But seriously, Adrienne’s very worried about what’s going to happen when she’s gone for all these two days. As a mother myself I get it. As I often say, my husband is a wonderful husband and father, but he is a terrible mother and even worse wife. Two days is plenty enough time for the lunatics to take over the asylum permanently. But the least of my concerns is my husband’s driving habits, in no small part because I know full well that left alone with three young boys he’s highly unlikely to actually leave the house at all. And really, don’t they have people? Dr. Paul gets frustrated and has to leave the room because his hands are coated in saliva. Adrienne says WOW, and so do I. Don’t even want to know. I’m really impressed with the childproofing on the staircase. Obviously Mary Amons has been at work here.
After much this and that about luggage and ground transport, the BH 9ers are airborne via Frontier, LAX to DIA. Kim either drank four espressos or smoked some crank, or both, because she’s about ready to blast ahead with her jetpack. Kyle practices her Kabbalah. It’s obviously working quite well because she didn’t need a Valium for this flight. Lisa appears to have taken it for her and tunes out the kindergarteners. My kindergartener is learning about Japan and today had a “Japan human” come and teach them origami. The Real Kindergarteners of BH, Kim and Adrienne, ditch the folded paper swans in favor of punching the buns of steel belonging to a big fat dude. The flight crew really needs to take charge of this or next thing you know Kim and Martin from the first row are going to be spending waaaaay too long in the bathroom and the F16s will have to be scrambled. That’s what happens on the class trip to DC, every time.
Why are the 9ers flying coach on a budget airline to DIA, rather than private, or at least direct, to Eagle? Strictly to entrap them in an extendo-Suburban and elicit Deep Thoughts from Kite-High Kim as she “opens up” stretched across the back seat. Please don’t open up, Kim. Just don’t. Kyle asks Lisa if Mr. Lisa was offended that she used the word offended. Here we go again… Lisa takes a page from the Alex McCord playbook and tells Kyle that if she needs to talk about it she should talk to Mr. Lisa himself. If Mr. Lisa shows up for lunch with Kyle in red leather pants and a mandress I am so high-fiving him.
After Camille gives her assistant another narrated tour of a property the assistant probably cleaned herself with a toothbrush, the straggling 9ers leap from the confines of the supercab limo and can’t wait to see the ChatCam. They are one guest room short, so the Richards sisters are going to share the flyfishing room. As predicted, Lisa takes the Vanderfabulous second master suite. The gals clean up, then head out to pick up some men. Camille, who is wearing legwarmers on her arms, isn’t sure she’s ready for the boots, but Kim reminds her that she’s finally shed a large smelly hairy barnacled gay man from her shoulders and she should let it rip. Camille informs the ladies that not only was Frasier covered in barnacles, but she, Camille, had to manscape his nether regions with a hedge trimmer. BZZZZZZZZ. In her ITM (thanks, Steve!) Kyle says out loud that Camille is now more confident. Oh shit, here we go again. They share a charcuterie platter and dinner passes surprisingly uneventfully.
Or so it seems, because Kim wakes up dying. She has bronchitis and a hangover, but after some pancakes (made by Lisa, who teaches Adrienne how to crack an egg) she perks up. The ladies are all in their jammies – the Richards sisters even have matching cheetah prints – rrrrrrrr! – and Lisa is wearing a curiously large pair of fuzzy booties with her negligee and pink housecoat. Adrienne, however, is fully clothed, fully made up, and freshly tinseled. Two ski concierges arrive to fit the gals for boots and gear, then they head off to the slopes with a staff of black-clad commandos to carry their shorty skis. After the Creaky Beavers take one excessively competitive run, they are poot and need cookies.
While the other gals sleep it off, Kyle and Taylor slip out to the hut tub, right on, to relax and Open Up. Taylor confesses she is afraid of being alone. Her therapist has told her that she will need a year to let go of her anger and resentment. Kyle asks why she is angry. Taylor says it’s because she has never spoken up about what sort of food she wants to not eat. Not once in six years. They have never been “there” (wherever “there” is), but she loves him. She’s being cagey and hinty, but her bulging circulatory system and pokey bones tell the true story. We must stay tuned until next week, when Taylor will try to zip herself into a suitcase and Kim speaks in tongues. Until then…
Elizabeth
Love!
Not only have you now recapped another favorite of mine – TS:JD, but you did so in my honor! I seriously am developing quite the girl crush on you!
Loved this blog, by the way. YOU funny, man!
Hi Elizabeth,
Really enjoying yur BH recaps. One small correction concerning the German Shepherd. That’s not the one Paul gave Adrienne last year. They already had this one. They had to find anothern home for the gift dog because of the children. Had something to do with the dog and boys not being compatible o something similar.
Keep up the good work.
Hello, I’ve enjoyed your recaps of the RHOBH, I have to say the only RH show I do watch, it’s more entertaining, I like the women more and Giggy, well he’s just so adorable, but yes, I keep thinking, does that dog ever get to walk? and I love my dog but to have him sit at the table while you eat? I have to draw the line and it’s having a dog at the dinner table.
Entertaining recap funny and just a little snarky which I love.
I recall seeing Villa Bianca in an episode of either Millionaire Matchmaker with Patti Stanger (also a Bravo show) or it was Million Dollar Listing. What I do remember is that Mauricio was on Million Dollar Listing doing a deal with Josh Altman. I’m just waiting for one of the girls to have Jeff Lewis redesign their house, talk about cross overs.
Can’t wait for the next recap, great job.