Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/24/15

It’s difficult to select the single most idiotic statement ever uttered by often intentionally undernourished women who seek fame and fortune by being recorded by a small camera crew, but I have a few favorites:

“I’m gonna be on Broadway!” – said by NeNe Leakes, the Atlanta Housewife who has literally choked a woman on camera, about getting an actual role in a Broadway show. Continue to dream big, violence-prone strippers!

“Did a ghostwriter write your book?” – posed to Carole Radziwill, a legitimate writer, by Aviva Drescher, the former New York City Housewife who was let go after her final Hail Mary to stay relevant (removing her artificial leg and flinging it across a restaurant during a party that was held for no good reason) went awry.

“My husband is so hot!” – uttered by the currently-incarcerated Theresa Giudice about her revolting husband, a man whose body mirrors the shape of a beer truck. His awful physique is that assh*le’s finest quality, narrowly inching out his ability to help send his wife to prison … Continue reading

March 25th, 2015 | 2 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/17/15

I feel very strongly that it is imperative to consistently vary one’s vocabulary – even when speaking about human beings who exhibit the total intelligence of one lone amoeba – and in that spirit, I boldly proclaim that I will no longer call Brandi Glanville “an asshole” anymore because I have said it far too often and I am concerned that it has lost its impact. Instead, I shall refer to this bus-and-train-wreck version of an adult as “an inflamed sphincter,” and I want to take a moment to apologize to all of the sphincters out there for the terrible association.

This episode begins with Yolanda, Eileen, the Lisas, Kyle’s artificial hair, Kim’s alleged sobriety, and Brandi’s sphincter still vacationing in the stunning land of Amsterdam, a country that should sue half of these Housewives, Bravo, NBC Universal, and Brandi’s forefather’s sperm for so tarnishing the sanctity of the place. But as it’s a new day, new apologies are in order and what better place to do it than in a souvenir shop while wearing … Continue reading

March 18th, 2015 | 4 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/10/15

You know what’s so amazing about going on a vacation? No, I’m not talking about getting that perfect tan or seeing those magical places you have only read about in books or even having one of those nights that don’t end until the dawn when you drink cocktails you can barely pronounce and then dance under a velvet sky filled with stars that look like diamonds when you stare up at them drunkenly. Sure – all of that is nice, but what’s really great about a vacation is when you get to sit around a table on a boat that you can’t get off until it winds its way through a canal and the biggest assh*le in the vicinity suggests that everybody goes around and says something kind about a group of people who have more conflicts than the Middle East and then the evening ends with one person slapping you across the face.

Where’s my passport?!

We’ll get to the worst boat ride any group of people have ever taken in all of history … Continue reading

March 11th, 2015 | 9 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized