REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – 2/25/13

Kimmy’s swinging by Kyle’s house and thank God the White Party is over. I don’t know why Kyle hasn’t figured out that the whole theme is cheeseballs at this point. So very Puff Daddy with the umbrella man. Kimmy’s got some very big sunglasses on that new nose which makes my bridge ache for her. “Turtles!” Kimmy shouts, spotting an arrangement of shells on Kyle’s wall. “I love them!” I love turtles, too. And turtles love tomatoes.

Anyway, the reason we’re here is that Kimmy has decided Tay has a drinking problem, under the “takes one to know one” theory, and she’s probably right. Kyle seems to agree, although she doesn’t really want to be the one to do anything about it. I think Kyle needs to figure out that in this whole sisterly-alcoholic situation, her behavior plays a role in how things sort out. It’s not just that Kim’s a drunk and Kyle’s a bystander so Kim needs to fix and Kyle can just watch. Along the same lines, she is reluctant to join Kim’s planned intervention, but since she can’t stand to miss a spectacle decides what the hell.

Off they go to Tay’s and let themselves in. Tay has dog hair again and I want to buy her a deep conditioner and a good brush. Kim gets right down to business and with no preamble tells Tay she thinks she has a drinking problem. Tay tells us, privately, that she doesn’t drink “often” (is “often” code for “before noon”?) but when she does she gets really into it. Her lips are HUGE. Tay agrees that getting sauced is making the stress of her life more manageable these days – if two drinks helps, four will be fantastic! Except not so much the next morning. Tay is confident she can manage her drinking situation on her own, and the sisters accept that that is that. Well alright then!

Over at Chateau Pump, Mr. Lisa is feeding the swans (swans? Are they pets or lawn ornaments?) and keeping them from eating Giggy. Lisa floats out in a white Little House nightgown to ask him to help her pack for St. Tropez. If there was ever a person whose advice does not factor into my packing strategy it’s the mister, but then again the mister is no Mr. Lisa. It seems Mr. Lisa was married before Lisa, the union producing a son named Warren, who is now 45. Egads how old is Mr. Lisa? Said child went on to marry a friend of Lisa’s named Sue, who is shown in an undated photo having a cannonball for a right breast. It was a little weird when Warren married Sue, but now they are all fine so the Pumps are off for a visit.

Meanwhile, Yo is rearranging the patio furniture at Mo’s and hosting a housewarming party. I am unclear whether this is a party for Yo or a party for Mo, but apparently it doesn’t matter because they remain united in some weird Arab-Euro social nicety way that doesn’t seem to bother Mr. Foster. Lisa thinks it’s all very sophisticated. Yo tells Mo that HIS swans won’t stay put – more swans! Where does a person acquire swans, I’d like to know? My local pet food store sells chicks for all the people jumping on the chicken-raising bandwagon – are cygnets next? Can I get one for my pool? I think you need them by the pair.