Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770
Welcome back! Before we get into the recap, let’s take a moment to ponder a few bits of Real Housewives news over the past week:
* First, Michaele Salahi ran away from home and has taken up with a guitarist from Journey. Supposedly they have wild sex, which is a revolting thought. The guitarist, who just got married two months ago to a Playboy playmate, let Tareq know he had stolen his woman by texting Tareq a photo of his penis. All the dramatics were too much for the Salahi’s dog, who died. I am not making any of this up. Good luck, Journey Man. Enjoy Tareq the Train Wreck’s leftovers.
* Second, Bravo has broken up with RH’s of NY Jill, Kelly, and Alex. Oh, and the Cookie Waxer, who I am sure is sitting there with her mouth hanging open over the whole thing. Jill and Kelly were just plain tedious, and Mr. Andy definitely has a history of eliminating the Wives he finds to be more trouble than they are worth. I’m a fan of Alex, as we know, and think it’s unfortunate that the only “real” person with a grip on rationality has been jettisoned, but she’s just not giving out enough good TV, I guess. The bottom line is that there seem to be a lot of headaches and scraps happening off camera that are (a) annoying, and (b) bleeding into the show in interactions that make no contextual sense. There are plenty of replacement Wives out there so Andy’s getting new ones.
* Third, Diane Dimond wrote an interesting expose of Taylor Armstrong’s alleged involvement in Russell’s financial activities for the Daily Beast. Diane Dimond is a bit of an investigative reporter on all things entertainment, and is clearly intrigued by the Housewives because she wrote the sort-of-pro-Salahi book about their White House party crashing a few years ago. Suffice it to say that whatever Russell was up to, according to this article partnering up with Taylor seems to have tipped the scales. If all this is true, I can’t help but wonder if we’re not going to find ourselves watching Real Housewife of Cellblock Six someday.
On with the show….
High on the hill with a lonely goat, Lisa is matching her lipgloss to her pink plaid flannel. How very Cabela of you, Lisa. Lisa informs us, the viewers, that she’s concerned because Kyle and Taylor have been in the hot hot hot tub all afternoon and Taylor’s consumed at least a bottle of wine. Lawdy, it’s not even dark yet. Meanwhile, the chefs are in the kitchen roasting artichokes and chopping prosciutto, which Taylor most certainly will NOT eat. This looks ominous.
Next thing we know, Taylor’s hopped into bed with Kim all wet and half naked, and thankfully Kim was quick enough to throw a robe over Taylor’s naughty bits before she got poked in the eye with something sharp. Taylor wants to make up and commiserate. She’s come from nothing and she’s scared of going back to nothing, and she thinks Kim is the only one who can understand. Gee, thanks, wet drunk in my bed, thinks Kim. Nonetheless Kimmy is uncharacteristically reasonable, and Kyle points out how nice it is to see Kim mothering Taylor. Taylor then says, “I was such an asshole,” to which Kim replies, “Yeah, I know.” ZAP!
Dinner’s in ten minutes, and where are the girls? It’s Morocco all over again! Kimmy’s in the bathroom and Taylor’s trying to zip herself into Kyle’s suitcase because she wants to play hide and seek. All of a sudden she flips from silly to Oklahoma when she can’t find her makeup bag. Someone stole it!! She’s yellin’ and cussin’ and havin’ a plain ole fit about it in the nursery. Lawdy! Finally Kyle returns the makeup she stole, Taylor returns to just plain weepy, and the ladies try to cheer her up by festooning her with some sparkle like the third member of Destiny’s Child. Finally they toss her in the wheelbarrow and cart her bony ass up to dinner.
Adrienne thinks Taylor is having a nervous breakdown and tells her so. Girl, don’t tell a drunk they are crazy. Kyle tries to distract Taylor with carbs, lipgloss, and Coke (the beverage, not the narcotic). Taylor’s head spins like Sybil and she flatly declares, “I don’t eat”. But she is attracted to shiny objects so the lipgloss gets her to the dinner table where there are other sparkly things like forks and such.
