REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/9/12

So let’s get to it, shall we? The Silver Fox himself, Anderson Cooper, is on WWHL tonight and I can’t miss it! I am well aware that I am not his type but I can’t help loving that man. I’ve been smitten since 2002, when he devoted a segment to his show to the end of production of the Chevy Camaro, featuring his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, as his guest. It seems Gloria decided to finally get her driver’s license in her mid-50’s and bought herself a bitching Camaro as her ride of choice. Hilarious stories about picking up Diane Von Furstenberg and Barry Diller at the Hamptons helipad and Diane having to straddle the gearshift, sadly unavailable on YouTube.

The cameras creep up on the Oof-Ifs’ romantic cliffside walk, brought to you by the makers of Cialis. Paul and Adrienne, feet clad in rapper sneaks, walk hand-in-hand for the first time in ten years before kissing passionately as they take in the epic ocean blue. That ole Hawaiian magic! I really expected to hear the soaring “Bachelor” love-is-being-made orchestral theme. But once that’s over Adrienne’s ready to get the hell out of there because it’s all weeds and sure to be full of snakes. Paul assures her that there aren’t snakes on Hawaii. Adrienne is sure there are. I consulted explorebiodiversity.com, which informed me that there is one (1) known snake on Hawaii and it is the Island Blind Snake, often mistaken for a worm. There’s also rumored to be a deadly Sea Snake lurking about, never to be seen, like Bigfoot. Any other snakes have been snuck in illegally and should be confiscated. Sounds like Adrienne may have been technically correct, but her alarm excessive.

Back to the snake-free hotel, where Kim and The Bear have finally arrived. I really don’t get this whole deal – if I was being set up for an all-expense-paid luxury weekend in Hawaii, I’d be at the airport two days early, sitting on my suitcase. Not so Kim and The Bear. And while we’re at it, last week Brandi commented that The Bear looks like a bull mastiff, which someone else (Adrienne?) said was mean. It may be mean, but it’s also accurate. See bullmastiff.com and tell me what you think. So from hereon, The Bear will be called The BM. (I’ve been changing diapers for the last 7 ½ years, that’s how my mind works.)

Kim and The BM have got a super-fancy suite right next door to Kyle and Mauricio’s super-fancy suite, a fact Kyle discovers when she hears the tinkle of Kim’s musical voice out in the hall as she lounges in the living room. Kyle is fully drag-queen made up and wearing a white towel, allowing the wait staff to awkwardly bend-bend-bend to serve her and Mauricio some traditional Hawaiian margaritas. This painful interaction reminds me of the time my husband and I ordered a room service BLT in Vegas after a late arrival; there was some mixup with the bill resulting in overpayment, so seconds after the server departed she knocked – I opened the door – and our female room servant burst into the room to return $40 to my husband, who had managed to completely undress in the mere moments in between. I’m sure she sees this every day in Vegas, but it was quite startling to the two of us.

Anyway, towel-clad Kyle races to the door to peep out the peephole and confirm that is in fact The BM she smelt, before streaking back to put a glass to the wall and listen some more. Kim and The BM enjoy some decadent chocolate-covered pineapple, unawares of the surveillance. And not only do their walls adjoin, but their balconies do, too. How convenient! Kim and The BM take a moment on said balcony to appreciate the fine sea air and talk about ducks. Kim isn’t interested in talking to her hostess, Kyle – she has been ignoring her and taking time for herself. And she’s gonna do it some more, dammit! Kyle’s already mad that they didn’t knock on the door to say hello. The fun is just beginning.

Down the hall in the Pumps’ suite, which is very nice but considerably smaller and less glam than those of the Richards Chicks, Ken’s getting dolled up in a shiny black shirt, untucked and unbuttoned to his navel, and patting down the backwards toupee with a colossal paddle brush, otherwise employed in S&M. After packing herself into a pea green sausage casing with exposed pink brassiere, Lisa and Mr. Lisa are joined by the Umanskys, he in shiny white tennies and ankle socks, she in a heap of bedazzled toilet paper. Kyle tells Lisa that Kim and The BM have arrived and checked in right next door. “Will you hear them humping?” asks Lisa. If she does I hope she keeps it to herself, thankyouverymuch.

The conch horn blows and out we go to Mauricio’s ocean view birthday dinner. Brandi giraffes up in a lipstick pink dress that needs the straps shortened, carrying a random brown day bag that just doesn’t go. Lisa has decided that after it all, she likes Brandi despite her rumored close association with “the C word”, that being “Cedric”. “You’re hijacking my color,” announces Lisa, as The Glands hurls herself at Mr. Lisa who cowers in the face of attack. Camille arrives in a pristine white knit sheath, while Adrienne is looking her best ever in an aqua Grecian maxidress. “As soon as I blow, follow me,” instructs the conch horner. “That’s what they all say,” replies Brandi. I think Brandi and Steve may need to meet.