Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 4/14/15

Kim Richards, you are a thin-lipped, brain-fried terrifying speck of questionable humanity.

You deserve every bit of the verbal viciousness people currently enjoy heaving your way. You deserve for random viewers and your Bravo co-workers and the maître d’ at the Encino Chili’s to openly question your sobriety – because you forgot where you left it that time when you were high in public and while being paid to appear on a reality show about your life. You deserve all of the sh*t you are getting, and I kind of hope that someone even tosses gum into your hair while you’re crossing the street and that the gum’s flavor is Blue and that it stays gobbed against your scalp until the very last second of time. Because Kim? You are quite possibly the very worst person I have never met – and just so we’re clear, I’ve never met Robert Durst either, but I’d sooner dine with him on cheese that is passed its expiration date and braid the strands of hair still left on … Continue reading

April 15th, 2015 | 8 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 4/7/15

Ah, Passover. That elusive holiday that’s not really all that elusive because it swings by every year sometime in April and requires my presence at my mother’s house, where she will have spent two weeks straight cooking for seventeen people who would rather be eating sushi. As a completely nonreligious Jewish person who only participates in the traditions of lighting a memorial candle on the anniversary of my father’s death and collecting presents at Hanukah, I cannot say that I was really looking forward to Passover. There’s always a ton of people and we are crammed around several tables and it’s hard to talk to anybody except for the person sitting directly next to you and we read the same story from the prayer books that we have read for years before even a single bite of dinner is served.

“Why don’t we just discuss it over soup?” I suggested once, but – as the rest of my family cannot be classified as slightly-atheist-heathens – my suggestion was met with silence and just a wee … Continue reading

April 8th, 2015 | 3 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/31/15

If there is one thing getting me through this three-part Reunion it is the hope that at some point Brandi Glanville’s face will pop when she either smirks too hard or says the word “mother*cker” with too much enthusiasm. See, I kind of have no doubt that the popping will eventually occur – have you seen her? – and I have an inkling that, when it happens, thousands of those pesky alien thetans, the spiritual manifestations of former ravaged souls that Scientology swears are inside us all, will explode from her cheeks, forehead, and lips and they will run fleeing from the crazy lady they have been shoved inside of for far too long. And if those thetans have the capacity for sight, I’d like to recommend that they run directly towards Lisa Vanderpump, because if you have to be locked inside of someone, she is your very best bet. She will dress the thetans in satin onesies and they can romp around her palatial grounds with Giggy and then settle in for the night … Continue reading

April 1st, 2015 | 6 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized