Back in California, Yolanda and David prepare to finally leave their exquisite house in Malibu. The house is extraordinary and I feel badly for her that she has to lose it and I feel badly for myself that I will no longer get to gape at it when it appears on my television screen, but I guess what’s worse here is that she’s about to lose her creepy husband, too. Yes, all of that is upsetting, but it’s not nearly as awful as what comes next. That’s right, everyone: Brandi is back. She’s been such a supportive friend to Yolanda that she is even willing to make a paid appearance on this show as an act of pure kindness! You know why Yolanda loves Brandi? Those of you who venture that it’s because Yolanda constantly gets to feel superior just by being in the same airspace as this assh*le are only half right. See, Yolanda loves Brandi because she’s real. I think the cultural lexicon might have been fiddled with without my knowledge because, by Yolanda’s explanation, “real” apparently now means “hideously confrontational” and “self-sabotaging.” Let’s hear it for the ever-shifting power of linguistics!
Brandi’s recently come off a Tinder date with a guy who sadly has short arms, but as long as her new face didn’t frighten him, maybe the two of them have a shot. The two sit on Yolanda’s bed and discuss first how Brandi has a crush on Yolanda’s kid’s boyfriend and then Yolanda tells Brandi how annoyed Lisa Rinna was that she blew Erika’s dinner off to be with Brandi and Kim. Brandi’s response? She says that Lisa Rinna wears a wig. She says that Lisa Rinna should get a life. She says that the rest of them “went after Kim” because she’s weak without ever considering that Kim’s cracked-out behavior impacted the rest of them constantly and she was in fact the cause of her own suffering. She uses the word “hashtag” in a sentence twice, both times without any trace of irony.
First: I f*cking hate Brandi.
Second: #ILikedYourOldFaceBetter.
At the hotel in Dubai, the women are completely wowed by the glittery extravagance and Bravo makes sure to flash the cost of the rooms they’ll be staying in across the screen so we can see for ourselves just how luxurious this vacation will be in case the tables in the lobby carved out of pure gold weren’t enough of an indication. I’m certain our Housewives will be so grateful for these gifts being afforded to them that they will be on their very best behavior for the entire trip. I’m also sure an evil troll with one total brain cell just invaded my head and typed the previous sentence because the real me knows that possibility is pure horsesh*t.
When it’s time for their first dinner, Lisa Vanderpump appears in a caftan that she very well may have stolen from the set of Cleopatra and Erika walks into the room looking like a cross between Malibu Barbie and a pink marshmallow Peep. It’s very important here for me to tell you that I mean that comparison to be a huge compliment and I’m not kidding. Erika looks great. Kyle is wearing the kind of diaphanous thing she always wears but I have no idea what Eileen is wearing because I’m frankly too scared to look. Kathryn is ostensibly the only one who didn’t watch Sex and the City 2 on a loop before the trip because she is in a regular outfit and she starts to sweat once she realizes that she is different than the others. Luckily, Kyle brought them all gift bags stuffed with printed muumuus, so Kathryn excuses herself and throws the muumuu on so she can finally feel like she belongs somewhere.
They all start the meal on their very best behavior. Sadly, that joy turns to sh*t faster than you can say “OshKosh B’gosh.” As they dig into some hummus, Kyle makes sure to mention how sad it is that Yolanda couldn’t make it because she will go to her grave being Yolanda’s biggest fan now. She also reveals that Yolanda mentioned in her speech that her kids have Lyme. Hearing that, Lisa Rinna is stunned and Erika quickly says that she wishes Lisa had been in New York with them because maybe being at the gala would have answered any questions she still harbors about Yolanda. “I’ve never doubted that she’s sick,” explains Lisa. “But she uses her illness as a pass to not be accountable for things.” Taking a beat so she doesn’t strangle Lisa with the muumuu Kyle so thoughtfully picked herself from a rack at Kyle By Alene Too, Erika explains that she really believes Lisa is reading the situation incorrectly. She stands up for Yolanda and she does it pretty effectively. “I’m allowed to have an opinion,” shrugs Lisa, but Eileen tells her that she really can’t understand why Lisa still has weird feelings and doubts about Yolanda.
Why can’t Lisa just say, “I don’t really like Yolanda,” and call it a f*cking day? Why must everyone pretend to like everyone else? After all, this is a group of people essentially tossed together by casting agents and producers. It’s not an organic thing! Not everyone will ultimately find everyone else to be charming. Do I think Lisa should let the lunch Yolanda had with Brandi and Kim go? Yup. You don’t get to dictate what someone else – especially someone you don’t really like – gets to do with her day. Is it f*cking insane that anyone would want to share a meal with Brandi and Kim? Of course it is! But this is an idiotic battle and it’s not worth fighting and it’s not even slightly interesting to watch. Plus, every time Lisa brings it up, we get a screenshot of Kim and Brandi’s faces and I have gone through intense therapy to finally scrub that image from my tender psyche. As for Erika, it’s night one and she’s already sick of these women. Why must they talk about every single issue ad nauseam until she feels nauseous? Can’t they just have fun? And since they’re going outside to check out the glorious view, where is her f*cking rope ladder that’s been spun from pure gold?
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.