Adrienne still thinks Taylor is having a nervous breakdown. I wonder if that mole on Adrienne’s cheek is actually one of those tear tattoos you see on gangstas. Taylor says no, she isn’t having a nervous breakdown, she’s just upset she has to sleep in the nursery rather than the Vanderfabulous Second Master. The big pouty mule lip comes out. When I was a kid and gave the mule lip, my mother would tell me I better watch it or a bird was going to land on it and poop in my mouth. Taylor’s going to have a flamingo perched on hers at the rate she’s going. Adrienne tells Taylor her problem is that she’s lonely and is afraid to leave because she’s afraid to be alone. Kyle suddenly looks extremely haggard and about to pass out. Carrot ginger soup, anyone? Yes please!
The reason Mauricio is upset at Kim is her house was in his name. Kyle put her foot down and said he couldn’t keep paying Kim’s mortgage like a second wife. House was sold.
Hi. I really dont want to be rude, but your writing is really hard to follow. As a reader of Steve for years I like the way he writes and enjoy his column weekly. I just find that your too wordy, and just not a good read. Sorry, but I don’t think this is your calling. Please dont take it the wrong way, but it has to be said, I can’t read your columns because well they aren’t well written. Good try though!
I agree with brady6, I don’t care for the writing style in this column – but I want RS to continue having someone recap it, the show is rich (no pun intended) with material to roast them with…
I have no idea what those ladies are talking about and i hibk it’s pretty rude and ignorant to tell soneone to write like someone else. Maybe they don’t get you’re humor… I found your 1st ROBH recap hilarious. If anything I wish this 2nd recap was longer. You’re writing reminds me of television without pity recaps- keep up the good work!
I am new to the site and I have to agree with brady6. The writing is very wordy with a minute by minute account instead of a recap. I did enjoy the beginning with a short review of what is happening with other housewives.
brady6, addicted2rs, realitytvaddict: What is wrong with you people??? I was an English major in college, have my Master’s degree, and was an English teacher for 8 years before having a family and now working at home as a writer and artist, and I think Elizabeth’s column is PERFECT! I like that she recaps everything concisely and to the point and yet is able to throw in some hilarious short comments, too. Her spelling, punctuation, and grammar is flawless, and her vocabulary is varied enough to make it interesting, without being too difficult for the audience that watches RHBH and would read this column. I also like that her column is short. I love reality Steve’s writing and spoilers, but it’s pretty apparent that he was not an English major and writing was not his job before as his columns are full of errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar. I never knock him for it b/c he’s stated on many occasions that he doesn’t care about those things, and I just enjoy hearing his “voice” through his writing. Elizabeth here, though, is a true writer who also has her own writing “voice”, and I think she has indeed found her calling! Also, if you click on her links, writing is what she does for a living.
Elizabeth-
I love your column! I really love how you gave the news at the beginning- particularly the news about the Salahi’s- and I love how you stated “I’m not making this up”. It does seem so ridiculous to even think it could be true!
Also, I agree with you that Mauricio is sexy. Kyle is very fortunate, and to her credit, I think she knows it. I love how your recap is states your views in a witty way, and yet they reflect so much of what I (and probably many others) are thinking. For example: Mauricio being sexy, Taylor calming down for lip gloss and all things shiny, and Adrienne getting upset that Sacramento won’t build a new state-of-the-art stadium for her basketball team. She obviously doesn’t live in the “real world” and realize that there’s a MAJOR recession going on in this country and most people, businesses, towns, cities, heck- even our own COUNTRY- don’t have a lot of money right now.
Anyway, I was wondering how anyone could write a funny recap on this week’s show considering how utterly DEPRESSING this week’s show was, but somehow you managed to do it. The whole show I kept feeling so terrible for Taylor since we all know what ends up happening after all of this was filmed. Very sad. Please ignore some of the detractors of your column, and keep writing. This si what you are meant to do in life!