Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 2/17/15

Before Brandi and Jennifer can discuss why an addiction specialist only seems to associate with current addicts, Brandi’s phone rings. It’s Ken, and he’s calling to invite Brandi to Lisa’s surprise party. Brandi is thrilled to hear from Ken, but she is far less thrilled when he blatantly tells her that he wants her to be on her best behavior at the event. Brandi actually has the audacity to look offended by Ken’s words since she has conveniently blocked out how she helped to turn everyone against Lisa and then announced publicly that Lisa had once been bankrupt.

How dare Ken be direct like that?

But back to Brandi and Jennifer and their discussion about Kim. Though it’s pretty clear that her social choices are rather questionable, it’s also kind of obvious that Jennifer has learned a great deal during her time counseling F-listers on Celebrity Rehab because, after hearing that Kim took a painkiller, she tells Brandi, “taking a pill is called relapsing.” She also inquires about whether or not Kim goes to meetings or to therapy – she doesn’t – and basically says that Kim needs some help.

Over at Eileen’s house, the women have arrived and they sit in the living room and they read the script. It was kind of hard for me to fully pay attention to the dialogue because I was far more entranced by Lisa R.’s reading glasses and waiting for Kim to explode into an emotional inferno, but I think the story involves a sock puppet and a bl*wjob and that means that I’ll watch it when it comes on cable.

After the reading, the women hang out at Eileen’s for a little while. Lisa V. asks to hold Eileen’s Emmy and gives a mock acceptance speech about how she earned the award by sleeping her way to the top, but there’s only so much time allotted to silliness and joy when Kim is in a room. A walking and talking manifestation of haunted and hunted misery, Kim talks about how hard it has been watching her ex-husband’s declining health and that Brandi has been there for her as she has experienced all of her recent pain.

The Brandi acknowledgment rattles Kyle, and she says, “For whatever reason, Kim turned to Brandi instead of me. How can I be there for her if I don’t even know what’s going on?” And that, Kyle, is exactly why Kim is turning to Brandi instead of you. You won’t fully believe that Kim’s decline is exclusively about her ex-husband’s health. You will believe that her breakdown is rooted in her addiction. You have heard her tired stories and her convoluted excuses for decades now. Brandi has not, and what that means is that Brandi will believe her and she will be able to get away with being sick because getting healthy takes strength and resolve, neither of which are the defining characteristics of Kim Richards.

Don’t buy my theory? Well, take a second and listen to what Kim said as the women in the room let her know that she could count on them for their support: “I don’t know why people get involved.” Once again, I have to say that YOU CANNOT EXPECT PEOPLE NOT TO GET INVOLVED WHEN YOU ARE ALL CAST MEMBERS ON A REALITY SHOW AND YOU HAVE FLIPPED THE F*CK OUT IN FRONT OF ALL OF THEM.

I swear, I need a massage and some therapy after watching this nonsense…

There is a brief interlude from the Kim Craziness over at Yolanda’s house and it serves as a nice palate cleanser. Yolanda is meeting with party planners who set up elaborate scavenger hunts through the streets of Beverly Hills. The whole thing does sound like fun, but there’s no way the actual event will be funnier than hearing Yolanda say, “It’ll be a good way to find a newfound respect for one another and each other’s brilliance.”

I think it’s sweet that apparently Yolanda is inviting the Beverly Hills branch of Mensa to her scavenger hunt. I hope she remembers to tell the geniuses to bring their own vitamins.

The last hurrah of the episode is the celebration of Lisa V.’s birthday at Pump, her new restaurant. All of the women are there because Ken did not want to intentionally leave anyone out. Lisa R., Eileen, and Brandi arrive in pink as a nod to the pink-loving birthday girl. Kyle shows up in even more sequins than she wore last week. Yolanda manages to pull off a dress in Kermit-green and she takes Kim to the side and tells her that she has heard some talk about what has been going on and that if Kim needs her, she will be there and she will never judge her. It was a moment of pure compassion, one that I fully believe Kim will somehow manage to hold against Yolanda at some point in the very near future.

In the limo on her way to the party, Brandi sits in between Kim and Kathy Hilton and across from her stylist/houseguest who accompanies her to every event and I cannot stop questioning why Brandi’s hair has never looked worse than it has since a live-in stylist came to town. But I digress. What really matters in that scene is that Brandi tells Kathy Hilton that she threw wine all over Eileen “on accident,” and I’m torn as to whether or not I should be more disturbed by her grammar or the fact that she’s a f*cking liar.

Looking phenomenal on her 54th birthday, Lisa is lured into Pump by her husband and looks genuinely surprised and touched by the big reveal. She kisses her friends hello and then says, “How did you make the cut?” straight to Brandi’s face, and I think she might get some flak for saying that, but I loved it. That comment sums up who Lisa is in a nutshell. She will play nice and she will be funny, but she will not forget that you have wronged her and she shouldn’t have to forget such improprieties committed by someone who was supposed to be a real friend.

Lisa is correct to feel suspicious of Brandi, who makes several jabs about Lisa’s age for no good reason at all besides that she’s an assh*le. And just before the episode ends on a serious note with Eileen telling Kyle that she and Lisa R. feel a moral obligation to speak to Kim about the probable compromise in her sobriety because they have seen her erratic behavior, all of the women gather around a microphone and start singing a made up song with made up lyrics and I squinted my eyes at the television screen and tried desperately to remember if perhaps I had stuck a tab of acid on my tongue earlier in the day and could I possibly be hallucinating the musical moment?

I’d ask Kim about the possible side effects of the drug, but she’s probably way too sober to answer me.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.