Of course, the other form of punishment Andy could be asked to endure would be to take a voyage with the Housewives he employs. The vacation montage looks like such fun! Camel meat! Luxury tour buses! Aquariums in bedrooms! Who cares that they fought on deserts and on jets and in San Diego? All I’m actually concerned with here is that we are seriously being asked again to care about fights that I still can’t even fully explain, like the one that centers around Lisa Vanderpump apparently offering Kyle up to Lisa Rinna so Rinna could expose and destroy her and then use Kyle’s leftover hair to make some of the wigs Rinna supposedly wears. I don’t think I have the strength to go into this bullsh*t again. Suffice it to say, I now think the entire battle is actually about semantics and people hearing the wrong word in a sentence being emphasized. I’m not entirely sure, but I think the problem formed in the first place because one person thought she heard, “I thought you were going to bring Kyle into it!” while the other person in the conversation only meant to say, “I thought you were going to bring Kyle into it!” I feel like I’m watching that Seinfeld episode, the one where Jerry is not sure he’s been invited to Tim Whatley’s Thanksgiving Eve party so he has his friends inquire about his status and the whole thing seems to hinge on whether or not Tim Whatley responds, “Why would Jerry bring anything?” rather than, “Why would Jerry bring anything.” The only difference here is that the Seinfeld thing was funny and this appears to be the way grownups are choosing to behave for real. In any case, Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle are still tight even though the rest of them think that Vanderpump controls Kyle completely. As far as Kyle sees it, she loves Lisa and she knows that Lisa loves her. And the friendship that once existed between The Two Fighting Lisas? That sh*t is over.
By the way, Yolanda thinks it’s entirely f*cked up that Lisa and Kyle giggled over the photo Yolanda posted to the world on Instagram, the one where she appeared to be residing in a toaster oven made entirely out of aluminum. “I’m glad you thought that was funny,” huffs the sick one. And then she again gives absolutely no context for what that f*cking structure was or why she crawled inside of it or how it came to pass that she smiled for the camera and then shared it with the world. Yes, Kyle and Lisa are such bitches.
Oh good! It’s time for Lisa Rinna to pull out her phone and read off the litany of insults she typed into her Notes app of all the terrible things Ken called her while she was innocently attempting to slay his wife! Can any of us not appreciate the idea of the person we love calling our enemy “a wanker”? I like Ken more after his verbal tirade! I might stand alone here, though. Yolanda thinks Ken is a monster who gets involved needlessly while his wife is being viciously insulted in his presence. He should just shut his mouth and go play piano while everyone is forced into a conga line like her amazing ex-husband used to insist upon. Those were the better days…
Let’s change the subject! Hey, Lisa Rinna? Are you easily manipulated? Because you sort of take on any dominant opinion that dangles in front of you like links of salami probably dangle in your hunger dreams. What do you think? “I don’t know,” answers Lisa meekly. I’m pretty sure she’s just waiting for Eileen to give her the hand signal so she can know how to feel. Lisa? Check out my hand. I’ll tell you exactly how to feel right now.
Back to the action: Andy asks Lisa Vanderpump if there’s anyone to whom she’d like to apologize. Might she want to offer some bland regrets to the person who shook phone records in her face? How about saying sorry to the one whose husband compared her to a scary reptile? Truth: I almost bounded towards my television screen and gave it a kiss with a ton of tongue when her response to Andy’s question was a very simple, “No.”
Long live the f*cking Queen.
Since they’re all currently at their lowest, Andy thinks it might be a good time to wrap up this interminable season. He calls the footage “memorable” and then goes ahead and compliments them on their dignity. (The guy is no doubt getting a f*cking raise for pulling all this off with an almost straight face.) What are their final thoughts? Well, Kyle is walking away from this season knowing more about Lyme disease (and Munchausen’s) and realizing she shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. She also knows deep down that Faye Resnick is a toilet monster, but she’ll never admit it. Yolanda is prepared to keep going down her road to wellness. I am utterly positive that she will whip out a compass and use it to find a new rich husband as she hitchhikes down that road. Lisa Rinna has no regrets for yammering away like a lunatic and making zero sense in the process. I feel like I have to say something here. Listen: I don’t know Lisa Vanderpump. She and I are not related. I will be receiving none of her fortune. She probably won’t even bequeath me a swan! There’s absolutely no reason why I should have such loyalty to this stranger other than the fact that the crimes leveled against her strike me as ridiculous and that’s quite possibly because they’re continually being stated in a hysterical fashion of circular logic that’s moving counterclockwise. Not making sense is the thing Lisa Rinna should learn to own. Eileen thinks being on the Housewives is so much crazier than being on a soap. Kathryn and Erika both had a ball this season because it’s awesome to get yelled at over meals. And Lisa Vanderpump? She wishes she’d been more supportive of Yolanda – and that’s pretty much all she’s got to say. Not to worry; she’ll be back next year to finish all of her thoughts and to get revenge.
Thank you so much for joining me this season. I think we’ve all walked away better people, don’t you? At the very least, this show has been rather edifying. I mean, I feel like I could offer a class about Munchausen’s at this point! And if Eileen tells her to, maybe Lisa Rinna will show up to be a guest speaker.
I’ll be back on Reality Steve’s site to recap The Real Housewives of Orange County when it returns. If you need me in the interim, I’ll be very busy constructing a boxing ring made out of Yolanda’s stringy old implant so Bethenny can kick the sh*t out of Dorinda’s boyfriend in style because our New York Housewives are bringing way more than allegations about Munchausen’s to the table this season. Like in Jungleland, there are some real death waltzes going on over there – and I’ll start recapping them next week on nellkalter.com.
Readers, may you always have more lemons than you need in life and may you forever be so blessed that Faye Resnick will never smile at you serenely over dinner and tell you that you look beautiful. See you in the OC! And don’t forget to bring your medical records.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.