REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/16/12

Here comes Bernie the Enforcer, trying hard to compensate for his active dislike of Lisa, whereas Lisa has no idea who he is, which is funny. Bernie is accompanied by a pimp in a head-to-toe plaid suit and cocky chapeau. If he sits on a plaid couch he’ll be invisible! Camille arrives in a red one-shoulder cocktail dress that is the less-trampy version of Shawntel’s failed rose ceremony ensemble, accompanied by Mark Consuelos and a gal with an 80’s cocker spaniel hairdon’t. And just to make things really special, it seems one of the waitstaff used to knock boots with Mr. LeAnn Rimes back when he was married to Brandi. Said waitress, Scheana, is sent home by Lisa to get tested for VD and crabs. Don’t come back until you’ve washed your hands, please.

The Umanskys are here! The Umanskys are here! Kyle is clad in black, with feathers! And hefty cleave! And legs! And no butterfly clip, thankyouverymuch! Kyle and Lisa reunite and catch up on what’s gone on since last they were together. It seems Kim is totally ignoring Kyle – she and The BM stayed in Hawaii after everyone else left, and since then is not responding to Kyle’s texts. Probably because Kim doesn’t have anything good to say and isn’t super excited about getting an “I told you so” from her sister. It seems The BM is a bit controlling – he wants to know what she’s wearing, where she’s going, and God forbid she doesn’t answer the phone. He also packs for her, including nylons; if I asked the mister to pack me some “nylons” I am pretty sure I’d end up with some form of cord from Home Depot. Kim’s so unenthused about seeing Kyle that she’s still at the bordello, stalling by proposing they play that party game where you put on an entire box full of random clothes and go run an obstacle course.

Let’s leave this ghastly notell motel and get back to the drag queens at SUR, shall we? The pimp turns out to be RuPaul, who’s friends with Adrienne! Who would have thought. RuPaul informs Dr. If that we’re all born naked, and the rest is “drag”. I have no idea what that means but it sounds profound. I’m still trying to sort all this out when The C Word, Cedric, strolls in with his “friend”, Jennifer, on his arm. Jennifer looks very familiar. Was she a past contestant on The Bachelor? Lisa is astounded that Cedric had the nerve to come, but what does she expect from the Bravo producers? “This is my party, and you are not invited,” she decrees. “I don’t wish you any harm – I don’t wish you anything at all. We’re done. Go.” And amidst lots of air kisses The C Word departs. That was much ado about nothing if you ask me.

Across town it’s now dark, and Tay’s finally getting ready to roll out accompanied by her date for the evening, Dr. Sophy, the sockless osteopath. After showing Dr. Sophy lil’ Kennedy’s rather lengthy reward chart, Tay sheds a few tears before bravely heading off to return to television. Tay’s right eye is obviously a bit messed up and she’s wearing the same dress as Camille, but in leopard. Rrrrrrr!

After scrounging the bathroom floor for pills and giving the camera a butt shot, Kim and The BM are finally rolling in the Bravo limousine. “I love buttons,” announces Kim, before sorting through the limo garbage to find an empty cocaine baggie and a kleenex full of poop. The BM is trying to contain her like The Geek in Sixteen Candles with his conquest in the Rolls. “Late again, yeeeeeaaaaaah.” says Kim. That’s about right. Kim’s a Virgo, see, so she has anxiety and sometimes just has to stop, so that’s why she’s late all the time. I’m a Virgo too and have no such problems, so I’d pin it on the pills and booze, myself. But anyway.