REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 9/5/11

Lisa, in her customary pink (it’s always pink or black with Lisa) is trying to get her dog, Giggy, to wee wee. Giggy does not need to wee wee, at least not in the fraction of a second Giggy was touching the ground. In anticipation of the inevitable RHOBH version of “why is the driveway always wet”, the reason that Giggy is always wearing clothes is because he has alopecia. Lots of hair where you see it, none where he’s got his sweater on, and he gets cold. I’m wondering if alopecia is somehow related to global warming because I’ve been encountering more and more of it lately. Last summer I met three people in a single week with alopecia which just seems like too many to be random.

Anyway, Lisa’s meeting her daughter, Pandora, who does have hair (lots and lots of it) at the salon so her daughter can get “tonged”. Sweet lord of the rings! Where I come from if you get your child tonged you can face prison time! Pandy’s tonging offers a convenient time for her hot boyfriend, Jason, to ask Mr. Lisa for permission to propose. Permission granted. Jason’s going to need to pick a more exotic moniker to keep up with the Vanderpumps. Perhaps….Cedric?

Kyle, meanwhile, is moving. Apparently they need more space now that Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail have been blessed with baby sister Portia. Kyle instructs her sssssssexy husband, Mauricio, not to throw out any of her crap in the garage. I’ve said exactly the same thing here at the Rancho. This is a real marriage.

At the start of last season Kyle was helping Kim move, and they got in a fight about it. Friends don’t help friends move, girls. Kim is still in the same house that looks like it’s located in South Dakota and would splinter into a million little bits in a twister. No fancy topiaries at this rental. Kim’s wearing a Flashdance shirt with holes all up and down the arms. She must shop at HomeGoods because I saw that “FAMILY” sign there last week. Or maybe she got it at Tamra Barney’s garage sale since the Barney FAMILY is no more.

Can we talk about Kyle’s hair for a minute? Of course we can. If you Google “Kyle Richards” the first search prompt that comes up is “Kyle Richards Hair”, so it’s obviously something people want to talk about. Kyle has beautiful hair, and so very much of it. I used to have hair like that, until photos from a date dash in college got developed. (Yes, that’s how old I am.) I was chatting with my friend Tak at the bar, perfectly upright, but my hair was passed out all over the bar and spilling down into the barback’s dirty water. Too much hair. At least it wasn’t all straggly on the end like a polygamist, but changes needed to be made. Kyle might want to think about it herself. At least a wee little trim. Better than more Restylane, methinks.

Now we are here in Xanadu Malibu. Camille really has an exquisite house, and I like the boots too. She’s bouncing along the grounds in her golf cart, shots fading in and out as she narrates the tour to her best friend, to whom she has been like Jesus, as though said best friend has never toured the grounds even though she lived with Camille for a while. Like how Jesus let the apostles shack up when times were tough. They are going to check out what the postman brought in the special delivery from Frasier’s territorial and pubescent new beard wife. “Past the barn, here’s the stable, here’s my horse Ghost, here’s Jude’s crib, and here are all my shoes wrapped in bubble wrap.” Frasier’s bill at the UPS Store must have been pretty hefty that month.