REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 1/23/12

The curtain parts and we find ourselves at the Chateau Pump, where a colossal white tent is being erected on the tennis court. It seems Lisa and Pandora did not want a tent the complete size of the court, as that would take away from the “intimacy” of the event being filmed for national television, so instead they chose a tent that came about 10 feet short from one end. Makes a really big difference. Various worker men are precariously balanced on ladders using long poles to hang strings of white clustery things from the ceiling. They look like balls of used kleenex to me.

Where’s Franck? Not here, that’s for sure, and Lisa’s none to happy that he’s not vigilantly supervising this one million dollar wedding being paid for by Bravo. His able assistant assures Lisa that Franck will return in time for the event itself, but Lisa’s unconvinced. Pandora and her Maid of Honor, Annabel of London, come on down and can’t believe how fabulous everything looks. You’d never know it was a tennis court if it weren’t for the denetted post that Lisa’s now using as a stripper pole.

Elsewhere, Adrienne has accompanied Paul to the gastroenterologist, because he needs a colonoscopy. Is this his first, or his fourth? Adrienne needs to argue about it and WHO CARES! It certainly seems like his first seeing as he doesn’t know what to do with the enema for prep and asks Adrienne to come into the bathroom and help him, and the hell if she’s doing that. My parents were married 40 years and were never once in the bathroom at the same time, so maybe Adrienne’s position on enema administration is justified. Plus she might get her fabulous outfit messed up – Adrienne is attired in a red print off-the-shoulder blouse tightly fastened with a massive belt, over skintight Shake Shack pants and hooker shoes, which is what I always wear when I go to provide moral support to someone getting a television camera put up his behind. Anyway, Paul gets ‘er done and gets a positive report on his healthy, beautiful colon, after which we are treated to extended footage of a slightly sedated Dr. If releasing the “air” that was “put into his colon”, Paul uttering a weak “oh no” before each squeaky fart. This, my friends, was my favorite segment of the whole season. Paul’s not embarrassed to be farting on camera – even Adrienne has “air come out” after she gets a colonoscopy, he informs us. I’m pretty sure Adrienne’s air is not coming out and that’s what’s puffing up her philtrum.

Back to the Chateau Pump where morning has broken on an ugly cluster of fake birds and a pile of roses the color of feminine hygiene product packaging. The $9500 cake is arriving, and Lisa, who’s wearing a wife beater over a pink brassiere and has a big clip in her hair, advises the attendants to be careful because she hears the cake is really heavy. Uh, yeah, say the workers actually carrying said burdensome pastry. Not so much for Mr. Lisa’s who’s indelicately toting the teeny top layer while Lisa yells at him. The cake still has to be assembled and there’s some question about how it was supposed to be decorated. Franck’s assistant decides they should just cover it in fresh flowers and forget about it. Sounds good to me.

Across town, we get a shot of the back of Kyle’s fancy new house, which needs a little attention if you ask me. No shutters, no landscaping, just a bunch of decent looking Costco patio furniture. I don’t know, some pots or something? And maybe a little window trim? Anyway, what are the Umasnkys going to wear? Kyle could opt for the comfortable black caftan, or the sleek red gown, but Mauricio thinks she should wear the peuce number with the metal bars on the halter neckline to help hold her boulders. It’s a bit space-age, but Kyle’s a modern woman, so I suppose it’ll work. Mauricio, however, does not have a tuxedo. Doesn’t he own a tuxedo? A grown man should, but I guess in the BH they wear untucked white linen blouses and mandals to all their formal occasions. Mauricio is going to have to improvise with his navy Dolce suit, which looks black anyway. Don’t tell Lisa! She’ll have a cow!

Up the coast in Malibu, Camille’s friend Elizabeth, who isn’t me, is helping her choose her outfit for this gala affair. Camille could opt for a black snakeskin-print Pamella Dennis, or a purple Barney number featuring a hot pink lining (“Vanderfabulous” indeed), or some other black thing that’s at least been cleaned. Camille decides to go with the snake suit. Camille is contemplating the day her Mason, now 10, ties the knot. Camille will have a hard time letting her go. I think she’s going to have a harder time dealing with Frasier on the big day, but no need worrying about that until push comes to shove. For now she’s got to get this divorce settled, and other than that things are good with our Camille, as she’s taken up with a sexy Greek named Dimitri, and he’s hot! How nice things work out in the end.