REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 10/17/11

And we’re back. While you were sleeping (and I wish I was)…

· Part 1 of the RHONJ “whirlwind of stupid” (thank you, Caroline, for that spot-on assessment) aired Sunday, without Jacqueline Laurita, so it was three-on-one now that Caroline has gone off the Guidice reservation. It was sordid and tawdry and all kinds of awful. The highlight for me was Mr. Andy’s inquiries into the hows, whys, and whats of spray tanning. Teresa behaved like a cat getting gunned with a firehose. You could practically hear the voice in her head chanting “be nice be nice be nice” but then YEEEEOOOOW! she would lose it and the eyes would pop out. Teresa insists she has done nothing wrong ever, has been roundly victimized by all sorts of people lying, and she and Joe are going to pay off their debt because it’s the right thing to do, not because continuing with what is alleged to be a fraudulent bankruptcy would have resulted in her and Joe going to jail. No, that part wasn’t true at all. Nor is it true that Joe is going to do jailtime for acquiring a fake driver’s license. All not true, although it’s really true that Melissa told her she got with Joe Gorga for his fat wallet when they were boozing in Hoboken. That’s really true. Part 2 = more of the same.

· In other Guidice news, realfauxhousewives.com has identified Juicy Joe’s girl on the side, and she’s a competitive bodybuilder! Of all things! The photos are really quite astounding.

· Per radaronline.com, Taylor Armstrong is now crediting the cameras of Bravo for saving her from certain death at the hands of Russell. In other news, she’s discovered he owes people a lot of money and thinks that’s why he killed himself.

· And finally, RHOA is coming back next month and among its central events, Kim Zolciak will birth her love child and apparently marry the baby daddy on at least a wedding special if not her own show. I’m personally annoyed RHOA is getting RHNJ’s Sunday timeslot, because this Monday night gig is kicking my ass.

On to Beverly Hills, which finds us back at Game Night. Oh, God. Wasn’t this over last week? After a brief flashback to coloring Brandi slut, the fight picks up with someone demanding a time out, which naturally turns the subject matter to parenting. OH GOD NO. But yes, Kyle’s gonna do it! She’s gonna call Brandi out for letting her kid pee on Adrienne’s lawn and for not apologizing! “Kids don’t know better,” intones Kyle. “Mothers do.” I want to hide behind Teresa’s old couch with Pam. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” Miss Brandi responds. Huh? Look, Kyle’s being an ass for bringing up the kids and getting on you for something as dumb as this, but your best defense is not “peeing on the lawn is okay!”, Brands. Try something else. Anything, really. How about, “I’m a gimp and couldn’t really hopalong over there to provide positive redirection, so I spoke to him about it at home later and he’s going to apologize to Mrs. Oof-If when next he sees her.” No, instead Brandi goes with “I don’t have 85 nannies” and now she’s all up in Camille’s business! Oh, Brandi! When in a hole, stop digging!

Let’s be clear about this: the Richards sisters were not nice to Brandi last week, and yes, they made an already-insecure outsider feel really unwelcome. My friend Kyle can be a bit too full of herself and put on a pretentious show from time to time. And I don’t think that anyone who lives in a glass house with Paris Hilton has any business throwing stones at anyone else. However, sometimes people set themselves up for a bad time, as Brandi did by showing up sulky and defensive and not much fun to be around. And at the end of it all, Brandi’s the one who brought out the flying monkeys, if you ask me. They are all brats and are going to have to work their way out of this on their own, which is essentially my parenting philosophy.

Back to the action. After inadvertently dragging Lady Grammer into the mix, Brandi regroups and starts shrieking about what’s been going on in the bathroom. AGAIN. “Don’t insult my sister!” shouts Kyle, pointing. “Don’t go after my children!” shouts Brandi, pointing back. This would be a good time for someone with experience in Oklahoma asstossing to break it up, but no, we’ll continue. “Bitch.” “Classless.” “You’re the queen of England and we’re all just trailer trash.” “No, just you,” jumps in Kim. Brandi whips around like she forgot that cock was in the fight. “No, you’ve been smoking crystal meth in the bathroom all night.” WHAM! I KNEW she accused her of using crank! I knew it! Now they’re issuing pointless ultimatums about the talking and the pointing, and finally Taylor cranks up her panties and hollers at the top of her lungs that NO ONE will TOUCH or HURT ANYONE ELSE. [Foreshadowing, we have foreshadowing….]

Pam pipes up that “We’re from Beverly Hills, we don’t do that,” and with that, the bartender announces last call and the bitches are out of here.

But not before a few followup potshots. Kim wanted to pick Brandi up by the hair and swing her around the room, which I really would have enjoyed seeing. Lots of empty space for such a circus act seeing as there is no furniture. Taylor questions why Brandi hates herself so much, as evidenced by the fact that she keeps coloring herself slut. Camille’s a bit jealous that Brandi has three guys while no one wants to get randy with Camille. Dana tells Brandi she’s sorry she had a bad night, but that she really shouldn’t have started in with the bathroom crap. I have to agree with Dana even if I find her perfectly ridiculous. The crutches are found and Brandi departs, never to return again. Or so we think.

So now that THAT’S over, Dana wants to secure her position on the next healthy, safe vacay, preferably to Camille’s vast Hawaiian estate. Camille acts like she didn’t hear Dana talking and slips out an open back window. With Camille gone, Dana corners Kyle, and intones that they should all go on Kim’s journey with her, that they are together forever and always have been. Huh? “Who? What?” asks Kyle. Oh, you two, because you are sisters. Uh huh. Finally it’s over and that’s the end of Game Night. Thank God. I am exhausted.