REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 9/5/11

Now we’re back at the Maloof-Nassifs. I am just going to call them the Oof-Ifs from now one if no one minds. Adrienne is having a dinner party for the ladies because Bravo said to Camille is guest-starring on Shit My Dad Says. Paul can’t believe it’s called shit. Well it is, it’s shit, and I’m pretty sure it’s cancelled so don’t worry about it. Bernie the chef, who may also be an enforcer, is proposing a simple menu of happy kids food so he doesn’t have to cook a separate meal for the little Oof-Ifs. I can’t blame him – it’s a pain to keep five different palates happy at dinnertime, let alone keeping any of the foods from touching. So they are going to have mac & cheese and Bernie’s already in a snit because Lisa Vandersmoothie’s not going to eat it. Bernie, after dinner you better check under Taylor’s chair because she’s not going to eat it, either. This is LA, man – nobody eats carbs in fat sauce.

Speaking of Taylor, she comes shrieking into Reiss to tell Kyle about having seen Evil Cedric on his bike outside (he wants his two dollars), and I swear I could hear her bones clanking. She’s afraid Lisa will be mad that she had a chance encounter with Cedric and that she gave him $2 to make him go away. Lisa makes her feel insecure, and Taylor feels she needs to “clear the air”. Oh boy. I love people who feel compelled to “clear the air”. It always goes so well.

We’re back at the Oof-Ifs and Adrienne is mad that Paul played golf that day and she couldn’t reach him for an hour. His goatee is lopsided and he didn’t help at all with the dinner party. Isn’t that what Bernie the Enforcer and the gingham-aproned housekeeper are for? Paul is mad at Adrienne for trying to make him use the decorative towel, the one with the tassles. He doesn’t like the tassles because they tickle his nose and make him sneeze. Adrienne has more tinsel in her hair even though I am pretty sure the kids with the Bieber Fever dropped tinsel in favor of feathers around May 2010. My husband laughs at her shoe cabinet, but I think it looks quite practical.

Adrienne is frustrated with Paul, especially because he keeps bellowing “ADRIENNE!” like Rocky Balboa instead of using the intercom. Maybe we should call them the OffIfOas. Or not. Paul is popping a $2200 bottle of Angel champagne, and Adrienne is very concerned that he’s going to hit her in the eye which is still healing from a trés hefty injection of Botox. Paul dismisses her concerns, but this is legit. Just ask my friend Kristy. Before our high school graduation party, she was just looking at a bottle of champagne, trying to figure out how to approach the cork harness deal (which is called an egrafe if you are Français like Pepe Le Peu) when the whole apparatus spontaneously exploded and smacked her right in the middle of the forehead. She did not sustain any significant brain injury, but did have to go to the party with a big black perfectly-circular bruise right between the eyes. Don’t play games, Paul. That shit will mess you up. I said shit! Cover thy ears!

The guests begin to arrive. Kyle lets herself in because the butler is apparently in the restroom. With Cedric. Everyone is in blue for some reason; Adrienne in particular looks like Vanna White tonight. Camille shows up in a very chic grey sheath and tasteful coat in a perfect shade of cream, almost an almond. Lovely. She really has exquisite taste, although I still don’t think I want to be friends with her and the fake psychic. Kim is wearing a toreador pantsuit covered in sparkly music notes or guitars, I can’t tell which. The other girls love it but I hate it. She is conspicuously NOT DRINKING. Lisa and Mr. Lisa stroll over from across the lane. She’s wearing black (it’s always pink or black with her), lots of cleavage, and shoes that look like they have bedazzled home-monitoring devices attached. Mr. Lisa’s jacket has a strange piping along the collar. He looks like a couch, with Steve Perry hair. Giggy’s ensemble rather matches Kim’s. Olé!