busy writing sh*tty songs for some tenor than to recall that he agreed to be in this relationship through sickness and in health. But how is Yolanda handling it? It sounds like she blames herself for making a man have to take care of her. After all, it’s not David who changed; it’s she who moved a health advocate into her home and vacationed in hyperbolic chambers. He’s a good man, Yolanda insists, even though she wishes she could have gotten well before they made the choice to divorce. The rest of it she’d like to keep to herself – or at least wait until People Magazine offers her a cover story to spill all the lemons.
Hey, Kyle? Any chance Yolanda’s sickness might have been a manifestation of symptoms that stemmed from the fact that her marriage was being destroyed while a camera crew was camping out next to her vitamin closet? Well, Kyle says, she can’t really answer because she’s not a doctor – and neither, by the way, is Yolanda’s health advocate, Daisy, who is on the set and ready to implant all the women with pallets in their asses to ward off the nightmare of menopause. Perhaps David Foster is not such a douchebag, after all. Perhaps he just wanted to escape from insane people who stick things inside their anuses but feel okay about doing so because whatever is being shoved up there is all natural.
Now on to Kathryn! The montage that sums up her inaugural season means a whole lot of nothing to me except for one thing: her very warranted fury towards Faye Resnick. See, Faye Resnick is a total assh*le. She sold out her murdered friend weeks after her death. She collaborated with a tabloid reporter to tell the dead woman’s story. She capitalized on her selfish infamy by spreading her ass wide enough for Playboy that we could find out if she had one of those implanted pallets. (She did not.) She’s best friends with Kyle Richards. I mean, case f*cking closed, no? Not if you’re Kyle it’s not! She will defend Faye to the bitter end and tell all of us that her dear friend did not like how she was portrayed on this show! What people said about her caused her to feel great anger and sadness – much like I’d imagine Kathryn felt when Faye Resnick wrote about her in a mother*cking book. But the thing Kyle can really not understand is the huge disconnect that exists between the fun, loyal Faye she knows and the cannibalistic Cyclops everyone else sees when they’re forced to look at her.
Maybe we should allow Kathryn to explain. Her name was not brought into the O.J. Simpson saga until Faye wrote about it in a book she profited from. Isn’t that gross, Kyle? “I understand,” huffs Kyle, flinging her arms about while whispering to her t*ts that she’s glad they’re around to support her as all of these uptight bitches cannot seem to let go of being slandered twenty years ago. And can Kathryn please not talk about someone who didn’t sign up to be a Real Housewife? Um, hasn’t this asshole appeared on every f*cking season of this show thus far? Are we expected to believe she was coerced into signing a release to be on camera? I’ve been giving her a bit of a break this season, but this moment helps reiterate the magnitude of just how much Kyle Richards blows.
“She was not patronizing to you,” Kyle trembles at Kathryn. “When Faye said, ‘You look beautiful,’ she meant it.” Problem f*cking solved, genius.
Side note: you guys, we’re more than halfway through part one of this madness and nobody has said the “M” word! Maybe we all just imagined the entire thing and this season was really a thrill ride of fantastically interesting disagreements and adventures! Can a folie a deux exist amongst an entire viewing audience? Can somebody maybe ask Daisy? I’m betting she’s a fake psychiatrist, too.
Now that Kathryn’s sort of been redeemed in my eyes for calling attention to the creature that is Kyle’s best friend and her impressionable child’s fake aunt, it’s time to explore whether or not she’s a bully for making fun of the fact that Lisa Rinna is emancipated. No, she’s not a bully, Kathryn insists. She’s playful! And nothing is more hilarious than accusing someone of having an eating disorder! As for the vulnerability Kathryn showed while talking about her father’s suicide, she’s still feeling raw about it all, especially because she just lost her nephew to an overdose. Illustrating that there’s still some humanity left in the room, the ladies gather around her for comfort and to offer some Kleenex. It’ll be interesting to see if Kathryn is invited back next year. I’m guessing now that she’ll be included in the cast, if only so Andy can ogle her hot husband with more frequency.
Okay, I totally jinxed us because it’s Munchausen Season now, a yearlong affliction I’m certain will never end. As the Munchausen montage plays, we get to revisit Yolanda’s floor to ceiling closet filled with pills and Kyle asking questions about Yolanda’s children and the smug looks the women wear as they watch the clips, all seemingly believing that each one of them is currently being individually exonerated even though absolutely nothing new is being presented.
So let’s (again) get into it:
Lisa Rinna was not inspired by Yolanda’s Instagram posts where she was shown being stuck with humongous needles.
Lisa Vanderpump found herself confused by the copious amount of sick-girl selfies Yolanda threw up online for the world to judge as well as how, the day after she’d post something where she looked close to death, she’d go ahead and share a recent photo of herself appearing totally healthy.
Kyle doesn’t appreciate that Lisa Rinna dragged her into the Munchausen discussion when she never said a single word about such a thing.
Yolanda is furious that Kyle didn’t throw herself on top of Lisa Rinna and knock her teeth out to stop her from bringing up the word Munchausen because that’s what a true friend like Faye Resnick would have done.
As for the inconsistencies in her stories and the fluctuating timeline she continues to toss around, Yolanda waves those accusations away and everyone is really too timid to follow up too closely. Besides, Yolanda doesn’t even like anyone in that room besides Erika so she’s not about to clarify sh*t.
The big finish – for now – centers around how it even came to be that Munchausen’s was brought up in the first place. Turns out, Lisa Rinna’s hairdresser knows someone who has Munchausen’s and their discussion made Lisa contemplate Yolanda’s sliding-scale-sickness. Was it real, she wondered?
“How can you even fake medical records?” questions the allegedly ill woman who clearly has not seen one episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County.
“This was not malicious,” insists Lisa Rinna. Then she forges ahead and declares she’s about to be “really really honest.” Ready for some real real honesty? Okay, so they were all at her birthday party, the one Yolanda showed up for looking like a corpse, and when she left, Ken mentioned that Yolanda looked awful. At that, Lisa Rinna sprung into action! She stood tall (and thin) and announced that Yolanda was sick! They must all stand by her! Even Harry Hamlin stood up for Yolanda and her grey pallor! And it was Lisa Vanderpump, that wench in Tom Ford – the one she copied from Erika – who then sniped, “There goes our f*cking storyline.” Lisa Rinna even snaps her fingers when she says this line because she believes it’s just so very incriminating (and because doing jazz hands would not have been appropriate). In the meantime, Lisa Vanderpump asserts that such a thing was never said – and if it was, why did no camera record her saying it? But there’s more! Lisa Rinna claims that Lisa Vanderpump then called her on the phone and encouraged her to bring up that Yolanda should become the spokeswoman for Munchausen’s! She’s got stacks of f*cking phone records to prove calls were made! And at this bit of nonsense, Yolanda covers her face with her hands, dabs daintily at her eyes, and walks off the set while Lisa Rinna proudly declares, “I did it!” like she just accomplished something besides self-inflicted starvation.
By the way, Eileen did not say more than five words this entire episode. Maybe she’s experiencing some stage fright. If that’s the case, Daisy is here to help her. She will ram some pill made out of kale and dirt she gathered on a spiritual hike the last time she was in Timbuktu straight up Eileen’s ass and that will cure her of all of her ailments. Just give her a second so she can tend to her favorite sick client first.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.