REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 11/21/11

Happy Thanksgiving! And I am thankful to Mr. Andy for giving us the Housewives, without whom my life would be an empty shell. Without the Housewives, I’d be finishing up the crazy pre-Thanksgiving dining room repaint project I so cavalierly undertook; with the Housewives, my husband is doing the work so I can recap for you. Taking one for Team Pump!

Just a few news items this week:

· Kim, who apparently kicked her own mother out of her 11/11/11 wedding (per a website called Straight from the A), also fired Sweetie sometime earlier this year (per daughter Brielle’s social networking account). Sweetie, honey, I have work for you. Come to Brown Acres, we’ll set you up.

· In addition to having an active Match.com account, Kim’s new boyfriend also apparently has a past DUI. They are quite a pair! Meanwhile, sister Kyle has been sharing her thoughts about Smokey and the Bear quite openly, because Kim doesn’t read news in paper or online so she doesn’t know when Kyle’s talking behind her back. So it’s okay, you know?

· According to The Dirty, Cindy Barshop’s chain of cookie waxing establishments is going boots up. She’s closed several of her existing salons and is being evicted from one in NYC. She’s trying to save herself by getting her own reality show about hair removal.

· Alexis Bellino and Fat Albert have moved into a new 7000+ square foot beachfront home, per the Real Estalker, although there’s been no title change from the last owner, a gynecologist. Alexis is trying to make everyone think they paid flat cash for it (yeah, right), but it appears they are renters. Like Lynne Curtin, and we know how that turned out.

· And finally: last week I told you that I had received my copy of Lisa Vanderpump’s new book, Simply Divine, and I have finally had a chance to peruse its fine pages. It’s a very nice book, actually! Lots of British-type recipes and nothing totally earthshattering, but everything seems realistic and elegant, and there are lots of useful and practical tips on things like flower arranging and whatnot. I don’t know, I like it! Lots of Giggyness, too.

Let’s hop to it before I get in trouble with the Mister! (Although since I’m the one the baby threw up all over tonight really I think I’m the worse off. He really hates painting, though.)

We resume right where we left off, with Camille letting Tay Have It about honesty. Come to Jesus, indeed! Camille, as we recall, cautioned Taylor not to be too encouraging about getting everything out in the open, because Tay TOLD us things (note the emphasis on TOLD) about her marriage, namely the violence, so maybe she doesn’t want to be all calling people out for not being sufficiently honest when she’s fudging and futzing right and left. Here Tay tells them all day long how awful Russell is, and yet there are no signs of physical abuse to be seen and she goes farting around all Happy Family and everyone’s supposed to Act Normal. Are we supposed to like Russell, or not like Russell, and which day of the week is for what? Camille, honey, therein lies the question. “That’s really uncool,” says Tay. “Yeah, really uncool,” retorts Camille, “but you set it up! You need to be honest, because THAT’S not cool.” And she grabs her big bag o’ loot and is out of there. Please take me with you, Camille.

And just like that, her head swivels like Linda Blair and Tay’s all good with Lisa! It seems she can only handle one Outs at a time, and it’s Camille’s turn to be on them, so let’s make up. Lisa was confused by Tay, and Tay gets it, we’re cool! Because Tay needed Lisa! And Lisa just didn’t know how strong her need really was! It’s like a Gordon Lightfoot song and Kyle’s eyes are rolling clear back in her head. Tay and Lisa hold hands, apologize to each other, tell each other how much they mutually need each other, Tay’s brave, Lisa’s humble, they pinky swear, kiss, and the sweet strains of Endless Love fill the Chateau Pump. Sister love is a beautiful thing. This is Resolution.

Let’s get the hell out of here and see what’s going on with Kim out west, shall we? Apparently this isn’t the Brady house, it’s The Bear’s, and that may be the back of Kim’s abandoned craphouse just next door. How convenient! Why move? The Bear has his crappy twisted-metal art fair “Golden Gate Bridge” sculpture leaning against the back of his hideous brocade couch, and they are considering its artistic merits. Which are NONE, Kim! But that doesn’t stop our Kim, she’s a meowing Arabian horse, that girl, and finds just the perfect spot to hang that special piece right over the fireplace, from a rafter so it can poke someone just the right height in the eye. I am starting to think these two may be perfect for each other.

Moving on, Faye Resnick’s stopping by Kyle’s with “a couple of things” for decorating, which are really one giant Thing and some fabric samples. A fuzzy rat shoots out of nowhere to greet her at the door, which happened to me at a TGI Fridays just off Michigan Avenue in Chicago one time, which is what I get for eating at a TGI Fridays just off Michigan Avenue. Kyle tells Faye about the Mad Pumper’s Tea Party, which is a nice chance for Faye, who has been working with “the issue” for 19 years (because as we know, she was Nicole Brown Simpson’s best friend) to help us get some clarity on Tay’s confusing behavior. Is she seeking attention, or is she embarrassed? Or is she really afraid Russell’s going to find out she’s been telling people he’s violent with her? Because whether he is or isn’t really beating her, that’s NOT going to go well, fo sho. The bottom line, decrees Faye, is that Kyle needs to love her like she does, because she’s been such a good friend to Tay. Sister love is a beautiful thing.