REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 11/7/11

Greetings! Happy to share some news from around the greater U.S. regarding our mutual friends, the Housewives:

· according to RadarOnline, Jacqueline and Chris Laurita are being sued for misappropriating corporate assets to the tune of $8 million dollars. Supposedly Chris Laurita’s business (Signature Apparel, whatever that is) made more than $250 million dollars between 2005 and 2009, but after the economy went south the company went bankrupt. The suit, filed by someone to whom Signature Apparel owed money, alleges that the Lauritas drained the company of its assets to pay personal expenses and support their lavish lifestyle, including payments to credit card companies, 11 car leases (including a Bentley, a Maserati, and no doubt that buttmonkey Ashley’s Jeep) and about half a million dollars in travel-related expenses. Eeek. The Lauritas deny all charges. Of course.

· Star Magazine is also reporting that the Oof-If marriage is on the rocks, but they’ve been saying this for a while. I predict: zzzzzzzzz.

· The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back! I have to say I feel like the first ep was a rerun of seasons past; I’m much more intrigued by the fact that since they left the show, both DeShawn Snow and Lisa Wu-Hartwell have parted ways with their supposedly devoted spouses. (DeShawn’s husband left her for his pregnant girlfriend, yow.) Bravo gave us a “Before They Were Stars” preview of RHOA, hyperbole if I’ve ever seen it, in which we were given supposedly valid evidence that Kim is in fact 33 (it remains an open question if she’s in fact female), and were casually apprised that Cynthia is 44. WHAT the WHAT? I totally thought she was like, 27?! I hereby apologize for any askance glances I cast at Mr. Peter.

· Dana posted a video on YouTube which allegedly shows her 24-month-old baby speaking Thai. It sounds Thai, I’ll give her that. I think maybe my baby speaks Thai, too! My baby watched and waved bye-bye to JC, so they were obviously communing.

· I have two friends whose children are playing in sports leagues with the offspring of Real Housewives. One friend’s daughter is playing soccer with the child of Tamra Barney; the other’s son is playing basketball with the children of Scottie and Larsa Pippen (RHOM). Both report that the Housewives consistently appear at sporting events dressed in what my friend Melinda calls “the full Carmela Soprano”, otherwise known as the hot pink Juicy tracksuit. Nothing otherwise intriguing to report. Through another friend, I’ve learned that our Adrienne Maloof is soon launching a shoe line! Can’t wait to see those hooker booties!

· And finally: Lisa and Matthew Broderick were the guests on tonight’s WWHL, which wasn’t that interesting except someone called in to ask what Matthew’s favorite movie experience was and he said “Glory”. WHA? To borrow from my friend Phaedra Parks, Everyone Knows Matthew’s favorite movie experience was “Ferris Bueller”, and specifically the time he spent between filming scenes for the final chase, waiting in the back seat of a police car and eating a banana while making eye contact with none other than…moi, circa 7th grade. Mmmm hmmm.

And away we go!

It’s the day after the Engagement Orgy, supposedly, and Dr. Paul’s throwing a Night of Beauty, oh how we need it. Kyle is first to arrive because she doesn’t want or need any botox or fillers (denial, denial!); instead, she’s seeking treatment for her love handles. KYLE! I have them too! This is why we are friends. Dr. Paul’s got a plan for that, involving some space-age machine with rotating red lights that somehow makes the fat cells ditch the fat, then you drink a lot of water and the cells are poof! there, but empty. You have to do it three times a week for two weeks. This sounds a bit like the modern version of the machine my grandparents had when I was a kid that basically involved a post and a vibrating belt that supposedly jiggled your midsection fat away, but hell, I’ll try it.

Meanwhile, Tay’s getting her sunken cheeks corrected with vast amounts of Restylane. Lisa, who’s wearing her usual ugly peplum dress in an unflattering shade of plum, tells her she needs to eat, not throw dirt in the hole, but Tay sticks to her guns and gets the injections. She does look much better after, I’ll give her that. Lisa, for her part, is doing nothing because she has to go to work on the corner. Camille’s not coming because she’s had a bad day, and hell I’d lock myself in my house, too, if I had an evil gay bastard ex-husband who wanted custody of ONE of our children. Just sick. Having phoned in support to Camille (for which Kyle wore reading glasses), Lisa breaks out the pink iPad and shows Kyle the befuddling email she’s received from Russell, of all people, wanting her to know that he and Tay are happier than ever and their business is up 900%. This kind of business, or THAT kind of business? I’m not buying it either way, and neither is Lisa, who can’t understand why she’s getting this sort of missive from Russell. Kyle’s not going to tell her, and when Lisa asks Tay why Russell would email her, Miss Tay takes her 50 shopping bags and makes a run for it, so all this shiittake will have to wait another week. And by the way, not a word about Fonzarella’s post-op progress, I will note. I am very concerned about her wellbeing.

Here comes Kim, late again, having driven in from God knows where and doing all sorts of everything but attentively driving as she made her way down the freeway. I really hope hers is one of those Drivers Ed cars and she had a chauffeur filming her from a helmetcam. Kim bursts through the door wearing a shirt that looks like a Pepto explosion and a pair of hipster skateboarding jeans that look like they are melting off. In fact, Kim just looks like she’s melting in general, so it’s probably good that she’s here to see Dr. If. Anyway, Kyle wants to make sure Kim’s coming to her séance. SÉANCE? What the HELL? And Russell is supposedly coming, too? Jesus Christo El Hombre. Kim says she doesn’t want to come because it’s against her religion. Which is what? My understanding was that the Richards Chicks are Jewish and have a psychic on staff. So séances are okay for Kabbalah but not for the mainstream? My mind wanders to the many I know who are all into organic living and holistic medicine, and don’t vaccinate after carrying children in a womb that shares living space with plastic bags full of silicone. I’m not judging, just confused.

But that’s besides the point, because Kimmy leaves Kyle in the waiting room and heads into the Surgery Center, where Dr. If wants to talk about her health history, and what a history it is. Kim confirms she is not currently drinking, and hopes to stay sober. And God be with her, really. HOWEVER. She also confirms that she is taking: Trazadone, Topomax, and Lexapro. And with that I would just like to say I TOLD YOU! Last week or the week before, I said it: she’s not on meth, thank you Glands, and she’s not a drunk, she’s on a doctor-prescribed wheel of mayhem and just seeing what happens. So here’s what our Kim is taking (per the US National Library of Medicine):

· Trazodone is used to treat depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and anxiety disorders. It increases the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain which maintains mental balance. It can make you drowsy and affect your judgment.

· Topamax is used to treat seizures in people who have epilepsy. It has also been used to treat migraines and is in experimental use for people who have bipolar disorder.

· Lexapro is an antidepressant and is also often used to treat anxiety.