Has it already been a year since a Restylane-stuffed monster sat on a velvet couch beside an alcoholic who was dressed like a marshmallow Peep and nodded approvingly as the alcoholic claimed to have never once struggled with her sobriety? Have almost 365 days and nights really passed since we last watched Kyle Richards fling back her long curtain of hair and proudly invite her dear friend Faye Resnick, the same woman who once capitalized on her friend’s murder by spreading it wide for Playboy, to come to dinner in her home? Have the shards of glass from the stemware Lisa Rinna broke during a screaming brawl with the most tragic child star of them all (and I’m including Leif Garrett in my countdown) finally been swept up and thrown away into a odorous garbage heap that looks an awful lot like Kim Richards’ face if you quickly glance at it in profile? And was there ever really a movie where soap queen Eileen Davidson appeared in a catsuit as a space alien or might I have just dreamed the whole thing up due to some of the substances I possibly ingested to have some fun over the years?
Proving there’s absolutely no rest for the weary, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is back for more. More of what, you ask? Well, I’m imagining there will be more betrayals, bigger lies, and scores of dinner parties that devolve into evenings of utter f*cking misery before the guests leave with a gift bag. There will be two new Housewives joining the gaggle of women we’re already quite familiar with and Brandi and Kim will no longer flounce their wretched way across our television screens with any sort of regularity. I will not miss either of those assh*les and I confronted the news that they have been seen filming scenes for this show with the kind of grace such a situation deserves, in that I threw myself across the floor of my home and beat my fists wildly against the wood until my knuckles were swollen and sore. See, I think that last season I might have called Kim Richards “a thin-lipped vile monster” and there’s a chance I compared Brandi to “regret that tastes like cherry-flavored lube” and I would like to state for the record that I stand by those comments and – not to toot my own horn or anything – but I also admire the tremendous restraint I’ve shown in my efforts not to be mean to these walking f*cking night terrors.
Yes, it was right about this time last year when I started to realize that I had been calling Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards “assh*les” so frequently that I desperately needed a synonym for the word. Perhaps my finest play at language in recent memory was deciding to call Ms. Glanville “Satan’s Sphincter.” So as a viewer of this show, I’m thrilled that such pieces of dogsh*t are no longer on this series full-time. But as a recapper? I’m devastated! I just don’t think it will provide me with the same amount of glee to call Yolanda Foster a crusty hemorrhoid, especially when she’s suffering from either Lyme or Munchausen disease and just hours ago announced her upcoming divorce. I’m not saying I didn’t laugh a little bit when I realized her rep announced the dissolution of the marriage on the same day the new season premiered, but I’m choosing to tread lightly with Yolanda…for now.
This season begins with an extended highlight reel of what’s to come and it looks like we’ll be getting several visits from The Ghosts of Housewives Past. Can I just ask a question? Has anyone really been missing Taylor or Camille or the great magician’s assistant, Adrienne? Because all I did when I saw their tight faces flash across my television screen was sigh deeply. As far as the newest taglines said during the opening credits, I just hope that it was someone high up at Bravo (or someone who has a cache of damning photographic evidence starring these women) who forced them to spew out such clichéd quips. Let’s see: Lisa Rinna makes another pun about her gigantic lips; Kyle utters some nonsensical statement about how, even in Beverly Hills, she is true to herself; one of the new girls presents herself from the onset as blatantly materialistic; Eileen-the-actress blandly maintains that she’ll say what’s on her mind and not what’s written in the “script” someone creates for her because it was clearly two for one day in the Bravo pun department; Yolanda’s already calling bullsh*t on those who are calling it on her; and Lisa Vanderpump – once again – rises to the top of the bunch with her perfect dulcet tones informing us that she’s crazy about dogs but not about bitches. The season is forty seconds in and the woman has already slayed her competition. I sort of unapologetically love her.
And speaking of the star of this franchise, we begin as we always do, in Lisa’s opulent home where her housekeeper waits on her and she has outfitted her dog in a soft purple onesie. Wearing all black, Lisa meets up with one of the Los Angeles Dodgers who has shown up in her backyard to teach her how to throw a pitch since she’s been invited to toss one out at an upcoming Dodger’s game. Lisa is thrilled to get to play with this Dodger’s balls and Ken appears on the lawn just in time to remind her to pretend the guy trying to catch the ball is Brandi and that advice gives Lisa some momentum because Brandi f*cking sucks and everyone knows it at this point. As for the real story of went down between these former friends, Lisa is not all that specific but she does reiterate that she has nothing to do with Brandi anymore – and she doesn’t appear to miss her in the slightest.
Lisa Rinna’s house might not be quite as lavish as Lady Vanderpump’s, but there’s still something exciting going down in her kitchen. The production crew for an Oprah: Where Are They Now special is setting up some lights and, though she is rather disappointed that Ms. Winfrey herself is not stopping by to borrow her chapstick, Lisa is still flattered to be included and she applies her smoky eye makeup like she’s a f*cking pro. In my opinion, Lisa Rinna is once again starting a season off right. She appears humble and funny and like she might not be someone I’d need to kill with my bare hands (or with a sturdy hammer) during a trip that was forced upon me by a production company who really only has my very worst interests at heart and even though I know they really do have only my worst interests at heart, I keep signing those reality TV contracts anyway because it’s so fun to be recognized at Trader Joe’s.
One thing I have always really liked about Lisa Rinna is the way she seems to champion other women, at least those who don’t start rumors about a fictional marital strife she’s experiencing in an effort to throw the scent off the truth and the vodka that’s hiding in plain sight in a water bottle. She mentions how much she admires the way Eileen has built a reliable acting career for herself and we get to join Eileen on the set of The Young and the Restless. There’s some exciting behind the scenes dish in that we see her memorize her lines while pedaling slowly on an exercise bike and picking out a bra. It’s undeniable that Eileen is professional and reliable and not a total assh*le. It’s also undeniable that she’s more than just a little bit dull, but then again, the season just started. There’s ample time for her to invite her friends to an exorcism at her place.