Anyway, who cares and let’s move onto the social awkwardness which is the real reason we’re here. First we have a marital moment between Taylor and the late Mr. Armstrong. EEEEEK! Okay, it’s safe to look, because he’s gone and here’s Camille and all sorts of squeals and squnchy faces amidst the exuberant greeting. Adrienne’s wearing a blue cocktail top of sorts and a too-tight skirt, because that’s her daytime look. In fact, everyone’s there except Kyle – who’s late and dressed like a highly conspicuous leopard-loving flasher – Lisa, and Brandi. Those last two were NOT ON THE LIST. Lisa makes a carefully scheduled call to Inspector Catcoat to invite her to a tea party the following afternoon, at which time the secret gets out that Taylor’s not getting a pretend award and Lisa wasn’t in the loop. If I were The Pump, I’d consider that a near miss and go take a nap. So why did Tay leave Lisa off the list? Because it’s Her Day, and she didn’t want Lisa to ruin it with a “backhanded compliment wrapped up in sarcasm”, she claims, sarcastically. Dana agrees with Taylor that this was the right thing to do. I think Dana pretty much agrees with whoever is speaking at the moment, which is probably a wise choice in this crowd.
So now it’s the next day, although you wouldn’t know it because Giggy’s in the same blue pj’s he had on yesterday….same ones he has on in Simply Divine, in fact, and it’s time for the tea party from hell and beyond. As my dear friend Leslie pointed out, the only thing in this episode that made sense was the housekeeper’s pink uniform. The rest of it is nothing but batshittake.
Lisa’s dressed up in her Barbie best, a carnation pink dress festooned with the frosting rosettes kids fight over at birthday parties, tight as a mother#$%ing boa constrictor. (Aside: when my oldest was in kindergarten, a classmate’s mom brought in his brother’s boa constrictor for Star of the Week. WHAT in HELL? You can’t bring a peanut butter sandwich to school some places, but a 5-foot instrument of death is an appropriate visitor for Pet Day. My son claims his friend’s brother “found it” in the desert. God save us all.) Anyway, this is the kind of tea party I like, and I am sure those cute piggy petit fours will appear in my copy of Simply Divine when I get a chance to look it over. Oh, STOP: Giggy has a stroller! It’s pink and has a big sign that says GIGGY. This episode was worth watching just for that.
So the ladies arrive in one set of three: Adrienne, who drove over from across the street, Kyle, and Camille. Adrienne’s wearing a hideous indigo top with a big belt that makes a peplum and split arms. She looks like a toreador and I swear she wore this last week and those are the same hooker pants she wore to Crustacean. Kyle’s wearing a similar top as a dress, in taupe, and Camille’s in a gorgeous silk dress in the perfect shade of grey (which I find tough to wear) with exquisite jade jewelry. That girl has great taste. Not necessarily so much our Lisa, who experiences an entertaining oops when it’s revealed that there’s still saran wrapped on the tea sandwiches. Don’t want ‘em to dry out…
And after the gang takes their places, Taylor, who Lisa invited even though Taylor didn’t invite Lisa, rolls up in her giant black Escalade which she clearly requires for transporting Kennedy and her many friends on car pool duty, and strolls in wearing a really ugly tiered teal shift. And her mood is as ugly as her ensemble. Before confronting Tay about her snub, Lisa takes a short break to put a call in to Kim and inquire about her whereabouts, in which we time travel back to the 1980s with Lisa’s Dynasty dress and phone with a cord. When’s the last time anyone used a phone with a cord? Outside an office setting, I mean? Kim’s not coming. I just don’t believe it.
Back to 2011, and Lisa casually but pointedly asks Tay about her event. Tay says Lisa wasn’t invited because Lisa’s “not her friend”. But I invite you to everything, including my daughter’s engagement party for which you didn’t even need to buy a ticket, says Lisa, and with that here comes the Oklahoma. Tay informs Lisa of the following:
· Lisa only invited Tay and her daughter to live Chez Pump to make herself look like a saint
· Lisa never lets Tay finish
· Lisa has treated Tay “so poorly it’s embarrassing”
· Lisa needs to “stop stirring the pot and stepping away from the fire”
· “If you can’t be my friend, then please don’t be my enemy. My life is hard enough as it is.”