Holy cannoli, is it Monday already? This really was the sucklord of Beverly Hills episodes, and in all honesty I am far more interested in seeing my Congresswoman interviewed by Diane Sawyer, so let’s run through our usual list of gossip items before we get to the tea party from hell, shall we?
· Kim Zolciak married her babydaddy on Friday, wearing an incredibly subtle 32-pound secondhand bridal gown she got from preownedweddingdresses.com. The affair was filmed for Bravo so we’ll all get to see if her wig stayed on for ourselves.
· Contrary to reports on a fake “news” website over the weekend, Tamra Barney is not dead! In fact, she’s alive and well in Turks & Caicos. I seem to think this isn’t the first time there’s been a false report of her untimely demise. She’s the Alfonso Ribeiro of reality television, that Tamra.
· Page Six reports that Ramona Singer has been trying to take her Ramona Pinot Grigio BYOB into lots of fancy NYC establishments and has been getting denied. Actually, not only has her wine been shut down, but apparently the RHONY are having a hard time finding places that will allow them to film. I guess the patronage of the Kountess doesn’t reflect well for business.
· According to RadarOnline, it may be that the reason Kim Richards’ new bear, Ken Blumenfeld, wears a ring is because he’s actually…married… if separated. And not only is Ken technically married, but he’s also busy looking for love among the 26-49-year-old crowd on Match.com. His profile on Match was most recently active just three weeks ago. Doesn’t look good for his new roommate.
· Larsa Pippen of RHOM wore a navy Juicy sweatsuit to the kids’ basketball game this past weekend. Scottie came with this time!
· I received my copy of Lisa Vanderpump’s new book, Simply Divine, today amidst a staggering array of Legos and a new yoga DVD. Thanks, Amazon! I have yet to read it but can report that it features many photos of Giggy in the same blue pajamas he wore during tonight’s episode, as well as a recipe for Spotted Dick. Next week I’ll provide a full report.
· And finally, after hunting high and low I finally found three bottles of the newest Skinnygirl flavor, white cranberry cosmo, at my local BevMo this past weekend, and I cleared them out. And damn glad I did because Bethenny has outdone herself. I hereby declare white cranberry cosmo the best Skinnygirl flavor of all. Enjoying myself a glass right now…
On with the sh*tshow!
The curtain parts and reveals we are still at the stucco/chickenwire/Styrofoam rental shanty now revealed, by Match.com, to be in Westlake Village. I have no idea where that is but presume it is West, and too far west for Kyle. Kyle’s weeping as Kim coaxes her into the mess of a living room to meet her new roommate, Ken, and his handyman, Beto, son of Marlon Brando. Why is Kyle crying? I don’t know. Maybe she’s upset because her sister is getting it on with an oversized oily bohunk who sounds like Mike Tyson. Would probably upset me, too. As Kyle dried her weepy, allergy-prone eyes next to a vase of half-dead calla lilies, she confides to the camera that Kim’s kids have complained that Ken is controlling. Now wait. I thought you had no idea about this man until just minutes before on the veranda, but already you have a report of controlling behavior? Damn, that psychic is good. Kyle leaves a sodden mess, Kim thinks it was hard, Ken thinks it went well. I’m just glad Kim’s moving and hope Ken’s house is a little less claptrappy. That place looks like it rolled up on the back of a flatbed.
It turns out that it’s also Dr. Paul’s birthday! I can’t remember how old he is, but Adrienne’s turning 50 this year so he’s over that hill. Adrienne’s taking Paul out to lunch at Crustacean and he’s certain she’d love the crab. Just for Paul’s birthday A’s let him repuff her philtrum and has worn her very best Grease slut outfit, skintight black shiny pants and hooker heels. Just because they are Christian Louboutins doesn’t mean they aren’t hooker heels, especially when paired with that getup. There’s no music at Crustacean – in fact there are no people other than the waiter. What atmosphere. There’s lots of glaring and a delicious glass of Jordan. Happy birthday, sucker. Drink up.
So with nothing else to talk about, the Oof-Ifs talk about Taylor. Adrienne’s worried about her stability, because you say hi to Taylor and she cries. Adrienne finds it hard to like Russell after Taylor’s told her that he has “gotten physical” with her and it has escalated. Paul really thinks this sounds unlike Russell and that these stories are awfully severe and don’t match up. Then the flaming torch arrives, because it’s not just Paul’s birthday, it’s the Olympics!
That’s enough about that. We have a moment between Kyle and Mauricio in her exquisite all-white kitchen (guess she’s getting a screening room) and I really want photos so I can Pinterest them. On to a gala luncheon for the Women Making A Difference where Taylor is being honored as a nominee for Philanthropist of the Year. Or so they make it seem when someone else wins that award and Taylor gives Russell an “oh shucks” sort of deal. I can’t really find out much about this online except that it’s sponsored by the LA Business Journal and it’s reader-nominated and usually gets 200 nominations each year. So read whatever you like into that. Taylor presents herself as the “chief creative director” of beautyticket.com, which is apparently her newest business venture. It’s a website shilling “premium discount cosmetics” and it’s no Sephora or even Ulta, I’ll tell you that. Her personal blog still promotes her as the president and co-founder of the poorly-named eImplement, Inc., which is a management consulting firm “specializing in ERP solutions for SAP and Oracle, IT Infrastructure Planning and Content Management”. Before becoming an acronym consultant, Taylor was a pharmaceutical rep for Pfizer and Medtronic. I really don’t want to kick this girl when she’s down, but she’s just a whole bunch of phony baloney and that’s the truth.