REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 9/26/11

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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Greetings! It’s a new week in 90210, and thank Andy we have a new housewife because things were getting really quite bleak. This silly show is supposed to be escapist, but so far it’s a Lifetime TV movie. (In fact, when the inevitable Lifetime TV movie is made, may I suggest the part of Taylor Armstrong be played by…..LeAnn Rimes!) Before we get to that, a bit of news about the Housewives of Elsewhere…

As you know, three of the mainstays and one hanger-on have gotten the boot from RHONY. Rumors are flying that Ramona was the mastermind behind the big switch, and has brought in several of her friends to be considered by Mr. Andy as replacements. E! Online has reported that three women are on board (or soon to be) for next season, which starts taping tout de suite:

· Aviva Drescher is married to an investment banker and is an actual housewife, raising children and philanthropizing and managing staff to handle the housewifery. No word yet on whether she is related to The Nanny, but if so that might make for an amusing guest appearance.
· Heather Thompson is a mother of two and the founder of Yummie Tummie, a shapewear company. (Another one? Creating a competitor for Spanx is like creating a competitor for Kleenex – fighting ubiquity seems like herding turtles to me. But if controlling motion is her passion who am I to judge. Certainly seems to be a high priority in NYC.)
· Carole Radziwill is the most curious possible housewife, to my mind. Carole is the widow of Anthony Radziwill, nephew of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and best friend to JFK, Jr., at whose wedding he served as best man. FULL STOP. That’s right – she was one of the what, 30 people at the Cumberland Island chapel wedding that was the US version of the Royal Wedding and completely NOT Kardashian in any way. Her husband died the same summer as the plane crash, and she wrote a personal and thoughtful memoir about the two couples’ relationship and her odd role as the only one left called “What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship, and Love” (qualitative assessment mine, as I did in fact read the book). She is a former ABC News producer, and the Klassy Kountess may wish to observe that her late father-in-law, Stanislaus Radziwill, was an actual Polish prince and not a dubiously-titled Kount. Given all that, I really cannot imagine what would possibly possess an accomplished, seemingly gracious woman to sign up for this sort of shiitake, but I guess we may find out.

In other news, Camille’s got a new boyfriend, a Greek bankruptcy attorney (uh-oh); the Salahis continue to overshare details of their tawdry split with the media; and Bethenny has a new Skinnygirl flavor: white cranberry cosmo! Cheers! Oh, and Jill claims to be relieved she’s off RHONY which is a bunch of hoo-ha. As my seven-year-old son would say, “are you pulling my finger?” On with the show…

We find ourselves on the tarmac somewhere in the LA area, courtesy of ApolloJets, whose signage remains prominent throughout this segment. The Oof-Ifs and their trusty sidekick, Johnnie, have been sippin’ Bloody Marys and waiting for Kim. For once Adrienne is tinsel-free, but has inexplicably chosen to wear a snakeskin print blouse with shoulder cutouts and some skillet-size rhinestone danglers. She may be a gaming-and-entertainment mogul, but the girl knows a bargain at Forever 21 when she sees it.

When Kim finally rolls up some 15 minutes later, and leaps onto the plane because she’s hear to help! Kim’s a little slurry and has some wacky tale about the power going out on the whole block, twice, yet she was able to make her way through the darkness and hidden hazards to her previously-unmet neighbors’ home and use their blow dryer. I thought the power was out for the whole block? Or could she possibly…..have forgotten to pay her electric bill? Oops! Kimmy demonstrates the size of Lisa’s fur chapeau as well as her deep ski tuck before moving onto a re-enactment of Taylor’s efforts to jean jam her clad only in bra and thong. Dr. Paul watches the show prostrate in the rear, twiddling a very long straw in his mouth. I can’t tell if he’s impressed or not.

As the Oof-Ifs and Kim coast into Sacramento, Adrienne intones for the camera that deciding whether to move the Kings elsewhere is “one of the biggest decisions my family and I has ever had to make”. I’d personally say the choice to decline elementary-school grammar was a bigger one, but if it works for pretend royalty who am I to judge? The driver pulls the supercab Expedition alongside a very carefully painted mural begging Ms. Maloof to keep the Kings in Sacramento, and Adrienne gets a little weepy. “What about ME??!!!” shouts Kim, followed by, “ooh, is that chocolate?” as she lunges for the minibar.

The group pulls up at the Kings’ stadium, which probably has a name but the sign fell off, to be greeted by ten hecklers and about 100 peaceful protesters, all politely chanting “please don’t go”. Adrienne needs bolstering from another sip of champagne, which Kimmy declines with an overly loud “NO THANKS I’M GOOD!” Hmmmm. You know, Michaele Salahi tried to get on Celebrity Rehab but was rejected because she wasn’t really addicted to anything. It’s too soon to say for sure, but after that effusive protestation I think the Pasadena Recovery Center could be getting their first Real Housewife after all.

Needless to say the Last Kings Game EVAH was a big whoop-to-do about nothing. I’m not saying it isn’t serious business for Sacramento to keep the team, but they would pretty much have guaranteed it’s speedy departure by attacking the team’s female owner. The biggest problem the Oof-Ifs had during the game, in fact, was Kim’s endless chatter about people with their nipples hanging out at the Cigar Bar after horseback riding. Paul did get hit in the ear but it looked like an accident. Otherwise, the ladies posed with fans, Adrienne hugged the team lion mascot (to whom she bears more than a passing resemblance), and they left the stadium unruffled and intact, with Paul carrying both ladies’ purses. (And for those who watch more Bravo than SportsCenter, apparently the Maloofs have ultimately decided not to move the team for the upcoming season, which is in lockout anyway, and continue to work with Sacramento officials on a deal for a new stadium. So that’s that about that.)