So instead of Camille and Kimmy, we get some special guest stars at this party. Faye Resnick, who extended her OJ infamy by posing for Playboy, saunters in in Kennedy Armstrong’s pink party dress and says she just got back from Mexico City which was totally safe because she was rollin’ in a bulletproof car with armed guards. Sounds like a great vacay. Taylor brings along someone named Dana who makes sure her cornflower blue Birkin is front and center of every shot. (This is the same gal telling Camille about her $25K sunglasses in previews. What an idiot.) After Kyle, in a butterfly hair clip from 1989, thanks everyone for coming and ssssexy Mauricio tells his emotional story about surviving childhood cancer, we switch gears and finally welcome Brandi Glandsville!
Brandi “Mammary” Glandsville arrives on crutches wearing a terribly awkward black cocktail dress and one highly practical 6-inch wedge sandal, accomplanied by a midget escort encased in tacky black lace stockings. Oh wait! That’s Adrienne! Apparently Brandi broke her non-wedged foot shoving it up LeAnne Rimes’ bony ass…er, falling down in another pair of impractical footwear. Happens.
After being shown a photo of Brandi all recently cuddly with the demonic Cedric, we switch to her ITM in which she is wearing a very small and overtaxed peuce camisole with her strappy black bondage bra hanging out the top. Her lips are even more platypean than Taylor’s, which I would not have imagined possible had I not seen it for myself. “I was married to the number one douchebag of all time,” Brandi announces, before describing her ex, Eddie Cibrian, as an “actor”. (After reviewing IMDB and his career highlights of Third Watch, Sunset Beach, and Baywatch Nights, I share the air quotes.) “He’s really good looking and that’s what he does,” says Brandi. I’m not sure I agree with that, but whatever. Kyle tells the other ladies what we all know, which is that Brandi’s claim to fame is that Eddie ditched her for LeAnn Rimes, who promptly lost 40 pounds and got big new bazooms. Save the natural ta-tas, they’re endangered!
During the 30-second funny during the commercial break, we see Taylor’s consultation with tiny albino publicist Elliott Mintz as she endeavors to get to the bottom of the big info leak that she’s skinny and stressed out. The sage Mintz intones to Taylor that she must go to the head of the rattlesnake, not the tail. “You are getting very sleeeeeeepy,” he croons. After a slow sip of a chilled white wine, Mintz plants a very wet and uncomfortably long kiss on Taylor’s bony cheek without so much as blinking once, then whispers: “the eagle flies at midnight”. Taylor is confused, and so am I.
Back to the party, where the ladies are huddled off to the side with the Birkin bag front and center. They are cackling about Brandi Glandsville’s broken leg practically right in front of her, although the sound doesn’t entirely match to the scene so it woujld seem a bit patched together but whatever. Brandi in the bra informs us that if you give out bitchy vibes you are going to get it back and that she, Brandi Glandsville, is pretty good at being a bitch. And with that, LeAnn goes on a Twitter rampage.
Next week: the debut of the world’s most expensive shades, and is Brandi Glandsville a super slut? That’s what she said! Until then…
Elizabeth
I had to agree with last week’s commentors that the blog slipped a little, but this week you’re back! I thoroughly enjoy your recaps and appreciate the little humorous bits added here and there. You’re hysterical. Thanks for the weekly giggles!
Totally back! Great recap. The haters from last week bothered me a lot, then I remembered Steve’s weekly letters from readers and realized there is no IQ minimum for RS. I checked out your blog and it’s great. I’m so glad you joined RS to recap RHOBH- I enjoy the show even more now!