REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 12/12/11

So back to Vegas. After hoofing it across the whole strip Part-B lands at the Strip House (oh, so funny name you restaurant) where the future Mrs. Jason Sabo is given an assortment of ladylike gifts and they sip wine. Once affixed with the MOB tiara, Lisa looks suitably slutty and can’t quite tip forward enough to wedge herself into the stretch SUV to get over to Rio for the Chipmunks. Backstage they meet the firemen and other erotic fantasy figures of the Chippendales Revue, who explain that the ladies can expect to see some ass but the cocks wear socks. Oh, and ass we do see. What is this, “NYPD Blue”? I went to one bachelorette party in Vegas and we took in the Thunder from Down Under, but I don’t remember seeing any bare butts. Either we went to the wrong show, or they’re turning it up to 11 for the BH 9-ers. And what’s around Tay’s thigh? I swear she’s packin’. Pandy, Lisa, and Tay give some rather awkward Chipmunk lap dances, in which it’s revealed that Lisa may have a donkey booty to rival Phaedra’s (but not possibly Kandi’s). Half terror, half thrill indeed.

Part-A, meanwhile, is tearing it up in the Kingpin Suite, having a Barbie bowl-off and risking secondhand STD transference from the first Real World cast. That stuff can linger! Dana is eating this sh*t up with a spoon. It’s like being royalty, with the best service! In fact, it’s so fancy that she’s brought her $1MM, 125-karat diamond lollipop holder, the perfect accessory for an Ecstasy bender at the klub! And speaking of that, let’s go, because Camille’s GOTTA DANCE! I forgot what a spectacular sight Camille’s dancing can be, but look out because here comes The Glands, tickling Camille’s cleavage and stroking her butt. I swear I could hear bones clanking and joints creaking like Mr. Bone Jangles getting it on with Ole Mrs. Boney Butt before the Glands collapsed on the couch, sweat spots under her fake bazooms. That really happened! She must have gotten ahold of the lollipop. Ohmiword.

Back in LA, thank you baby Jesus, and Kyle’s taking her MIL, Estella, shopping at her sister Kathy Paris Hilton’s Mother Hilton’s secondhand clothing store to find an outfit for The White Party. What the what? I don’t even know where to start with this. Kathy Hilton is the proprietress of a consignment store stuck in a corner next to a nails place, and Kyle thinks this is a nice place to stock up on moldy Julie McCoy costumes she can make her mother-in-law wear in public and on camera? Elder abuse! But guess who Kyle runs into outside? Kim, who has recovered enough from her table-moving neck injury but for some unexplained reason doesn’t want to talk to Estella. Estella seems perfectly happy to see Kim and show her the crappy crap Kyle bought her, so I can’t understand what all that’s about. Kim needs some Sister-Sister time with Kyle, during which she breaks down (oh thank Jesus Christo, El Hombre that it’s not You Know Who this week) because while Chad’s cool her daughters don’t like The Bear. Kyle thinks Kim looks like she’s not eating. I think Kim has some weird puckering of the skin on her temples. Turns out that Ken’s the Boss and is very serious about curfew, just like Tony Danza. Kim likes to think she’s happy because she’s not alone for the first time in 18 years, although shacking up with Mama from “Chicago” may not be all that fulfilling when you get down to it. Kim becomes hysterical and is aging ten-plus years before our very eyes. (Maybe the tears are making her Hydroxytone wear off.) Kyle wants to support Kim in this relationship, but also thinks she really needs to be working on herself. You don’t say!

Next time: It’s Not Puff Daddy’s White Party! Kim needs to watch The Finger, Russell’s going to sue Camille (that’ll go far), and Taylor’s going to get bounced before she even makes it to the door! Until then…

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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