REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 9/5/11

After previewing Camille’s Shit while comfortably ensconced in red leather Lazy-Boys, the group reassembles in the gilded dining room. (Irony Alert: Camille appeared on the Shit Show. The reason she and Frasier gave for having their children via surrogate is because she suffers from irritable bowel syndrome. I’m telling you, the man is gay!) The flowers are lovely but far too reserved and natural for this space, and entirely too small for that table. But they do go nicely with the housekeeper’s gingham apron and set the tone for the mac & cheese. Adrienne is getting very mad at Paul for attempting to fire another champagne cork at her eye, and for being rude. Because bitching your husband out at the dinner table in front of guests isn’t rude in the least. She makes a toast and offers the group a branch from her late lamented olive tree, which Paul elects not to shove up her ass.

This leads nicely to a discussion of Taylor’s marital problems, since Russell isn’t there so they can gossip freely about him. They are in therapy. Lots and lots of therapy, talking about how and why Shana Hughes left Oklahoma behind for a bright, beautiful future as Taylor Ford Armstrong. (As an aside: I once met someone whose children were named Ford and Carter. I genuinely wonder if they knew.)

Mr. Lisa dismisses marital counseling with a sniff. “If your woman’s not happy, you have to make her happy.” I like that, Mr. Lisa. The Oof-Ifs believe in counseling because they had to go to pre-cana, as they are Catholics. Which explains why they use the same interior decorator as The Holy See. I wonder if their pre-cana involved six weeks of stern warnings about the dangers of masturbation, as my sister and brother-in-law received in their premarital counseling. No need to worry, sir.

Mr. Lisa thinks therapy is for The Weak. Taylor huddles in the bathroom with Kyle to share her astonishment that a man “carrying a dog in clothes around Beverly Hills” has the nerve to assign weakness to a person seeking to save his marriage with professional guidance. SHAZAM! That was a good one. I’m wondering if she’s had to hock her engagement ring, because she’s got a Ring Pop © on. Kyle leaves Taylor “by” the bathroom (is she in the bathroom? Near the bathroom? Passing the bathroom and aiming really, really well?) and returns to the Golden Dining Room to tell Mr. Lisa that he has offended Taylor. Mr. Lisa is offended that Kyle used the word offended. Kyle explains that the definition of “offend” is to hurt someone’s feelings, which Mr. Lisa disputes on the ground that “offend” relates to smells, as in “offensive smell” and neither he nor Giggy has broken wind. Lisa interrupts to point out that Mr. Lisa would never break wind in such a shiny dining room. Kyle gives up.

We now have our obligatory “that’s funny” 30-second mid-commercial anecdote, in which Mr. Lisa holds his $550 goblet for Giggy to slurp up some water, then drinks from it himself. Giggy looks like a gremlin, and Mr. Lisa has Journey hair. I think he tongs it.

We’re back from commercial (during which I think I saw Cedric visiting with Rachel Zoe, who premieres tomorrow. Is he in fashion? Does she also owe him $2?) and wrapping things up. Lisa checks her Crackberry at the table in the middle of dessert and they leave, which is the very height of rudeness even in Old Britannia. But ta ta and cheerio, old chaps. Previews begin and this season looks like the wheels are coming off with or without Mr. Armstrong. I’ll be here for it, and for you. Thanks to Steve for giving me a chance to share! Time to take our naked pugs out for a wee-wee.

Elizabeth