REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 10/31/11

Happy Halloween! Hope you had a great costume! This was mine:

And the baby speaks Thai! Needless to say I tweeted my costume and human accessory to Mr. Andy and Dana Wilkey, who replied with:

@thislittlemama @bravoandy Satu from JC

Now can one of you young hip kids tell me what that means exactly? I am old enough that I remain naturally conversant in full words and prefer sentences. I am assuming “JC” is her Thai-speaking son and not Jesus Christo, El Hombre. But whatever it means, that was more than thrill enough for my housewifey life until….

*!*!*!*1:20 pm when I am stopped at a red light and get a message on my Blackberry from a staff member at “Watch What Happens Live”. Two, actually. Seems they like my costume and are INVITING ME TO THE CLUBHOUSE. Tonight! Live and in costume for Halloweave! Holy hell in my handbag! I’ve been summoned by Mr. Andy Himself!*!*!*!*

Now needless to say, since I don’t have a jet to scramble (nor do I have control over the dimensions of Space and Time even were I so blessed) my accessory and I did not make it to the show. (Not that I did not try.) And I have to be honest and say it’s probably for the best, because the baby would have been scared, and I might have been just a wee bit freaked out myself if I am going to be honest, which I am. It was a little crowded and oversexed in there. But I would have LOVED to have met Mr. Andy, let alone Gail Simmons, let alone Chris March, or Phaedra, or my favorite housewife ever, Alex McCord. As it is my photo is on the WWHL web page, so that’s enough for me. Instead of carousing with drunks in Manhattan, my husband took Big and Little trick-or-treating while I stayed home with my sick 5-year-old and checked out sticker books about dogs while wearing my Pam tiara, because I am the queen of this all-boy house. And long may I reign. Remember one thing!

On with the show!

Our trip back in Housewife Time finds us toodling the BH streets with Lisa in her white Bentley, pumping up the superbass. Naw, she’s just calling the bitches and no one’s picking up. Damn. It seems Moh is throwing the wild engagement party on Tuesday. Now maybe that’s what makes life different for the BH 9ers – Tuesdays are their Saturday, whereas for me Tuesdays are for Sunday School, and I still don’t understand when or why Sunday School moved to Tuesdays. Nonetheless…

After our requisite “we’re really friends” call to Kyle in her Ashlee Simpson fedora, in which she questions whether Adrienne’s soaps her poultry in hopes it will render it more moist and succulent, Lisa puts one in to Tay, who answers and knows it’s her only Brit friend before Lisa can play the “guess whoooooooo!” game. All that bangers and mash, you know. Anyway, just to make sure Tay knows how totally unenthused Lisa is about this phone call, Lisa sighs deeply and then employs her “you’re exhausting” voice to explain to Tay that she’s invited, but her still-husband Russell is not. It seems, per Lisa, that Moh and Russell have “ostensibly had a falling out”. Ostensibly? Either they have or they haven’t, Pinky Toscadero. Nonetheless, Russell isn’t welcome, Tay gets it, the mysterious Moh has now found himself backassed into impressions of questionable business dealings with the late Mr. Armstrong, and the guest list is complete. Moving on.

Looming financial disaster aside, lil’ Kennedy’s fifth birthday is around the corner and Tay’s gonna make the most of Bravo footing the bill! And our Pam, Professional Party Planner, is here to help! Although Pam doesn’t do country, and is having a hard time with Tay’s vision, as am I. Leaving behind the Mad Hatter’s Expensive Acid Trip, 5 is going to be more “family oriented”, as a ranch party/county fair themed gathering for 200. What the hell is she talking about? Will there be funnel cake? Fried butter balls? Frito pie? Will my neighbors’ 4H goats be running amok and chewing up Birkin bags? Where I live there is at least one child who rides a horse to school and many who muck stalls as a daily chore, so to step up the exotic factor our county fair has featured elephant rides the past few years. Will there be an elephant? HUH TAY??? We want to see ELEPHANTS, dammit! And blue-ribbon pie! None of this pansy ass BH 9er version of “county fair”. I want rednecks, tractor pulls, and mud. Lots of mud. Bring it, Oklahoma.

Well, maybe not. What Tay’s got in mind is having Rosebud Cakes modify their classic Winged Unicorn $2000 special into a more traditional Unwinged Horse Cake, in Strawberry Whipped Cream, please. From here I have no idea where we’re headed, but I am nervous. This is what I like to call a Bad Plan when I’m having a teachable moment with my kiddies. Watch What Happens, sadly enough.

Enough Tay, and phew. Let’s reunite with our Kyle and her luscious well-conditioned hair, which is looking exceptionally lustrous when she and her MIL, Estella, arrive at Dr. Paul’s plastic surgery center for an overhaul. Estella and her improbably-named daughter, Sharon (your kids are Mauricio and….Sharon?) are terribly excited about the mini-lift Dr. Paul recommended at Flopsy’s graduation party last summer; Kyle, on the other hand, is nervous like a whore in church. Methinks she may be overcompensating so that we don’t catch on to the wee little bit of help she’s been getting in the lips, hmmmm? Acting all afraid of the surgery so we don’t realize just how much she can’t live without her little helper, Restylane?

Anyhoo, Estella, who is all in or she’s nothing, is ready to roll live on tape. This is no consult – she’s going IN. And while I can see a thing or two she might want to adjust, really they say the neck is what shows it all and Estella’s neck looks damn good! The long blonde hair looks a bit like a wig, but the neck is good. So I’m not sure what Dr. If’s going to do here, but whatever it is it takes 6 hours and may or may not involve a nose job. We’ll find that out next week, I’m guessing. We roll into surgery and (a) what I could see of the anesthesiologist didn’t look much like Marky Mark, and (b) we’ll never know if Dr. If did or could really dial into MM’s voicemail. But I too like to pretend, and he’s definitely not Kim’s type, that’s for sure. Even before we meet The Bear. 6 hours later Kyle leaves Flopsy with Portia in the waiting room and heads in to check on The Inveeesible Woman, otherwise known as the Fishnet Burglar. SHIT. I am pretty sure when they’ve done “mini lifts” in the OC things haven’t looked quite that mangled. Right? Did Alexis Bellino’s mom look that pulpy? This would seem a cautionary tale, but as they say beauty isn’t painless, although The Fonzarella seems to feel herself to be in great shape. Thumbs up! Heeeeeeyyyyyy!!!