Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 4/12/16

April 13th, 2016 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Suffice it to say, if these Housewives were individual teams and this series ever turned into a tournament, I’d bet the farm (and her farm, too) on Lady Vanderpump winning it all. The score probably wouldn’t even be close because her competition is f*cking imploding. I mean, Lisa Rinna now just jabbers away incessantly about total nonsense with a look on her face like she’s actually saying something profound and adequately proving points no one else can fully understand. And there’s not a chance in hell that Eileen would emerge victorious. No, she’d forget to even come out and play because she heard the stirrings of some fight happening in the locker room and who will possibly resolve that conflict if she doesn’t jump on in? Kyle would be trampled the minute she splays herself into a split in the middle of the court. Kathryn is tall – that could help – but she still strikes me as a total nonentity this season so I’m not even considering drafting her. (She can maybe become the furry mascot, Mr. Munchausen.) Yolanda won’t even show up at the game because she hasn’t been to a sporting event in three years and she knows that for sure because she has an abacus by her side at all times so she can tell everyone immediately how long it’s been since she’s done anything, even though there’s proof all over social media that she might slightly futz with the accuracy of those numbers. Erika? She’ll make it to the finals. She’s ridiculous for sure, but I can’t help but admire that she came on this show declaring herself an enigma (I refuse to even type the last part of her tagline because it’s a monstrosity of bullsh*t) and she’s walking away from her inaugural season still an enigma. I sort of appreciate that she didn’t give all of herself away to the viewing audience or to the other women. Choosing not to be completely transparent is the act of someone normal. Yes, the ponytail she rocks during her interviews is terrible and only Madonna was able to pull that look off and even she ditched it halfway through the Blonde Ambition tour and embraced some tight curls instead. Sure, her marriage to that mean old man has made me contemplate lesbianism. Of course her ever-present glam squad is not really crucial to her existence and her seemingly unbreakable connection with Yolanda is bizarre since, prior to this season, none of us ever heard Yolanda so much as mention Erika. But at least Erika might be a decent opponent – and that’s saying something. I’ll still be donning a jersey with Lisa Vanderpump’s name embroidered in hot pink on the back, but I’ll also give Erika some credit for hanging tough and at least appearing lucid.

I finally watched last week’s episode a few days ago, and honesty bids me to declare that there have been some rough personal things going on recently in my family that might have caused my thoughts to be a bit scrambled. Still, though I really tried to pay attention to what was going down, I kind of walked away entirely perplexed about what these women are even arguing about anymore. I buckled down, though. I committed to deciphering the crazy. I made graphs. I made charts. I chanted for Carlton the Witch to send me some guidance. I licked a few lemons and that’s when I believe I was able to finally break through to the idiotic heart of the conflict raging between Lisa Vanderpump and Lisa Rinna, the one Kyle was dragged into and the one Eileen happily danced a rhumba towards before she broke into the middle of the circle and then changed her pace so she could perform the Cabbage Patch. Yes, it appears to all come down to this: Lisa Vanderpump and Yolanda hate one another – have always hated one another –so Lisa decided to hypnotize Lisa Rinna into saying the word “Munchausen” on camera and Lisa Rinna went ahead and did it because Lisa Vanderpump is just so manipulative and everything that’s ever gone wrong in the whole wide world is Lisa Vanderpump’s fault.

Okay, not only does this example of circular logic (and I’m being kind by classifying it that way) not make even a smidgen of sense, but the momentum of it all has catapulted Lisa Rinna clear through the air and she has landed with an inglorious thud in Lunaticsville and now she appears to not remember how to get home. Worse than that, whatever allegedly happened that caused this fury to morph into a full-on conflagration of hysteria occurred off-camera and that means it’s impossible for me to care since we’ll never really know the truth anyway and the self-appointed narrators of this “truth” are looking more unhinged as the days go by. Thankfully, Kim Richards will appear onscreen tonight. Her presence might cause Lisa Rinna to at least seem momentarily sane in comparison because right now she’s coming off as a total basket case who can only communicate by blurting out buzzwords like “scapegoat,” “threw me under the bus,” and “she made me say it.” I tell you, Lisa Rinna was more appealing back when she was shilling Depends.

