The group gets settled under the seaside ramada and here comes Kim and The BM, late again. Kim’s wearing the orange and brown striped upholstery from The BM’s old couch, while he’s attired in a black Tommy Bahama shirt featuring Polynesian ladies and the words “Bloody Mary”, which conveys an edgy Aloha spirit, indeed. Kim’s carrying the same anachronistic day bag as Brandi. Hope they don’t get them mixed up or everyone’s in for a big surprise! “Look at your lei,” says Kim. “No, you’re my lay,” says The BM. So klassy! Bet they’ve been humping!
So: Kim and The BM are late, again, after being late in the first place. Why were they late? Because The BM was working. Even though he’s retired, he has to “go in” one day a week and the day they were leaving was the day, or so says Kim who’s making it all up because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Mauricio isn’t having any of this nonsense, and The BM is shaking and shuddering under the table like he’s holding something in, which is making Camille, who suffers from IBS and is wearing white, very very nervous. Kim’s over it, won’t discuss it anymore, and then starts snarking on Kyle and Mauricio’s affection for each other. Hey, girl, maybe your lateness is a beaten horse, but being rude to your hosts isn’t going to set things straight. If you didn’t want to be there, you shouldn’t have gone!
So to change the subject, Kyle informs the assembled that Taylor has left Russell. “Because she wants to come to the next dinner,” says Kim. Pretty much, yeah, if RadarOnline is to be believed. Paul gives the separation two weeks, but Mr. Lisa thinks this is the real deal. Camille’s not so sure because Tay told her she was leaving Russell before, on that very day, and we all know that didn’t happen. Kim’s bored, yawning, rolling her eyes. Good grief, who wants to take a surly teenager to Hawaii? Not me.
After a pile of poo in a cup made of avocado is served, Paul rises to make a toast to Adrienne, which is totally random since it’s Mauricio’s birthday and Adrienne doesn’t have anything to do with anything here. Adrienne responds by giving Paul a chaste peck, and when the crowd boos follows up with an open mouthed tongue lashing. Camille is uncomfortable. The Glands is SURE those two get freaky with extra people of all varieties behind closed doors. She’s reading something into this that I just don’t see, but that’s how her brain works. Meanwhile, Kim suggests The BM get a coffee so he can rub her all night, which makes Kyle start to retch. “You can’t change it, so separate yourself,” advises Lisa. In other words, why did you invite her? After Mauricio makes a toast to “truth” and lays into Kim and The BM again for failing to fess up to the real circumstances behind their being tardy to the party, the tension overtakes things and we all just give up.
Day 3 of the trip dawns with the crew on a fat bus, waiting for Kim and The BM to get their hung over a**es out of bed so they can take their catamaran cruise. After 20 minutes of waiting, Kyle and Lisa take matters into their own hands and head back in to round them up. With no response in the hall, they take advantage of the adjacent terraces by climbing the divider and going to pound on the sliding glass door to the bedroom. Lisa’s a little nervous about this approach because she doesn’t want to see Kim and The BM humping. “Nobody calls it that,” says Kyle. “Well I do,” says Lisa. I may have to start calling it that too, at least for this recap. And I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised after all those splits but that Kyle sure is nimble, whereas Lisa gets her donkey booty wedged into the low spot on the wall and they almost have to leave her there, bearing unwilling witness to humping. Thank God for WD-40.
The glass door is locked but Kyle gets someone’s attention as evidenced by the plantation shutter sliding back and forth on its track. The ladies leap back over the wall and return to pounding the front door, which Kim opens and hides behind. They are late because the alarm didn’t go off so they thought they’d sleep all day like pubescent delinquents. Ken just has to find Kim’s bikini bottoms and they’ll be ready.
You are hilarious! Your recap had me laughing out loud and reading excerpts to my husband. I have never watch any of the real housewives shows, and don’t even know who is on them. I have seen a few of the women when they make appearances on talk shows, but that is the extend of my knowledge. I just started reading your column because I’ve been reading RS for a couple of years and was just checking out his new writers when he expanded his site. You are by far the best, head and shoulders above RS (I’ve never bothered to login before or make any comments to his column). I hope he’s not jealous of your talent! You are a fantastic writer and are incredibly funny! Keep it up–I absolutely love your column and don’t care if I ever see the show!
Great recap! And where did Kim find The BM? Retired? Really? From what? LOL
I love your recaps!! You’re hysterical and i look so forward to Tuesday mornings to read your take on these dodo people. Thanks for taking the time!!