REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 10/3/11

Let’s rendezvous at Villa Blanca, shall we? Lisa’s manservant, Duran Duran, is presenting her with a tasting of pink wines. Someone should have invited my mother because she is the connoisseur of pink vino. On ice. Kim and Kyle’s managress, Bette, bursts in wearing the single ugliest dress on the planet, slams her head into the chandelier, and offers Lisa the chance of a lifetime: to commentate about the then-upcoming Royal Wedding for CNN. Lisa feels she is completely up to this august task because she had lunch with The Duchess of York (aka, Fergie, the non-Pea) just the week before. If she came out of that lunch not having had her toes sucked off I’d say Lisa is in fact ready to roll. After about three seconds polite averring, Lisa agrees to appear, saying that in life you “regret the things you don’t do, not the things you do do”. I can think of a lot of people with doo-doo to regret, but whatever. It sounds nice with an English accent.

Speaking of doo-doo, Adrienne’s going to have a bbq at some undefined time on a yet-to-be-determined date, and while she’s calling people to invite them to this theoretical event, Paul steps in Jackpot’s crap in his closet. I am newly appreciative of our ill-behaved dogs’ unpleasant habit of pooping in the powder room. At least it’s not carpeted, and sort of on the right track.

Meanwhile, Taylor, who my husband observes has had too many Skinnygirl Margaritas, clanks into a bar to meet Brandi Glands and bond over their shared marital disappointments. Brandi explains that her marriage to Mr. LeAnn Rimes was “a big pill of humility”; that he cheated on her throughout their marriage, and then she found out about his affair when it was on the cover of Us Magazine (which I still don’t really understand as a news event meriting cover treatment). Taylor shares that they are in marriage counseling, that she has been super vulnerable and disoriented, which is how she and Russell ended up at a hotel recently. Brandi suggests she should have gone alone, and awakening dawns on the face of Tay. Brandi is certain the Armstrong marriage is curtains, and recommends Tay get a mediator rather than drag it all out. Tay cheers Brandi for having taken Mr. LeAnn to the bank. This is FORESHADOWING.

Let’s take a break for a moment with Kim, who has taken a page from the Camille handbook and is dusting her collection of photo tchotchkes as a bit of impromptu performance art for her housekeeper, Zoila, who looks singularly annoyed that this display is cluttering up the kitchen counter. Kim has an ITM in a shiny pink leopard straightjacket with a gold lame neckbow that is attached to her chair in the back, in which she explains that none of her four children are living with her at present due to completely reasonable circumstances having nothing to do with her disconnection to reality. Kim has had some Kim Time and is a much stronger person than she was last year. This must be FORESHADOWING.

Back to LA County and the long-awaited Dinner of the Red Leather Pants between Kyle and Mr. Lisa. Lisa, Mr. Lisa, and Giggy await the Umanskys in a Villa Blanca banquette, logo pillow prominently placed, as Kyle and the ever-unbuttoned, rumbly voiced Mauricio arrive for the Pink Wine Summit. Kyle tells Lisa about her weird lunch with Dana and the discussion about her Thai-speaking baby. Lisa thinks the baby is probably speaking gibberish which Dana thinks is Thai (really, how would she know?) and Kyle remarks that everyone in the BH 9er is full of it. This is why they are my favorites. Mr. Lisa suddenly awakens mid-snore and asks if Dana’s the “chubby one” from the charity lunch. Now I am NOT going to call that girl “chubby”, but I will say that giant boobs run the risk of making a girl look fat, and I think some of the Housewives (especially those of OC) should have thought of that.

The talk naturally turns to Tay and her emaciation. Kyle points out to Lisa that she’s always been suspicious of Taylor and that she gives it away every time she starts a conversation by saying she’s not her friend. Lisa protests that she doesn’t want Tay to think she’s wearing a friend costume. Kyle continues to argue that it’s just not nice to start a conversation saying “I really don’t like you, BUT…” I think they’re both sort of right and this is all a bit tedious. Mr. Lisa opines that if Tay had actual real friends they wouldn’t let her get that skinny, which hits the nail on the head. (Not the prevention of skinniness head, but the having-actual-friends head.) Moving on…