REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 11/21/11

God, it’s been a while since we’ve been to Villa Blanca, let’s go, shall we! Lisa’s considering vintages behind the counter when the lovely Pandora sashays in with her chosen bridesmaid’s dress. It is bubble gum pink chiffon, strapless, with a sparkly leaf applique at the waist. It’s flowy and forgiving, if promlike. It seems Pandy’s bachelorette party is going to take place in Vegas, because one of Lisa’s oldest friends, the creator of Planet Hollywood, is going to host. Do Arnold and Bruce and Demi hang out there all the time? That’s what I’ve heard! I suppose it’s much easier with just one location than back in the days when Bruce would be jamming with his band at PH Topeka, and Arnold would be fondling the coat check girl at PH Branson. Much more star power now that it’s concentrated in Vegas. Anyway, the bachelorette party’s going to be a blast, and Mom just has to go! Good grief, Linus, I can’t imagine anyone who would have been less fun at my bachelorette party than my mother. My dad would have been another story. Anyway, Lisa demurs, says she doesn’t want to hang out with 25 year olds or see the chipmunks in action, because she might never come back! But oh mummy, you just must, pleads Pandy, and oh alright, Lisa’s got nothing better to do than gyrate around with a bunch of naked men. Let’s do it, says The Pump! Whee! Pack your constricting pink frocks, ladies, we’re headed to Sin City!

Across town, Kyle and Adrienne get together for a sit-down with Camille at the Farm at Beverly Hills (the what of where?) to come to Jesus with Jesus about the Tea Party Tempest. Adrienne, who’s kind of a vegetarian, is going to have the veggie burger, while Camille’s having a Coke and crispy chicken fingers, or as Kyle calls it, a Happy Meal! Best line of the night, that’s why Kyle and I are friends. Does it come with a Toy for Lady, perhaps from the Bedroom Kandi line? Anyway, Camille feels terrible. She’s texted Tay three or four times but is getting no answer. But really, it’s Tay’s fault, anyway, because she “goated” Camille into saying something she didn’t want Camille to say. I get it, I get “goated” about daily around this place and all kinds of stuff just blurts out. “When you hear something like that,” says Camille, “you want to reach out and help them.” Well, you sure helped, Camille. “If she doesn’t want us involved, she shouldn’t say anything,” agrees Adrienne, who is NOT, repeat NOT, Kennedy’s godmother. “Leave it to the professionals.” I do think everyone would be better off with the Armstrongs getting adequate professional help.

Enough of all that side chatter, let’s get down to why we came tonight, and that’s for Kennedy’s Kountry Fair! We know we’ve arrived because there’s OK Corral music, and buffalo! And wagons! Well, I’ll be honest and say I was wondering if we’d taken a wrong turn and ended up on Top Chef Texas, but thankfully here’s our host in a skimpy pair of shorts, with boots because she is cowgirled up, accompanied by her oh-so-delighted toddlers in tiaras. We’re at the Saddle Rock Ranch in Malibu, which is apparently a winery and a really perfect atmosphere for the Kountry Fair because, you know, there are big rocks, and all those buffalo. Tay’s got things all lined up and the events include:

· a petting zoo (someone’s foot is going to get peed on by a goat, I guarantee it. Happens to my niece every time she visits Lambs’ Farm)
· pony rides
· a mechanical bull!
· fish tacos! Because nothing says cowboy grub like a good fish taco
· bounce houses
· a trackless train
· firemen, now available for rent as party entertainment due to the State of California budget crisis!
· the Fantastic Fig, with a cat on his shoulder!
· AND: Ace Young from American Idol!

Well hot damn this ought to be a real hoedown! But no camel! Where’s the camel? Things are off to a rough start because Boomer is missing, everything’s late, including Dana who’s decked out like Annie Oakley in her blue boots and early-90’s skintight cutoff bermudas, and no one can find the children’s tables. But it’s not Dana’s fault because all she did was the entertainment, and, well, arrange the Unwinged Horse Cake. Everything else is assistant Julie’s fault, and also whoever made the idiot choice to stage a three-ring circus in the middle of nowhere and nothing. This is what Chuck E. Cheese is for! Insta-parties and mob violence!