Woo hoo, it’s party time! And wow this is going to be a BLAST! But before we get started let’s sort out what’s what here and there:
· As you may recall, Teresa and Joe Guidice filed for bankruptcy with an $11 million dollar debt just a year or two ago. Not long after that, one of the trustees in their case filed suit, alleging they had fraudulently concealed assets that should have gone to pay their creditors. Joe dropped his bankruptcy filing some time ago, which ended the lawsuit against him; the ongoing case against Teresa was due to go to trial on Friday, but just in the nick of time she too has abandoned their bankruptcy case and is going to pay off her debts with her newfound income, just as she stated on the New Jersey reunion show. Of course, she also told Mr. Andy on said reunion show that she was going to pay off her debts herself because it was the right thing to do, not because she’d otherwise be headed to jail. But whatevs.
· Rumors continue to swirl that Taylor Armstrong is not going to be invited back for the next season of RHOBH. Meanwhile, the mothers of Russell’s two other children have taken their grievances with Tay public, alleging among other things that: Tay did not call Russell’s mother to tell her of his death; she hasn’t let either of his other kids have so much as a memento of their father; she’s obstructing information about his estate (which these ladies don’t seem to expect to amount to much anyway); and sharing their disgust that she is trashing Russell after his death and not giving thought to how his children remember him.
· Aaaand… following in the footsteps of pretty much all her fellow RHOA, Sheree the former aspiring fashion designer and aspiring actress is now going to be a SINGAH! She informed Mr. Andy on Sunday’s WWHL that she has a single recorded titled “Who Gonna Check Me, Boo?” Elegance is learned, my friends!
Alright kids, let’s get it on. It’s time for Kyle’s annual “White Party”, which she’s been having for 16 years or something like that which means Kyle’s White Party predates Puff Daddy’s White Party and is thus the real, original, genuine article White Party. Points for originality! But before we can get our dancing shoes on, Adrienne needs to have a serious talk with Dr. Paul, who’s stymied by loading paper into the printer as it is, about a certain email Camille has received from a certain litigious Mr. Russell Armstrong. It seems Mr. Armstrong has gotten wind of the comments Camille made at the ill-fated tea party, and is threatening to sue Camille for making false, slanderous remarks that can damage his business interests. So now Camille doesn’t want to go to the party, and Adrienne doesn’t want to go to the party, and Paul wants to go to the party but doesn’t want Russell to go to the party, so the obvious answer is that Russell needs to stay home! Because real friends don’t sue each other. Sounds about right to me.
Meanwhile, Lisa is across the street unawares of the threat of litigation and swaying to the sweet sounds of Rouge, the Latin lovemaking musical 20some, who have set up a fully-plugged-in living room audition courtesy of Leslie Chow. Lisa is attired in a bright fuchsia compression tube sock adored with cheap fake Chanel brooches just above each generous bosom. The music is so romantic and enchanting that Jason and Pandy cling to one another in musical harmony while our Lisa rocks Giggy (beadily eyeing Leslie’s shiitake) like an infant in a purple nightdress, sniffs his paws, and bursts into tears, wiping her eyes on the back of Pandy’s cardigan. I tell you, the guests are going to swoon at that wedding.
Alright, let’s get on over to the Omanskys, shall we, where Glenn the Giant Event Whipping Boy is charging out of Kyle’s house with an androgynous teenage gay rights advocate…oh wait! That’s Kyle! Dear God, I nearly mistook her for a member of the Glee cast. The party’s in like, 15 minutes, and the truckload of random white furniture and assorted unwanted chandeliers has only just rolled up. It’s the Kounty Fair all over again! After assigning places for the 300 white ottomans, Kyle shoots up to the ladysitter attic to get her hair burnt off by Vienna Girardi wielding a curling iron. (And let’s just say: the end result looks like Bachelor hair. Not very BH.) Kyle is all worried about her sister Kim bringing The Bear to the party. Honey, you really have no idea what you need to be worried about.
But she’s soon to find out. Adrienne phones Kyle up and Kyle takes the call perched on her white bed, attired in white satin robe, Art Deco lamp and mirror in the background oddly topping what’s really one of the uglier bedside tables I’ve ever laid eyes on. That sh*t looks cheaper than Mexican Import Furniture Warehouse. Adrienne has called, minutes in advance, to forewarn Kyle of the impending disaster that is – ding dong! – just about to ring her doorbell downstairs. Adrienne and Camille have decided that it’s them or Taylor. You know who I would choose!
Elsewhere, Kim’s having a late lunch with her daughters some place that doesn’t look like a home. In fact, it looks conspicuously like a hotel where our Kim may have been filming her one super-extendo ITM in the pink lame straitjacket. Just a thought. Anyhoo, Kim’s daughter Kimberly looks exactly like Kim, but brunette, circa the “Witch Mountain” series. It’s really remarkable. I am wondering if Ian Eisenmann may be her love daddy. Kimberly Jr. also takes after her mother in that last night she took two Nyquil and ended up falling asleep in the shower. Whitney takes after her mother in that she loves a top with the arm slits. Our Kim takes after HER mother, Big Kathy, in that she has got some really tragic old lady arms. Kim Sr., who’s wearing a promise ring, because she’s 47 going on 14, is worried about bringing The Bear to Kyle’s party, just as Kyle was worrying over five minutes ago before she got bigger fish to fry. Kim asks her daughters to keep their nasty opinions about The Bear to themselves or share them with God, who has sadly forsaken The Bear for reasons we have yet to find out. This is definitely moving in a happy family direction.
Enough of that, isn’t it time for the White Party yet? And in a thematically related matter, today I have been visited by the White Tornado! Yes, my mother has arrived for the holidays, and immediately announced that we have a lot of cleaning to do. Why? Because we’re hosting Christmas Eve on Saturday, but before that we have my regular cleaning lady coming on Wednesday morning, followed by the special-assist deep cleaning crew on Wednesday afternoon, who periodically step in to make up for my regular cleaning lady’s (and my, I do contribute) shortcomings. So we’re not only going to clean for the cleaning lady, we’re going to clean for the cleaning lady’s cleaning ladies. And really my house is not that ill-kept. This is all so not BH. I really don’t think Big Kathy ever did this to Kyle. Nonetheless…
Glenn the Party B*tch got that show on the road lickety-split, and the look is in a word “beachy”. Shells, candles, lots of hydrangeas. The chandeliers look for the most part okay, even if I would have gone for silver rather than some of those cheap looking black ones, but no matter. The wocka-wocka music kicks in and the first to clank up the walk is The Glands with her sober companion, Jennifer from Celebrity Rehab. Kyle hasn’t spoken to The Glands since the fiasco at the Malibu beach house, but she’s still invited, which says ohsomuch about how Taylor who will soon be jettisoned fits into all this. DD arrives with Camille, who is costumed as a flasher in a white trench coat. Or maybe it’s not a costume after all… Although the tray was conspicuously NOT OUT when The Glands arrived, DD and Camille, who are among the chosen, are served generous glasses of bubbly in cheap plastic cups. This is Beverly Hills, darling, chi chi chi chi chi!
Who’s that in the tight white pants? Oh, it’s Mr. Lisa, accompanying Lisa who in a real surprise has her hair in a half-up do, best she’s ever looked, at least the hair. Dress a little hippoesque. I might not have even recognized her if it weren’t for the signature hefty cleave. Adrienne strolls up in a similar dress, but in (a) satin, and (b) featuring giant rhinestones that look like Hells Angels studs all up and down the boobies. Scary AND slippery! Dr. Paul, meanwhile, is untucked, which is a big and questionable look for the men tonight.