Happy new year! How did you celebrate? I myself watched Star Wars Episode 3 with three handsome gents and called the police on a suspicious person in the neighborhood. The Glands went out and got drunk, and then got married! Yes, that’s right: she and her buddy – a “mixed martial arts manager”, which sounds very fancy, wonder if he is considering purchasing a red Ferrari – got wasted in Vegas and decided to get hitched on the fly before heading to the Spearmint Rhino for some strippin’. Brandi tweeted to her followers the ladylike announcement that “I’m married again – suuuuuuuuck it!” while her new husband tweeted that they would be seeking a prompt annulment. Ah, love.
Meanwhile, in other news over our two-week Housewives break:
· Joe Guidice was indicted for using false identification and may face 11 years in jail. As you may recall, Joe lost his license after a DUI some time back, so he went and used his brother Barney Rubble’s identification materials to get a new driver’s license and the whole thing got busted. Ooops. But it really wasn’t his fault, just ask Teresa.
· Also, Jacqueline may also have been a stripper. Raise your hand if this changes your opinion of Jacqueline Laurita. [CRICKETS.]
· Fernanda Rocha, the lesbian personal trainer from RHOC, is now confirming old reports that she and Taylor made sweet gay love in a parked car just days before Russell committed suicide. (And no, the two events do not appear to be related.) Poky! Taylor made Fernanda keep quiet about it and now Fernanda feels used, pretty much like everyone else.
· Kim Richards is still in rehab.
· And finally, but most interestingly, just a few days after the broadcast of the last episode of RHOBH in which Taylor and Russell were denied entrance to Kyle’s White Party, a report popped up on Radar Online in which an ‘insider’ ratted out that the whole ejection was beyond the behest of Camille. In fact, Russell was threatening to sue Bravo executives as well, so Mr. Andy decided that was enough and bounced both Armstrongs from the show altogether. AAAAAND, that Taylor then decided that was the last straw and left Russell in order to get back on the show. Priorities, priorities. We’ve all got ‘em.
Let’s get back to business, shall we?