REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 12/12/11

Howdy doody! I hope your week has started better than mine – I’ve spent today herding a turtle with strep throat and making holiday treats for the teachers, and now the Mister is eating them! Dammit, you can’t eat the teacher treats! If it isn’t one thing… I wonder what’s going on with those crazy Housewives?

· Jill Zarin, ex-Housewife and now Nothing, has been threatened with a lawsuit by none other than Ms. Barbra Streisand! It seems Jill attended an event at which Babs performed, then posted a video she took with her cell phone on YouTube. What a butthead. The NY Post also reported that Jill tried to get a restaurant to comp her recent birthday party, but there were no takers.

· Apparently Kim Richards’ recent detour to rehab was at the behest of Bravo. Since Russell Armstrong’s suicide they are apparently doing everything they can to avoid a repeat, vetting their cast members better and trying to seek help for those who need it. (Although whether this applies to their New Jersey cast remains to be seen. Maximum dementedness seems to be the theme there.) An insider reported to People that the whole “move-in” with The Bear was actually phony, that Kim doesn’t have a home at present and had been staying with a cycle of friends. Very sad.

· P.S. Reports continue to surface that Melissa Gorga really was a stripper! Raise your hand if your opinion of Melissa Gorga would change if she had been a stripper. I thought so.

· Meanwhile, Kyle Richards had a Christmas party last weekend and invited: Camille, Lisa, Dana, Faye…and Gretchen Rossi, NeNe Leakes, and Patti Stanger. WTH? No sign of Taylor, who last week claimed on WWHL that they are great friends and neighbors. Okey doke.

· Aaaaaaaaand finally, Sonja Morgan is now available to cater your event out of her fleet of crotchless toaster ovens. Bon appetit mes frères!

So tonight’s episode is promisingly titled “A Book, a Bachelorette, and a Breakdown”. In other words, more of the same, which may be why things were pretty damn ho-hum. We start things off at Villa Blanca (what a surprise! I didn’t know you’d be here too!) where Tay is meeting Lisa for lunch. Tay’s attired in a natty spotted dick print dress and no makeup, while Lisa’s in her usual peuce girdle. They’ll have what Lisa ordered, thank you, until Tay gets all ballsy and goes off the reservation with a pizza request, of which Lisa quite conspicuously does not partake. So what happened at Brandi’s belly dancing party? Hell if Tay knows, she was so drunk it’s a total blackout. So I guess this means you don’t remember torching up your backwards cigarette, either, hmmm? Only you can prevent forest fires, Taylor Armstrong.

Lisa’s concerned about where all this is going for Tay. Kyle had told her Tay turned it up to 11 at the belly dancing party. It’s nothing but tears and breakdowns as Lisa sees it, and as I see it, too. For her part, Tay’s about to turn 40 and she’s just dunzo with false friends like Camille who only repeat what she says. Taylor’s going to stick with her liquid courage, dammit, and go to Vegas with Lisa to be attacked by killer chipmunks. Kyle’s not coming because Mummy doesn’t want her ruining little Pandy’s party with more attention-seeking acrobatics. Oh, and she has other stuff to do. So it’s just Lisa and Taylor, who would have thunk? Tay sticks Lisa with the check, as rumor has it she’s wont to do.

Meanwhile a bit up the coast, Brandi’s dropped by Camille’s for a sunrise glass of Ramona with Camille and DD. Brandi’s not wearing a bra, as usual, but Camille is and it’s totally the wrong brassiere for that top, which is what happens when you get dressed in the dark. The ladies partake of their adult beverages perched on the wall for a casual recrap of how things went so wrong last we were all together. Tay, they agree, was having an out-of-body experience, and in fact seemed stoned. All glazy-eyed. And we know Brandi knows about drug users! None of these ladies can understand why Tay is blaming Camille, when all Camille did was repeat what Tay herself blabs all over town, and to People magazine. They all agree that Taylor’s the one putting herself and her child in jeopardy. Oh, and that Lisa’s trying to make herself look like the good guy. How’s that? She wasn’t even there! It’s pile on the Brit day, I suppose. But sides have been chosen: Adrienne is taking Camille, DD, Brandi, and Dana to the Palms, and Lisa can have whoever’s left at Planet Hollywood, which as we know is Tay. So very 7th grade.

More central, Adrienne, who seems like a mellow chick but if you ask me is being a bit of a shittake stirrer with this stupid “you can’t go to HIS casino, you have to go to MY casino” baloney, is about to appear on “The Doctors”, starring former Bachelor Dr. Travis Stork, with Dr. Paul in a segment about maintaining good health when you are a power couple. How informative! Has anyone ever seen this show, anyway? Adrienne starts things off in an emerald satin blouse with a giant leopard sash (meow!) and picks an unnecessary fight with Dr. Paul when he tries to slip his scrubs into her duffle bag rather than pack himself a murse. Paul’s wearing a nice suit and tie with early Movember-stage goatee, traditional category. He’s hungry, and per Adrienne this is his own damn fault because she delegates, and Bernie the Enforcer is responsible for breakfast. And probably a whole lot of other favors and necessities. Adrienne may want to read Lisa’s new book, because Lisa advises that if you want to keep those you love close to you, you must make them believe they can’t live without you. I think Dr. Paul and Bernie may have a happily ever after awaiting them shortly at the rate this is going.

Anyway, Dr. Paul wants candy! CANDY NOW! Like Violet Beauregarde with a mustache. Adrienne’s changed into a peacock satin blouse and more subtle belt, and Dr. Paul’s sharing that the secret to his lean physique is multiple small meals of candy, nuts, and popcorn. Adrienne, Dr. Stork asks, are you the more successful of the two of you? Well, yes, says Adrienne, if you consider my significantly superior driving and dieting skills. I don’t know what this whole segment was for except to show that the 1% are Just Like Us, bickering over nonsense.