Anyway, Yolanda claims that she does not care who said what. She does not care who brought up “Munchausen” first. All Yolanda cares about is how terrible it is to sit in a Lyme Clinic with people who cannot afford to be there and the way she can barely wrap her head around such a thing as she flies home to her mansion on her private plane while Instagramming shots of her without makeup to the world so we all know she’s suffering. And at that, the women gather around her. Lisa Rinna even kneels down to show her support! But f*ck this conditional support, fumes Eileen. She is not getting off the f*cking couch! She will not sit beside Lisa Vanderpump, the person who started every bit of the crisis here – and probably the crisis in the Middle East, too. She will stay exactly where she is and whisper loudly enough that the editors will have to give her subtitles and she will wait until next season if she must to watch Ms. Vanderpump be burned at the stake.
And now that we’ve started off oh so lightly, it’s time to jump further in to the muck by bringing out Kim Richards! She’s sitting beside Kyle and her massive cleavage and her voice shakes at just the word “Hi,” and she discusses how sad the loss of her ex-husband has been and then the montage begins that highlights the difficult relationship Kim and Kyle share. Yes, there’s footage of Kyle mourning the loss of their terrible bond and some footage of Lisa Rinna highlighting Kim’s latest travesties. Kim watches the clip with a haughty look on her face because she feels the power of the lights on her now and she will take that Rinna woman down. As Kyle watches the montage, she looks so tense that I’m genuinely afraid for her and it’s right about now that I’m going to loudly declare that both Kim and Kyle deserve to be this uncomfortable at exactly this moment. They have brought these problems upon themselves by airing them to the world and continuing the damaging charade. Insist on going on TV to share your story? Fine – but deal with the consequences, including the one that is me turning the words, “Kim Richards is the f*cking devil” into a song with an accompanying dance. The footage finally ends so the two sisters can weep and declare their love for one another while my eyes are dry as can be because I cannot stand either one of them.
As to where Kim stands in her recovery, well, she’s choosing to keep that to herself because she’ll go ahead and try anything once. And we’ll get back to Kim so she can go ahead and use some recovery vernacular so we’ll all believe that she’ll be sober forever in just a second, but first we should turn our attention to Kathryn. The woman is bawling on the sofa opposite Kim’s. That montage just made her so emotional! Throwing kisses to the blonde monster across from her – the one who has brought all of her misery upon herself – seems to make Kathryn feel better, though. Plus, we get to confirm that Kim knows how to blow kisses! At any rate, Kyle insists that she has always loved Kim and the two of them cry and talk about how hard all of this has been on the family and it is seriously infuriating me that nobody in that room – not even the head of craft services – screams out, “Stop sharing your problems on television!”
“Your judgment of her was so strong,” Yolanda huffs to Lisa Rinna about the way Lisa reacted to the news that Kim had been arrested for shoplifting and kicking a cop and being wasted in public. Was that judgment? Then I’m just as guilty and I have no remorse about any of it. See, here Kim sits, choking out how badly her feelings were hurt when people commented on her public behavior and taking almost no responsibility for orchestrating that behavior herself and the flinging it into a world who now knows who she is because she has insisted on appearing on reality television because she has no other viable skills and no desire to learn any. I do not feel the least bit sorry for Kim. I hope she stays clean so her children can maybe know what it’s like to have a viable parent, but I do not care about Kim Richards in the slightest. I am sick of her deflection of the truth and the way she waves away responsibility and I hope she never appears on television again. I also wouldn’t mind if she takes her brunette sister with her when she finally leaves so they can ride home together and talk about how unfair it is for people to say things about Kim and Faye Resnick and all of the dear people who appear on this show not for attention and monetary compensation, but because they are f*cking angels.
There’s more I could probably say about Kim – like how awesome it is when she tells the woman she once called A Beast that she really likes her – but my stepfather is still in a rehabilitation hospital for his back and my puppy is still searching the rooms of my house for a guy she has a crush on who was here this weekend and Prince just died, so I really don’t have the patience to recount the same old tired bullsh*t spewed by the same old tired lady who I have no faith will ever fully get and stay clean. It’s actually a far better use of my time to concentrate on how Andy tells Lisa Rinna that she’s behaving like Marco Rubio and the way Lisa laughs and protests in such a way that the thing that’s made the most clear is that she just got fillers pumped into her face because nothing moves when she laughs.
Kim finally leaves to the anemic applause of women on those couches who either don’t know her or still hate her and Andy starts the new segment by asking Kathryn how her hearing aids are working. They’re great, she exclaims, even though she accidentally left them in San Diego. She swears she can hear everything, though I’m wondering if her partial deafness is maybe what led to her deciding that she really loves Kim Richards. In any case, now it’s time for the Party Montage to go down so we can all gape at the allegedly fabulous events they all attended and then ruined by fighting about nothing and the way none of them can agree on what an actual barbeque entails. Kyle thinks a barbeque should be a catered event where she gets to cover herself up in a fancy maxi-dress. Erika thinks a barbeque should include ribs and shirtless men pirouetting in the swimming pool for her pleasure. Lisa Rinna, though, knows that a barbeque is a casual event and she’s announcing right now that she will be throwing one next year! Is this the point where everyone else should maybe look around at one another and murmur, “We all hate each other! We’ve spent the last year trying to ruin lives and reputations! Why on earth would we now attend a barbecue at her house?” Alas, nobody says such a thing, but at least we get to hear Eileen mull over which one of them looked the most like a hooker at the burlesque party.
Speaking of Eileen, it’s time for the woman to talk about what she has yet to shut up about: the way Lisa Vanderpump – that manipulative terror! – used the word “affair” to describe the way her marriage to Vince started. Before we get into it (again), let’s just acknowledge that, though these two have been married for a good long time, the relationship did begin as an affair and Lisa Vanderpump has apologized for saying the word and asking those questions. Just because Eileen did not care for the tenor of the apology does not mean one was not offered. And on that note of logic, let’s see if anything new comes out when it comes to this same tired fight…
Yeah, nothing new is revealed, except that Eileen is now furious and feels vindicated that Lisa’s apology was never sincere. Lady? Move the f*ck on. Stop attempting to follow the imaginary line from condescension to manipulation that you’re certain exists and instead focus your considerable energy on monitoring your soap fortune that’s undoubtedly being gambled away even as we speak.
Another thing that should maybe be stopped is the way everyone wants Lisa Vanderpump to break down emotionally and share her deepest darkest thoughts with the universe – or with anyone who gets Bravo. Do all of these people not realize that the reason she is a bonafide reality queen is because she manages to get on these shows and show off a ton of personality without stripping herself bare for people she will never know? Are we actually being asked to believe there’s something wrong with the fact that Lisa does not choose to loudly declare that she too is a survivor of an abusive relationship? It’s one thing when Kim says she doesn’t want to talk about stuff after she’s appeared on camera slurring her words and whispering, “F*ck you” to one of her co-workers in the backseat of a limo on her way to a Housewives’ related event. It’s quite another thing that Lisa Vanderpump feels no need to share the most vulnerable nuggets of her life with a viewing audience – and that these women refuse to understand that is grosser than the hybrid creature that has Brandi Glanville’s lips, Kim Richard’s voice, and Yolanda’s aluminum hive that continues to invade my delicate dreams.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.