You can always read a lot into what’s to come in a reunion based on who is seated on which couch. Tonight we have Camille (clad in a red cowl-necked silk sheath) and Lisa (in a black velvet Dynasty castoff with a door knockers at ears and throat) on The Left, and Kyle (attired in a red kimono), Taylor (packed into a cement colored sock), and Adrienne (wearing a purple circus tent with a mammoth blue sleeve) on The Right, with our ever perky Mr. Andy in the middle as arbitrator. The teams aligned, instantly a few themes emerge:
1) Lisa is a big fat meanie.
2) Taylor has been suffering.
3) Camille has a lot more to say about things than she may have let on during the season.
Let’s take it from the top, shall we?
Lisa is a Big Fat Meanie
Mr. Andy starts off easy with a few throwaways about Adrienne soaping up the chicken (which sounds like a phrase of which Dr. Joycelyn Elders would disapprove) and Lisa’s donkeybooty. Lisa asserts that her booty contains the same donkey, she’s just wearing tighter dresses. Or perhaps, to paraphrase Wooderson, her booty keeps getting bigger, and her dresses are staying the same size. Either, neither. Mr. Andy then asks about Pandora’s Fabulous Wedding and the question of the tiara, which naturally leads into an opportunity to discuss why Lisa and Adrienne are no longer friends.
Adrienne shares that her feelings were hurt when Lisa called her dog Jackpot “Crackpot”, and her shoe “the Maloof Hoof”. She acknowledges that she misconstrued the remarks as hurtful. Mmm, no, what you did was have a petty overreaction to Lisa’s idea of British punny humor. I personally happen to have rather small (size 6) feet, and about 20 years ago my dear dad observed that in heeled boots my feet look like hooves. And by God, they do. I accept it, I live with it, and if I can live with actually HAVING hooves you would think that ridiculous Adrienne would be able to let a silly play on words slide past her. But no, and she’s also still mad about the stupid bachelorette party thing, even though (a) Lisa had nothing to do with planning it, and (b) no one has yet acknowledged exactly how Lisa was supposed to turn away her Planet Hollywood friend’s very generous offer to host and bankroll the entire affair without insulting THAT person. He offered, and offered first, end of discussion. Lisa doesn’t have time for this ridiculous crap, and neither do I.
But Adrienne’s still upset. How would Lisa feel if she called Villa Blanca “Villa Caca”? Somehow calling a restaurant “House of Sh*t” plays out differently than “Maloof Little Fat Shoe”, but Camille thinks it was mean, so maybe it was? I don’t know, Lisa just insists she didn’t mean it that way and for that matter thinks the shoes are beautiful and in fact wants the pink ones. “It’s nude,” glowers Adrienne. And now there’s another thing. Sigh.
Kyle’s opinion, as one of Lisa’s best best best friends, is that the two of them – Lisa and Adrienne – are polar opposites, and yet they are competitive queen bees, and there’s more to this than meets the eye. What the hell does that mean? Well, Kyle also thinks Lisa has been condescending to her by making fun of her doing the splits. Girl, get ahold of yourself. When you are 44 years old and do the splits on a table in the middle of a party, or in front of one person in private, for that matter, you MUST be made fun of. A whole chicken-and-the-egg discussion follows about whether Kyle said Lisa “preys on the weak” before or after Lisa called Kyle “desperate for attention”, and which comment was in retaliation for what. I lost track.
Great recap as always! Thanks!