REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 11/21/11

Anyway, it’s a hot mess until Dana steps in and starts slugging chairs into a semblance of order. At least one of these ladies can do some real work beyond bossing people around! By the time the valets are parking cars and people are arriving with their giant teddy bears (thank you so much for the really thoughtful gift. Really.), Tay’s changed into a feather skirt, fringe vest, and five giant rings, and is flirting relentlessly with the talented Ace, who teases that she should eat him up. Apparently he’s seen her with the cotton candy. Bon appetite mon frère!

While Tay’s half naked like Pocahontas, Kyle shows up in a turtleneck, jeans, poncho, long johns, wool cowboy hat, knee socks, legwarmers, and an extra bra to keep the nips in check. Flopsy is wearing an Ashley Holmes buttmonkey snood, which foreshadows a lot of black talk and disrespect to come in the Umansky household. Adrienne arrives similarly Kyle-attired and weather-averse, while Dr. Paul’s in his usual off-duty nylon golf shirt and mom jeans. They actually brought their kids! The little Oof-If’s faces are blurred and it has an overall effect of Blanket Jackson times three. Who else is there?…Brandi, who’s now in a boot and clinging like a little old lady onto friend Cari, who seems really, really, so very excited to be there, and wow! Kim’s here! In a blazer. A blazer always pulls a look together, and says I’m Sober.

A few things we learn from the Kountry Fair: Kyle can do splits on a table but can’t mount a mechanical bull. Kim, however, leaps aboard gazelle-like, if a brittle gazelle. I think we have our next Boniva spokeswoman all lined up. Once mounted, she’s not bad. I’d like to see a Bull-Off between her and Alexis Bellino. Portia, the Poo Poo Detective, can spot a turd and name its animal origin from ten feet. Dana “just learned about cowboy stuff” when she bought her boots (which match her Birkin nicely), while Kim expects all horses to kneel for her like those at Disney. Kim still hates Brandi and is employing Big Kathy’s technique of Ignore to deal with her. Mauricio wears the pants, but Kyle decides the color and size. Adrienne’s mad at Lisa for having Pandy’s bachelorette party at Planet Hollywood rather than the Palms, because PH is a competitor. Oh honey, not really, and if I had a choice in the matter I’d pick the Palms so I hope that makes you feel better. Oh, and Kennedy is having a REALLY GOOD TIME.

We’re going to have to talk about this for a little bit. I don’t want to, I really think it’s not fair to talk about the kids, but seriously. We’re now at extravagant party #2 that this child has pouted her way through like she ate a breakfast of lemons with vinegar syrup. She’s having so much fun! declares Tay, while Kennedy, perched on her shoulder, gives enough mule lip that a buzzard is going to land on it and poop in her mouth. She gets physically dragged to meet Ace and hides behind her mother’s clanky left toothpick while the other child throws herself at Ace in a clinging embrace. (This may actually have been a wise choice as Ace appeared near boots up long before he mounted the stage with cocktail in hand. Strangers can be danger, and our Kennedy knows it.) She scowls when presented with her Unwinged Horse Confection and elbows her neighbor rather assertively. She appears completely unmoved by the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the performance of the Song for Kennedy by Ace Young and the Dana’s Stepson Band, which was composed in one short 17-minute period on a basement Fun Machine and goes like this:

Oh Kennedy
You’re a Schmennady
And it’s your biiiirthday!
There are butterflies
In Batman’s eyes
And Robin laid an eeeeeegggg!

Oh, my, that was moving. My soul has shifted. I am feeling all verklempt about it, what mother wouldn’t? And then, with much fanfare and a blast of trumpets, The Horse for Kennedy, arrives, like the denouement of a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Good thing that Russell has a sense of timing! Dana pronounces The Horse for Kennedy the worst idea, and she’s totally right. I want a donkey so I can name it Honkey, but I can hardly manage my pair of pugs so I really have no business venturing into equine management. I know my limits, and I have to accept them, that’s all there is to it. As Dana wisely advised, if the Armstrongs can’t handle the commitment of a Bichon Frise, I daresay it bodes ill for the Horse for Kennedy.

Next time: Brandi suggests the girls hire a porn star to give them BJ lessons! Adrienne tells Lisa she’s mad, and Taylor has an awkward run-in with Camille. Till then, go redecorate your dining room! There’s PLENTY of time!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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