Well, that last is sad, but she quickly changes lanes back to Angry, makes the beatdown open mic, and there are crickets.
With no backup, Tay takes a big slug of Jack Daniel’s and here comes the surrey with a fringe on top. “I’ve been kissing your ass for a year!” shouts Tay. “I’ll never be good enough for you! You give me the worst anxiety!” They make meds for that, as our Kim could explain were she not trapped under a pool table in Westlake Village.
Lisa, who is being very reasonable amidst all the histrionics, tries to explain to Tay that she wasn’t saying she ISN’T HER FRIEND, she was simply attempting to acknowledge that she isn’t her BEST FRIEND, that theirs is a contrived arrangement for camera purposes, and despite the fact that they aren’t naturally close, she wants to be of help and support to her if she, Tay, needs it. Tay’s having absolutely none of it. Lisa tries to make it simple and clarifies, “I am your friend if you need me, do you understand that?” Apparently not, because Tay comes back with an accusation that Lisa is “hurtful and sarcastic”. Lisa apologizes, just to close the deal out, Tay gets all sad again that all she wants is to be Lisa/Adrienne/Camille/not Shana Hughes from Oklahoma. “Be yourself,” advises our sage Lisa. “I don’t know who I am and I don’t need you judging me,” snaps Tay. “You make me feel bad about myself. [PAUSE] I didn’t mean to ruin your tea.” And with that, she grabs her massive LA handbag and stalks off in a dramatic huff.
Lisa pleads with her to come back so they can have some effort at sane reconciliation of this mayhem, but I don’t know why she’s bothering. Obviously everyone here is wise enough to realize that the source of Tay’s problems are not Lisa, but rather either (a) Taylor’s allegedly vicious husband, Russell, or (b) Taylor herself. And no one is really sure which it really is, but they beg her to stay and so she does.
Tay, who just before her attempt at a dramatic departure was bitching at Lisa for talking about her, Tay, behind her back, tries again to drag in the crickets by suggesting she and Lisa should go out back behind the woodshed and Tay will tell Lisa what everyone else is saying behind Lisa’s back! That ought to fix her! Gurl, you are losing traction. And for another thing, Lisa has her own photo of herself and Giggy as her screensaver! Her ego is out of control! Well let me just say this, if I look as good at 50 as Lisa does in that highly retouched photo, I’ll have a photo of myself with a dog (or cat, for that matter) in baby pajamas as my iPad screensaver too. TEAM PUMP!
Still crickets, so Tay shrieks that she’s LEAVING! For real this time! “You people are being dishonest!” And with that, she’s made a second dramatic exit, and dear lord of the rings let it be for real this time.
The ladies are left mystified. Kyle wants to know why the fight had to go open mic. Lisa wants to know why anyone cares whether she, Lisa, is being nice or not nice to Tay when the real issue is that Russell is allegedly definitely not nice to Tay. A debate ensues whether any of the stuff Taylor has told them about her tumultuous and allegedly violent relationship with Russell is true. Camille, whose single dinner engagement with Tay has been a source of much disagreement today (are they “Actual Friends” [Taylor] or was this a “De Minimus Social Interaction Of No Friendship Consequence” [Lisa]), tells the assembled that after listening to Taylor cry for three hours that Russell was leaving HER, Taylor departed the Malibu compound with the cheery announcement that she had a G4 to catch to head off somewhere with her soon-to-be-husband-no-more, which for Camille was a real WTH moment. For a stretch here the ladies debate whether Taylor is exaggerating her assets, before Lisa gets down to brass tacks and says she just doesn’t care what she’s got or doesn’t, the question is whether or not Russell is abusing her. As Tay herself says, the Giggy is UP!
Because, as the ladies rightly acknowledge, talking about these allegations – on TV – is a Very Big Deal. It runs the risk of ruining someone’s life. And like Dr. Paul, all of them feel the whole story doesn’t match up at all t he corners even Kyle. Oh dear. THIS IS BAD.
Taylor returns to tell Adrienne that Dr. Paul is rattling the front gates trying to get someone – anyone! – to get her to answer his pleading phone calls (perhaps a little Oof-If is beating his ass again), and since she’s there anyway tries to pick things up where we left off, which was at the corner of Irate and Another Thing. But Kyle’s not having any part of that, telling Taylor not to f#$% with her. Oh Mylanta this is going south, and fast. Taylor doesn’t understand how this became about her marriage. “Everyone should start saying what they mean!” she wails.
Well let’s just do that, shall we? All of a sudden, sweet Camille, who has been so demure and docile these first 10 eps, pins Tay down like The Miz. “I don’t think you want to put everything out there, Taylor. We have been protecting you. Not talking about how your husband hits you, broke your jaw…” And it is ON. No one’s going to win this, that’s for sure.
Next week: Camille shouts that Tay needs to be honest and storms out. Everyone’s at Kennedy’s County Fair. Adrienne’s mad about something, and Tay thinks Camille can shovel shiitake. Until then, GO GABBY GO! That, my friends, is reality worth watching!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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