Why hello! If you are actually reading this you must be looking for something to make last night’s knock-down, drag-out b*tch-o-rama just a tad less distasteful, and I promise to do my best but can’t promise much. First:
· ALERT! ALERT! Kim Richards has checked herself into rehab! At this time of year chances are good she’s in my hood, so if I have or hear of a sighting I’ll let you know. To my knowledge our local rehabs don’t do field trips like Celebrity Rehab’s beach day, but the truth of the matter is I haven’t been paying a lot of attention, so it’s possible. In all seriousness, anyone seeking help should be applauded, and given the time of year it would appear either (a) Kim’s getting serious about this, (b) Kim’s family has hit their limit, or (c) this is tied into the end of the season for attention purposes, which is an appallingly cynical thought but I can’t help it. No word yet on what The Bear thinks about losing his roommate. I, for one, am pretty sure she’s not coming back. Sorry, Bear.
· In other news, Taylor Armstrong has written a memoir and it will be published this spring.
· In keeping with the She by Sheree fashion line, it seems that the Chateau by Sheree luxury residence is also a design failing to come to fruition. Per public records, Sheree’s mother is the actual owner of the property and no construction is underway for the house meant to be complete by the end of 2011. They better hurry up! Santa Claus is coming to town!
· Phaedra, currently my favorite housewife, has been defending her birthday gift to Kandi of the RiDonkulousDick or whatever his name is. Come on, people, (no pun intended). What are you supposed to get a budding sex toy manufacturer? He gives me the willies, but it seems like a sex curiosity for someone curious about sex curiosities is really a very thoughtful gift!
· Victoria Gotti, daughter of some old dead mobster, is filming The Apprentice with Teresa Guidice, and based upon comments she made to Wendy Williams it sounds like they fought a lot, and Teresa may already have gotten fired. Which is just stunning news.
· And finally, there are a whole bunch of photos trolling the internets of Ramona and Sonja on vacation in Miami and letting it all hang out in their swimwear. I was a little surprised by this because last I heard Sonja had turned on The Moan, but perhaps they have made up. Or perhaps something far more intriguing is afoot, as in at least one photo Ramona’s husband, Mario, appears to be either biting Sonja on the butt or sniffing her fart. Very Gravity’s Rainbow, that.
Let’s get on with it, shall we?
The symphony swells and we’re presented with set tables on the tennis court, and for a second I thought we’d leapt ahead through time and space to Pandora’s Big Day! But no, we’re just considering table settings and phew. There’s lots of pink, sparkly hearts, and the shiniest set of Francis I I have ever seen. I’m going to have to talk to Franck about his polish, because it’s just exceptional. (And also about his toupee. I don’t want to seem culturally unaware, but do Asians bald? I can’t recall ever seeing a balding Asian. But they must because our Franck has one hell of an overcompensating hairpiece sitting a bit off kilter on his noggin, and I can’t think of another reason for it to be there.) All right, anyway: Lisa, Pandora, and Valerie, the Mother-In-Law-To-Be, arrive to check things out. They don’t like King Arthur’s Table (too Renaissance Faire), but they love the pile of pink flowers stolen from the Rose Bowl Parade, and the canopy. Pandy loves the pink linens, but Lisa (who is carrying her purse around – who carries their handbag around their own home?) doesn’t like the gold goblets, despite the fact that she’s sipping Villa Blanca champagne rose from her very own gold flute. That woman is confusing. She’s also wearing what’s supposedly a “day dress” (her signature silhouette, in black) with diamonte shoe clips on the neckline and a rather extravagant diamond necklace. I was always taught that pearls are for day, diamonds for night. Lisa just makes up her own rules, I guess, and changes them all the time. C’est la vie! Anyway, after moving the pink napkin to the “more crispier” white tableclothed table, Lisa declares the setting arranged and threatens to shove the VanderPump up Franck’s ass for not having gotten it right the first time himself. That’s the last time he’ll mess this nightmare up, mark my words.
OK, let’s regroup across town with Kyle, who’s escorting her MIL, Estella, for her last post-op visit to Dr. If, and apparently today’s Birkin color is brown. I’ve been worried about Estella but clearly I need not have, because she looks fabulous! Truly renewed, as Ramona would say, and none of the shiny-skinned, perpetually terrified expression of Lynne Curtin’s OC facelift. When I need a boost I am going to the BH, no shortcuts. Kyle’s wearing a fedora and looks oddly like Agent P, otherwise known as Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb. Estella has just one droopy spot that Dr. Paul’s going to fix with just a wee little injection of filler, and he offers the rest to Kyle which she just a bit too energetically declines. Lips don’t lie, honey! That bottom lip is telling some tales out of school, my friend, and you just aren’t keeping up.
Meanwhile, at Nic’s, Adrienne and Brandi are getting together for a very garlicky pizza to talk about the plans for Brandi’s impending disaster. It seems Adrienne sent Brandi a pair of her new Maloof Hoofs, so they must really be friends because Adrienne is selling those things for $1500 a pair! I am pretty sure they have something very similar at Aldo (just checked, yes they do, $80) so Brandi is sure going to be a fancy gal once that boot gets off and she can be done with gimping around. Brandi is returning the love to Miss A by taking a shower! Her hair’s washed and brushed for once, and she’s done her liquid eyeliner all catwing-y which doesn’t look good on LC or anyone else, for that matter. But she’s clean, and you’ve got to be clean. Adrienne, meanwhile, is beige. Maybe she’s trying to be invisible. Anyway, Brandi has a new idea for the fellatio-training party and now it’s going to be belly dancing, which is a much better concept. Adrienne’s concerned that having both Taylor and Camille there will be awkward, and this is FORESHADOWING.
Great post Elizabeth!!