REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 10/31/11

…and go to Moh’s! Where there’s a camel wearing a carpet! And a swan! And belly dancers with feather fans! And lots more bazooms when Camille rolls up (the camel sniffs them). I’m starting to wonder what’s feeding this Moroccan fantasy on Bravo’s part. First we sent the RHONY, now we’re bringing it to the BH 9ers. Is the Moroccan tourism office paying for play? The Kountess is probably advising on all this so let’s just let her do it and wait till she leaves. But I am compelled to point out this one little bitty thing….where I live, last winter several of the Christmas tree lots featured camel rides as an attraction. Just saying – maybe camel isn’t so fancy. Once I spot a bartender in a “SUR” shirt I can’t help but think all this excess is a bit less than what it seems. Product placement, people!

Moh and his (no longer, per Dana) fiancée, the hulking teenage Julia, are greeting their guests. Mr. Lisa is wearing a sequined dinner jacket and black silk blouse. And then EGADS! Who is that giantess? She looks like that weird blonde person who I think dated Brandon Walsh on one of the later seasons of 90210 but I am drawing a blank about the details. Maybe it’s her on stilts. And oh god now there’s a belly dancer with an anaconda. I am with Tay on one thing: I hate snakes. Hate em. I saw one gardener’s snake my whole life growing up (didn’t even see it – my sister stepped on it and ran like Forrest Gump) and now I live in the desert where I have to scout for snakes before letting my kids outside. I loathe all animals that have fewer than 2 and more than 4 legs. Those are my boundaries, and I think they are good ones. In her bolt from the snake Tay and the massive box that’s controlling her descent lurch right straight into the face of God the Camel and that’s when she knows the gig is up. I’m telling you, this was the turning point.

WHOO! That was close. Kyle’s here in her oh-so-subtle peacock dress, while Adrienne and Dr. Paul have arrived in head-to-toe black. Adrienne’s dress is adorned with a full chestplate of massive rhinestones, but as it goes for Adrienne it’s not all bad and at least we’re not left peering down her crevasse so she gets points for reserve. Tay encounters Lisa in the hallway outside the roped-off library, and there’s a lot of nodding. Tay and her massive beige lips are being very gracious to Lisa and handling the awkwardness of their non-friendship and Russell’s unvitation quite nicely, I must say. Kyle corners Flopsy, tells her she needs to get knocked up, leave the baby with mommy, and be gone, or else. I am starting to wonder whether there’s a minimum word requirement tor or from extended family members before Bravo is obligated to show them the money. Otherwise why else is she here?

Alright, let’s get to the special party details, shall we? Adrienne’s getting a spray tattoo around her upper arm that I pray to Jesus Christo, El Hombre, is fake because if not she is just farked. There are belly dancers, half naked gigolos for rent by the 10-minute increments, and a convulsive mermaid, who has now removed her tail and is sliding down the banister in a totally unsexy manner. It’s like she’s had a psychotic break mid-party. A guy in the band has a tattooed head and Camille is stuck talking to a tuxedoed midget. In other words, everything about this is WRONG and NOT HOT. I would have fled into the night had I been Pandy.

But no, it gets worse! Mr. Lisa’s twin, Martin, has a delusional friend named Dazza who thinks she’s gotten pregnant from herself off the floor and announces that “Daddy doesn’t want me to have kids”. Camille pauses awkwardly not once, but twice – and identically – , before getting the hell out of there. Dazza asks Adrienne whether or not she calls Dr. Paul “Daddy”. Adrienne says if she was going to say anything mid-sex it would be shouting the Spanish word for “Go! Go!”, and since she doesn’t know what that is I think we’ve heard all we need to know about that subject. Next thing there are albino acrobats, and Kyle’s getting all competitive and doing the splits and Tay’s sticking her bony leg in the air, and that’s IT they are so not being invited to the actual wedding. When did this tip into “Eyes Wide Shut”? JCEH!

So let’s think for a second…who didn’t come to the engagement orgy…. Tickticktick …. I know!! KIMMY! Oh damn. Kimmy said she was moving, but what she was really doing was moving in on her neighbor. BOW WOW! Kimmy’s neighbor is a bear of a man who reminds me of someone I wish I never met who is now in jail. I’m sure the neighbor is nice, but all I can think is Tom Sizemore. And I hate it, because I have loved Kimmy since the 70s and now I have to worry about her. How did she find this person from “the back roads” who just happened to be casually waiting at her mailbox? If he was wearing a turtleneck and meatloaf plaid blazer and looked just like Ian Eisenmann I might accept it as fate, but as it is I am just uncomfortable with this relationship.

Next week: Kim gets some work and comes clean about the neighbor, and a psychic tells Camille she’s finally going to get with a guy who’s swinging in the right direction! I KNEW IT! Frasier, be free! Live authentically!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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