REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 10/17/11

But no! we have to revisit it again behind each other’s backs. In a Camillean montage, Adrienne glides from her gilded estate across the lane to the Pump’s posh palace so she and Lisa can get the dirt from Kyle, only to find that she and Ms. Kyle are wearing the same lime silk shirt! Only Adrienne’s has been acid-washed because she has to take her look to the next level, always. Adrienne’s supposedly on Team Brandi, but there are chinks in that façade. She’s weak, she really is. Lisa is horrified that Jakey peed on the grass, and if Max had done so she, Lisa, would have yanked him by the thing and said “no you do NOT”. Which may be one of the reasons why he is pursuing adult adoption. “We’re drowning in bimbo soup!” announces Lisa. Adrienne feebly offers that Brandi told her what happened, and that she really felt attacked. Kyle counters, “I went after her son for peeing in the grass, she went after my sister for smoking crystal meth. What’s ‘attacking’?” Mmmm hmmmm. Lisa sizes it up like this: “That was a low blow, and the counterattack was well-deserved. Bitch.” The gavel drops and this meeting is adjourned.

Meanwhile, Tay and The Glands are meeting up at a bakery where Brandi’s going to order a personal buffet and Tay is going to have a latte with whole milk, because she EATS. Brandi acknowledges that she crossed a line, and she regrets it, which is the first adult thing I have heard anyone say in the entire history of the Housewives franchise. Tay advises her that she may need to be open to apologizing to Kyle, which is interesting advice seeing as Tay never apologized to Kim for tossing her under the bus last year, but no matter. Brandi’s not going to do it anyway. Again there is pouting.

Time for a fun family weekend in Palm Desert with the Richards girls! Thank God they have a driver for their Dodge Sprinter, because Kim’s been ingesting air freshener thinking it’s Binaca. And now it all makes sense. Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, Portia, and one of Kim’s kids all pile in. Mauricio, as the only male in attendance, will drive separately so as to prevent the overwhelming estrogen levels from harming his gonads. The Richards Chicks arrive with cycles in sync.

The Palm Desert house, which is now “Kyle’s House”, used to belong to the Richards sister’s mother, and is apparently the cause of the various house-stealing accusations. It seems that when Mom died, she left her properties to her children. Kyle’s version of events was that she bought her sisters out. Kim’s version is that she needed $20K so she borrowed it from the estate against her share of the house, and next thing she knew Kyle wouldn’t let her pay her money back in and no longer wanted to “partner”. And thus the involuntary buyout became House Stealing. Kyle still thinks of it as Kim’s house as much as hers, at least today because that’s not what she said last season. Doesn’t seem like Kim shares that outlook. I suspect this isn’t the last we’ll hear of the Stolen Palm Desert House.

Let’s move on to more frivolous topics and start planning Pandora’s wedding! Lisa has decided to retain the services of wedding planner Kevin Lee, and if he reminds a person of Franck from “Father of the Bride” that’s because Franck’s character was based on this very same Mr. Lee. Kevin Lee has a mullet, wears a skinny tie, very pointy boots, and Transitions eyewear, and borrowed Kyle’s big “H” HILTON belt. Chaka Khan let me rock you! Pandora looks legitimately afraid of Kevin Lee, but she’s stuck with him – he didn’t get the gig to plan Kim Kardashian’s shark-jumping nuptials, and he’s not going to let anyone stop him from attacking this one. Lisa tours them around the Chateau Pump, specifically the Secret Garden, where the magical Uniting As One is proposed to transpire; the Court Du Tennis, which will host the Bravo-sponsored drunken aftermath; and the kitchen, where the breakdown happens. Seems Pandy and her mama have vaguely rational (high-end rational) ideas of how this event is going to shake out: 175-180 guests, roughly a $150K max budget. Kevin Lee is horrified. He’s in shock, actually. And he’s not going to take it. Kevin Lee is fighting back: Pandy wants pink in her dress, Kevin Lee decrees it “tacky”. Lisa says $150K will do, Kevin announces that that’s “English”, that a legit BH wedding is $1 mil. Lisa’s ready to flee across the pond and have a cheap English wedding in a proper church and a reception in a pub. I’m in! But Kevin is not. As Kevin Lee likes to say, “This is Beverly Hills, darling, and things are chi chi chi chi chi!” That’s enough of that.

While all the wedding stupidity is going on, the Sisters Richard are out to lunch in shorts they are TOO OLD FOR. Short shorts are not appropriate on anyone over age 10, that’s all there is to it. I see teenage girls wearing booty shorts and they obviously are fit enough to pull them off aesthetically, but that doesn’t make it right. Well beyond inappropriate on the Geritol Generation. The sisters are bickering over Kim’s cheap rental in Westlake, and I really don’t get it because I don’t know the greater LA region, but it seems our Kim has rendered herself Geographically Undesirable and Kyle thinks she could do better. Kim points out that when she’s under attack, as on Game Night, her sister Kyle is a mother bear, but other than that she’s pick pick pick. Welcome to my world, friend. Sauvignon Blanc in the beer fridge.