I had a ridiculous fantasy that the final episode of this season would involve all the Housewives sitting alone in their own homes, contemplating why they are on this show in the first place and coming to the conclusion that they steadfastly refuse to enter a room filled with their enemies ever again. I’m devastated to report that this fantasy – much like the one where I’m married to Brad Pitt and we live in a castle that looks exactly like the Fisher Price castle I used to have when I was four – does not come true. Instead, we begin tonight back in the United States at the f*cking house Kyle stole from her deranged sister or, more accurately, at the new home in Palm Springs Kyle bought using the f*cking money she allegedly stole from her deranged sister. She’s there to get ready for yet another party where the guests will plot to destroy one another because that’s how season finale episodes go on this franchise.

Over at Lisa Vanderpump’s perfect home, puppies frolic in the idyllic sunshine while, at Eileen’s house, there is nothing but heavy furniture and a cloak of darkness. We cut from there to Erika visiting Yolanda at her condo to tell her all about the trip and then we arrive over at Kathryn’s home to get her perspective about Dubai. Yes, it seems we are being treated to what I think of as a “montage of filler,” designed simply to reacclimate us to the fact that the women are now back on American soil even though not a single thing has changed since they bid adieu the golden gaudiness of the desert.

As for Lisa Rinna, she meets her manager for lunch. Just like doctors who appear on camera on this show, I’m immediately suspicious of managers who think it’s a good idea to talk career strategy while mic’d. And what, pray tell, is Lisa Rinna’s newest career path? She’s gonna have a talk show! Those always last – just ask Katie Couric and Kris Jenner.

At Yolanda’s, Erika explains the madness that went down in Dubai. No, Erika tells her – the argument is no longer about whether Yolanda suffers from Munchausen. Now the issue is who said she had it, even though nobody believes she’s even got it anymore. Um, the person who said it was Lisa Rinna and I could give two sh*ts if she’s going to insist Lisa Vanderpump tossed some sage around during a complicated manipulation spell she practiced during a full moon that resulted in the words seeping out of Lisa Rinna’s mouth. Seriously – give me a f*cking break. Lisa Rinna’s lips were made for talking, right? That’s just what they’ll do! And this time those lips beckoned her into emotional quicksand that she can’t pull her way out of, not even by using a pleather belt from her own QVC line. Erika, though, would like Yolanda to know that maybe Lisa Vanderpump put Lisa Rinna up to saying such a thing and the more I hear this convoluted story, the more insane it sounds.

Now it’s time to plan a party because everyone’s in such a happy place. Kyle would like us to know that she’s so not about trying to impress anyone. That’s why she’s making them all trek out to her mansion in the desert where a Fatburger truck will undoubtedly be parked near the veranda. Most of her very fortunate guests are staying at some local hotel and they will arrive when the sun goes down. Right before they get there, though, Kyle makes sure to tell her good friend Faye and a few others all about the conflicts in Dubai. After all, a good hostess must do all she can to spread the latest gossip so every person who waltzes reluctantly through her front door will immediately feel as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

“Does Lisa Rinna know that Kim’s coming?” asks one of Kyle’s random friends. And the answer to that little question is no, Lisa Rinna does not know that her other arch enemy will be reaching for a tuna tartar bite at the same moment as she tries to snag it so she can smell it and then put it down before a single calorie makes its way into her system. Now here’s the thing: I think Lisa Rinna has mildly lost her mind, but I also think she had every right to call Kim out last season. It was not Lisa who ruined Kim’s life by declaring her an addict; it was Kim being an addict (on television) that caused her to ruin her own life, and I think it’s important that nobody forgets that. Just watching Kim walk into Kyle’s house makes me feel like what I’m guessing morning sickness feels like when you’re pregnant with triplets who already have a lot of hair while still in the womb. It’s like seeing a ghost you want to kick the sh*t out of and then muzzle before dragging her anywhere the cameras won’t go – or at least that’s my reaction. Really: I’d rather stare at a close-up of the clown from It than ever see or hear Kim Richards again.

