REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 10/3/11

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770

Good morning! Here’s your Tuesday RH news ticker…

· In case you are not a Twit, you may have missed the Full-Scale Twitter Meltdown Jacqueline Laurita had over the weekend. (It can’t rightfully be called a “war” as it seems she was the only party involved.) RHONJ is shooting season 4 right now, and shot footage of the annual Posche Fashion Show last week at which some ‘embarrassing’ thing happened outing Melissa Gorga’s previous career stop working at a strip club. She claims she was just a bartender in a Hooters outfit, the guy who outed her claims it’s an upscale sort of place (kind of like the Landing Strip), and I find I really don’t have much of an opinion shift based on this news so I’m not sure why it matters. Nonetheless Jacqueline is pointing the finger at her former BFF Teresa about the whole thing and took her Magic Thumb to Twitter to let all hell break loose. Meh.

· Not a happy development for Teresa, whose teeny weeny hubby was photographed in all his peanut M&M glory having a tete-a-tete with some bimbo who is not Teresa late last week.

· I had a rare opportunity to read one of my beloved trashy magazines cover-to-cover and not on a treadmill over the weekend, and my mag of choice (STAR) did not disappoint. In addition to all the news about Ashton’s recreational badonking, I learned that new RHONY Aviva Drescher is an amputee, having lost the lower part of one leg in a piece of farm machinery as a child.

· RHOA’s Kim Zolciak and Kandi Burruss are both getting their own shows. This sounds like a death knell for RHOA, and if NeNe doesn’t have a new gig herself methinks she’s not getting one. Bye bye.

· Anderson Cooper cancelled his appearance on WWHL tonight, which is a major bummer to me, but may have something to do with a terrible accident that happened during a taping of a segment for his new daytime show which resulted in a comatose skateboarder.

· And last but not least, in tangentially-related news, a possibly drunk 20-year-old crashed through LeAnn Rimes’ wall over the weekend. She was not home. Let’s move on…

The scene opens with an assortment of landscapers blowing and trucking, before turning to blue Birkin owner Dana’s cliffside manse, a Lamborghini and what I think is a Maserati parked in the driveway and a stroller aside the unremarkable front door. We then shift views and the cars magically transform into a Corvette and what appears to be a Bentley. Is Dana married to Doug Henning? Kyle and Taylor are teetering through the driveway like Golden Girl Goats in platform wedges, bitching about the pea gravel. Taylor wants to know why people get pea gravel, anyway. Well, because it’s cheaper than paving and you just have to rake it periodically, you Oklahoma hussy! Don’t call out my driveway, bitch. They arrive at a cheesy front door that totally has nothing to do with the exterior we just saw. I am becoming suspicious.

The door swings open and Dana’s giant kabooms explode out the doorway and try to snap off Kyle and Taylor’s noses. “Dana’s not afraid of an entrance,” explains Tay. I’ll say! I haven’t seen mamms in an outfit like that since Charo appeared last spring at Desert Diamond Casino! Dana is “doing stuff for her wedding”, which apparently means mediating a fight between caterwauling hamsters determined to escape the confines of her Vegas showgirl costume and take on Thing 1 and Thing 2.

So who is this Dana person? Bravo never really explains. The bio on bravotv.com shows her in the aforementioned bridal ensemble, minus the tiara, and explains that she is a Barbie collector, web entrepreneur, jewelry designer (so why does she have a jeweler helping her “do stuff” for her wedding?) and the person who planned Kennedy Armstrong’s tacky tea party. In Dana’s only ITM (“friends of the Housewives” don’t get a lot of ITMs), she reveals that she is currently not yet married to her baby daddy, whom she later describes as an investment banker. According to Priscilla from Wasilla (Google it), her fiancé is a “serial entrepreneur” named John Flynn who has dabbled in theatrical productions and started four separate medium-sized companies, and has a blog on which he rants about political economy and opines that people and governments shouldn’t spend money they don’t have. Is he the new Russell, or the anti-Russell? Seems like we are gonna find out.

Back to Dana’s where Chef Roland is slaving over a rather ancient looking cooktop whipping up a luncheon of salmon with avocado and mango salsa (excuse me, but I’d call that a terrine myself) for the ladies. The walls are stenciled by Loving Hands from Home and at least one drawer pull is hanging askew. In fact, the whole house seems to not have a lot of furniture in it, and what’s there is currently available at your neighborhood HomeGoods. Hmm.

Boobs McPhee explodes into the room just in time for the chow. Kyle has grabbed John Cayden Flynn’s milkbox flyer from the front hallway, which leads nicely to a conversation about his many talents. Seems the latest Cayden on the block (a) can read at age 18 months, thanks to the encouragement and guidance of his well-endowed Mamma; (b) models; and (c) speaks Thai. WTH? There’s a useful second language, and no doubt sounds like heavenly music coming from the mouth of a toddler. My youngest son is the same age as J. Cayden Flynn and last week I plucked a Lego arm from his nose, hand-side up. His newest word is “AWESOMMMMMMMMME!”, in traditional, non-takeout-menu English. Kyle calls J. Cayden “baby genius”. Boobs replies, “that’s Baby Messiah to you, bitch.”

After the lunch, we have an ITM with a wide-eyed Kyle in which she stared into the camera and without blinking intones: “Dana is a very very very nice person.” She then double-knots her Nikes and pulls the purple tablecloth over her head.