Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 4/14/15

In the first round of Empathy Musical Chairs that occurs during this seventeen-part Reunion, Eileen gets up and walks over to Lisa to console her, telling Kim to cut it out, that Lisa has felt badly for months after sending texts that I personally think weren’t nearly threatening enough.

“Kim, I felt so provoked by you,” Lisa tries to explain to a person who has zero capacity for truth or for kindness or for knowing how to rig the Who Will Be My Best Friend game so you don’t end up with Brandi, who has morphed into someone so astronomically awful that I’m starting to believe that the whole thing has to be an act – a part of a long con she’s running – and that someday we will elect her to rule the entire world.

I mean, f*ck…there’s got to be a reason, right?

Well, maybe – but there is absolutely no reason swimming around in Kim’s noggin. As far as she was concerned, after snapping at Lisa to shut her emaciated face on the plane and then sweetly chanting “Everybody will know…” at her over dinner, Kim thought the issue was far behind them.

“We left Amsterdam all huggy-duggy-doo-doo,” said Kim, to which Lisa responded, “We did not leave Amsterdam all huggy-duggy-doo-doo,” and it became evident to me at that very second that I might need to start watching more Downtown Abbey, a show where people only speak real words.

Huggy-duggy-doo-doo or not (God, I hate myself right now), Kim is still snickering at the wetness streaming down Lisa’s face and Andy Cohen glances over at her like she’s a science experiment gone berserk and asks her why she is laughing at Lisa’s tears.

“Because I’m an emotionally-bereft shell of a carcass,” sighs Kim with acceptance.

Oh, wait: that was my Imaginary Kim who said such a thing, the Kim who haunts me every single time it rains. The Real Kim declares that she doesn’t believe in the authenticity of Lisa’s tears, and I’m not positive that I do either, but it cannot be denied that those tears and that emotion did not spring from nowhere. That emotion exists because she watched Kim behave in a way that would have made Kerouac roll over in his tomb and whisper, “Now that chick is messed up.” That emotion exists because Kim taunted her with a menacing and malicious glee. That emotion has existed since the day the producers forced her to carpool with Kim Richards and that Lisa has not become agoraphobic because of her trauma illustrates that she’s got some strength inside her somewhere.

Maybe it’s just been hidden by her giant bush.

What finally gets this bullsh*t to reach the closest thing to a resolution that might possibly exist is Brandi, who leans over to her best friend and tells her not to bother fighting with Lisa or explaining things to Lisa because Lisa is crazy. That’s right – Brandi and Kim have mutually decided that someone is crazy and that probably means that Lisa Rinna is the sanest woman on either hemisphere, but I just cannot care anymore. And I genuinely almost gagged when Kim decided to concede to the irrational woman on the other couch by getting up and hugging her.

Listen: the Governor of New York just managed to pass ridiculous laws about Education, my elderly dog might need to start wearing diapers, a guy I thought I liked wears pants that need to be several inches longer than they are, and it took me until 2015 to begin to watch Friday Night Lights and there are fifty-three episodes and I’ve only watched four so far and the show reminds me of someone I know and I obviously need to come down with mono so I have time to watch the entire series. I bring all of this up so I can better explain that I really don’t need this Kim and Brandi sh*t. I believe I’ve suffered enough. I believe we all have.

But you know who must not feel like she has suffered enough? Kyle. And I say that because I can think of no other reason for why she continues to engage with her tragic sister. I get that family bonds are important – of course they are – but bonding with a mindless creature who only reacts and can never reflect is a fool’s game and Kyle keeps losing round after round. And we’ll get to the showdown in just a moment, but first there are space cakes to discuss.

Andy Cohen, a weed superfan, wants to know why the women were so reluctant to take a nibble and the biggest reason seems to be that they were uncomfortable about doing it on television because they are mothers. Kyle’s main reason for shooing the cake away was because she heard that you would not be able to gage how much weed you would ingest if you were eating it, and as someone who once saw the future after eating two brownies, she has a point. As for Brandi, she didn’t indulge because she was in a lawsuit with her ex-husband at the time and how would that look? Um, I’m guessing it would look slightly better than sleeping with a twenty-three year old while you are drunkety-drunk-drunk and heralding his “beautiful c*ck” while on primetime.

But the real reason for bringing up that night in Amsterdam is so Andy Cohen can ask Brandi about why she was so angry at Kyle to boldly proclaiming to a world that doesn’t care that Kyle has smoked before. Kyle thinks it’s because Brandi believed that she was saying things about Brandi being a bad mother and that her kids should be taken away from her, and then she asks Brandi if she saw any evidence that she has ever said such a thing, to which Brandi responds that there’s a lot that doesn’t make the final cut of the show. Okay, who here with even the faintest glimmer of a pulse believes that Bravo would not air such incendiary comments had they been recorded? Yeah, me neither.

And still the weed debate rages on. Brandi says that Kyle is a liar and that she likes to smoke. Kyle maintains that it’s not her thing; she doesn’t like to feel out of control and weed makes her neurotic and she feels like she can’t breathe.

Please remind me never to smoke with Kyle. Please also remind me to visit Amsterdam.