But here she comes and she and her sister hug like they enjoy one another and then she cuddles with Mauricio too in an attempt to prove that she doesn’t resent the f*ck out of her sister’s happiness. Erika and Yolanda arrive next and Erika compliments Kim’s performance in her Witch Mountain movie and Kim looks very proud. Lisa Rinna, Kathryn, and Eileen wander in then and Yolanda, stuck on a couch with Kim, giggles and says that she can’t wait for Lisa Rinna to see Kim and react like she’s seeing f*cking Bloody Mary in the mirror during a slumber party gone savage. Well, she doesn’t say the Bloody Mary part but that’s the subtext I read and this is my recap so I’m just going to pretend all of my observations are absolutely correct.

The second Lisa Rinna comes in, she drags Yolanda away so the two can have a chat. She desperately needs to inform her that the latest incidents she’s had with Lisa Vanderpump have rocked her world and she wants Yolanda to know that she knows now that Yolanda’s way less manipulative than that British bitch. She was just pushed over the edge, see? It was that damn photo of Yolanda snuggling with Kim and Brandi that did it! Anyway, she’s so sorry about saying anything negative about Yolanda, but she should know that the conversation about whether or not Yolanda was really sick started long ago. And who started it? Why, it was Lisa Vanderpump! She showed Lisa Rinna some Instagram photos of Yolanda and “pushed” Lisa in that direction of making her doubt Yolanda. F*ck being on The Real Housewives! If Lisa Vanderpump is indeed this powerful, she should become the dictator of some nation. Who’s running Kazakhstan these days?

Into this mess walks Lisa Vanderpump and she’s greeted like she’s covered in herpes blisters that have just begun to leak yellow pus. We’ll get back to her in a moment, but for now let’s stay on Yolanda and Lisa Rinna so we can focus on watching Lisa beg a woman she doesn’t even care for all that much for forgiveness. But Yolanda’s not about to assuage Lisa of her heavy load of self-inflicted guilt. She doesn’t have the energy to even care about this bullshit, or at least that’s what she says in the moment. And while she all but dismisses Lisa’s desperate apologies, Lisa can’t help but wonder why she always seems to find herself in a ditch she dug herself with a shovel carved entirely out of petrified horsesh*t.

Erika and her hair and Eileen come over next, followed closely by Kathryn and Kyle. It’s all a bit too much for Yolanda. She decides to hightail it to the bar to get herself some lemony drink before pulling Lisa Vanderpump aside. Apparently, now Yolanda does care about who said what to whom first and Lisa very simply answers that she doesn’t understand any of it. Is she lying? We’ll never know – but for me, Lisa Vanderpump has behaved pretty impressively over many seasons of this show and she’s therefore racked up enough equity in my mind to keep me firmly on her side. She vehemently denies starting the conversation about the Munchausen and Lisa Rinna walks by them and mutters meanly that Ms. Vanderpump is just trying to save her ass right now. Then she stares like a deranged person as Kyle sits beside Lisa Vanderpump and Yolanda and also insists that Lisa Vanderpump never said a single word about Yolanda lying about being sick.

How does Yolanda feel about the situation? She feels sh*tty and uncomfortable – and that’s before Faye Resnick comes over to tell her she looks beautiful. I wish someone would toss that assh*le in the fire pit next to the swimming pool.

As for Erika, she’s grossed out that Kathryn seems to be under Lisa Vanderpump’s spell, too. I’m telling you, Vanderpump should bottle that spell and then set up a folding table next to the concession stand and sell it at a huge markup the next time Erika Jayne performs at Pervert Night because apparently that sh*t is potent and I hear some states have recently started outlawing poppers.

Leave a Reply